Welcome to the Church of SQRLS Web Site!

(Church of SQRLS, FDA-Worshipping Diocese)

Last Updated 27 Jan. 2013

By the High SQRLSy Priest / Priestess (AKA The SQRLSy One)

( Email me at SQRLSy_1@ChurchofSQRLS.com )

 

Definition: The Church of SQRLS is the Church of  Scienfoologists Questing for Religious Liberty, Sincerely.  For a more in-depth explanation of why the Church is named as it is, and for exactly how Scienfoology is similar to, and different from, the Church of Scientology, please see History of the Church.

 

Index of Ailments and Cures – I really, really, REALLY want this to be a practical web site, where useful information about the use of our religious freedom, to do irrational (religious) things with our effigies, is collected (so as to cure us religiously, see, where we still have freedom, which we don’t have medically, thanks to the Almost Infinitely Wise FDA, Praised Be Their Names!).  Ailments and cures, please!  I want that to be the primary focus here please!  Screaming about religion and politics, OK, I guess we can have a wee tad of that.  But…  Ailments and cures!  Please!  Send me your ideas, please!

 

Purposes of this web site:  Yes, we can discuss esoteric matters of religion and politics on this web site.  However, discussion of such more vague, global, and nebulous matters are NOT the primary purposes here.  The primary purpose of this web site is to promote religious liberty (freedom) with respect to medical matters.  “Liberty”, though, is, like so many things, a slippery concept, and there are an almost infinite number of misguided fools, and even EVIL people, on our sorry planet, who grossly misunderstand this most basic, simple concept!

          This web site is dedicated to the preposition that, of all the organizations on this mis-begotten planet, the US FDA (Food and Drug Administration) is the Vanguard of Truth and Freedom.  They, more than anyone else on Earth, represent The Will of The Almighty, which is the GAWD.  For full details, see Theology of The Church of SQRLS.

          Last but certainly NOT least of all, this web site is intended…  PLEASE send me your contributed ideas & techniques…  To provide users with SPECIFIC ideas for how we can use religious freedom to alleviate our own health problems, through the use of their religious freedom to use medical techniques or drugs on our RELIGIOUS EFFIGIES…  The FDA (Peace Be Upon Their Holy Name), in it’s Infinite Wisdom, has decreed that They Must Bless anything even vaguely medical, they we should place in, or anywhere near, our bodies.  That is all well and good.  However, the FDA on this fallen, defective Earth falls short of the True Glory of GAWD.  By the Religious Freedom that GAWD needs to grant to Scienfoologists, we should ALL have the freedom to buy and use ANY medicine or medical device, on our religious EFFIGIES.  And drug companies should be free to sell us ANY and EVERY medicine that they come up with, so that we can use them on our (non-medical, religious) effigies.  They (drug companies) should also feel quite free to send me emails (anonymous emails even) about off-label uses of their medicines, and I will post them, as notes concerning their use with religious effigies, in the name of religious freedom.  Just a suggestion…  But one that I hope my readers will take very seriously!

 

Rules of This Web Site:  We all have to have rules to live by, of course.  You may post comments to this web site by emailing me at SQRLSy_1@ChurchofSQRLS.com.  You may call yourself The Chief Nut of All SQRLS, or God Almighty…  I recall once reading about some person in the USA having his or her name legally changed, by the courts, to God Almighty, so as to run as “God Almighty”, for political office, what a clever idea, which Righteous Ones amongst us would NOT vote for “God Almighty”…  Or you can call yourself anything you’d like, pretty much.  Don’t we all love the anonymity of the internet, tee-hee-hee, look at me & this web site itself, for example J   But you may NOT call yourself The High SQRLSy Priest, Priestess, or The SQRLSy One…These titles, I reserve for Myself, and any posts in My Holy Name will be removed, because My followers (in all of their millions) shall NOT be misled!

          Other than that, there are simple rules along the lines of:  Long, rambling posts, especially those that advertise products or ideas totally un-related to this web site, or totally potty-mouthed posts, will not be posted.  If your post is potty-mouthed but otherwise interesting, I reserve the option of leaving your post there, but editing out, or removing, your ^&#%^*%&!! language!  Send me emails, and give me up to a week or two…  I have my day job to take care of…  And I will post your emails if I find them interesting (please tell me in your email to NOT post it if you don’t want me to post it).

          By posting stuff to my web site, you accept that I am free to use it on my web site, post it to other sites, or use it in other publishing endeavors.  Yes, I will give credit where credit is due, as a matter of proper ethics.  But don’t come belly-aching to me that I used stuff that you freely sent me!

          Oh, one more thing…  I will not post anything about SQRLS techniques for suicide or abortion.   Yes, freedom is good.  But the FDA owns our bodies, and some things are just “beyond the pale”.  I don’t want my web site hijacked by a bunch of hollering and screaming about abortion.  About, depending on your perspective, how A) every sperm is sacred… every sperm has a soul… and all women should be turned into breeding slaves to preserve the souls of as many sperm as we can collectively produce, and abortion doctors & birth control salesmen should all be killed, or B) almost-ready-to-be-born full-term babies should be treated as nothing but inanimate matter.  It seems to me there’s a happy medium out there somewhere.  I can’t find it in the middle of all this screaming and yelling, so I give up on that one!  This web site is for other purposes.  And I REALLY cannot contemplate the idea that posts to my web site (intended for non-medical uses with religious effigies) should further the Great Scienfoology Sin of HAM related to abortions or suicide.  Call me a prude, but there it is.

 

Index of Cures, Devices, and Ailments -

 

 

Amantadine, Warts -   

          The prescription anti-viral drug amantadine is often used (“off-label”) topically, by the Scienfoological unbelievers, for warts.  We as Good Scienfoologists, will apply such things ONLY to warts on our effigies.  Non-prescription alternate “home remedy” topical wart treatments, in addition to the Amantadine, are mentioned at

http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/life/main/6820582.html , for example.  I am not sure how we Scienfoologists are going to get amantadine on a non-prescription basis, in the name of Religious Freedom.  Please send suggestions  to SQRLSy_1@ChurchofSQRLS.com

 

 

ASSisted Enemas, Impacted Bowels -  

          We Scienfoologists are quite conscious of politeness & propriety, so I’ll be delicate as I discus this matter.  First off, what IS an impacted bowel?  It’s AKA (Also Known As) costiveness, dyschezia, or dyssynergic defaecation, does that help?  Well, maybe not…  Let me put it this way, when one goes to a VERY High and Holy place in Scienfoology, a Special Place, where one sees mystic runes upon the walls, saying things like, for instance, “Here I sit, my cheeks a-flexin’, givin’ birth, to another Texan”, or, “here I sit, all broken hearted, paid my dime, and only farted”, well, this Special Place here is where we Scienfoologists commit what we call “making a politician”.  And an “impacted bowel” is when the politician will NOT come out!

          In Scienfoology, to cure this ailment, we make an effigy of ourselves, which might be as simple as drawing a picture of our nether regions, and cutting a hole in the appropriate place.  Then we put a simulated or substitute politician-effigy in the hole.  For best realism (not very important in Scienfoology, only the STRENGTH of your FAITH matters very much), one might go take a brief stroll in suburbia, and find a dog’s politician in the grass; I bet it won’t take you long to find one!  (No, I’m sorry, I do NOT know whether most dog’s politicians are Republicrats, or Demoblicans; I REALLY doubt if it makes any difference at all).  Next, we attack the politician with small jets of water streams, and, for example, the handle of a spoon.  One does NOT want to use excessively harsh or energetic things like powered drills or propane torches for example, because, well, even though it IS “only an effigy” that we’re working on, the excessively harsh nature of the treatments to your effigy, through Placebo Power, can turn harmful.  Then we have Voodoo rather than Scienfoology, and we do NOT want that!

          A mid-grade (only on the “hairy edge” of being too aggressive) tool might be tweezers or a SMALL needle-nose plier…  Pinch small pieces of the politician, and wiggle and pull it loose.  Now, rotary instruments (powered drills) run the risk of causing the entire politician to snare on the drill bit and rotate, which could tear up your effigy!  Do NOT go this far!  A substitute might be a small jack-hammer-like instrument, with a deliberately-blunted tip (take all sharp edges off with a grinding wheel), which lacks rotary motion.  I would recommend the HCT-30 from Tokyo Automach; see http://woodcarvers.com/Automach.htm for example, where you can buy one for $299.  Yes, that’s a tad steep, but look, spring the bucks, and you’ll ALSO then have yourself a handy wood-carving tool!  Besides, if you paid for it yourself, I bet a politician-ectomy (or whatever they call it) at your local hospital is going to set you back WAY much further than that!

          If all of your Scienfoological Technologies (effigy-based) here do NOT succeed in getting your REAL body to pass your politician downwards to meet it’s well-deserved end, through Placebo Power, well, then, I’m sorry, but your Faith is simply not quite strong enough.  Work on it!

          Now in all honesty, if you’re having to go so far as to take the above kinds of measures (on your EFFIGY now, do NOT go and practice any Ham here!), then you REALLY should start feeding more high-fiber foods to your effigy!  PLEASE!

          Finally, I have to add, in places like this…  Even though I have already added it at the very end of this list…  The clear disclaimer that “These writings are not intended to provide medical advice, diagnosis or treatment.  They are provided ONLY to enhance your Religious Freedoms” is hereby added.  I derived this anti-lawyer magic spell, here, from www.sciencedaily.com , which uses similar verbiage for an AMAZING variety of topics.  Come to think of it, here is yet more anti-lawyers advice:  Do NOT use even the smallest  black holes” to try and “in-situ” consume your politician, or your effigy’s politician, either…  Black holes are VERY dangerous, even more so than a power drill!  Surprisingly, the good folks at sciencedaily do NOT seem to bother, usually, to add their “medical disclaimer” to articles about black holes.  So if you DO hurt yourself or your effigy through the use of black holes, it will be quite logical for you to sue THEM and not US!

 

 

Beds & Sleep, Sleeplessness –

          As Scienfoologists, we believe that beds are MEDICAL DEVICES, and should therefore be by-prescription-only.  Also, we Scienfoologists should be free of those kinds of restrictions of our Religious Freedom to buy unregulated bed-like devices for ritual use with our effigies.  Since none of us Scienfoologists, quite yet, has been able to demonstrate a total lack of need for sleep (AKA, Party On 24-7, Scienfoology Party Dudes!), for lack of sufficiently Strong Faith (in having our effigies do our sleeping for us), then, I as Head Scienfoologist, decree that this should NOT be a primary focus, yet, of our Church Activism (we don’t want, GAWD forbid, to get laughed at, as if we were some kind of kooks, or some such!).

          BUT, EVENTUALLY, many years from now, when Scienfoology triumphs, THEN we can go ahead and have GAWD’s Medical Master Plans (Medicare, Medicaid, and Obamacare), and the bottomless pockets of the greedy capitalist ogres at the insurance companies, pay for prescription beds (“sleep eggs”) for $12 K for instance; see http://www.geekologie.com/2007/03/giant_expensive_egg_helps_you.php .

          By the way, all you millions of Scienfoologists out there, surely, amongst your multitudes, there’s got to be at least ONE of you who is personal friends with Charlie Sheen?  If so, please email me, and let’s work on this together, but I have read that Charlie is WAY beyond the need for sleep, he just doesn’t need it any more at all!  So I can’t help but think that he (unlike ME even, supposedly leader of The Church that I am…  I hang my head in shame, I STILL need to give my REAL body, REAL sleep)…  I can’t help but be firmly convinced that good ol’ Charlie has perfected the Scienfoology Rituals with Effigies, that allow him to allow his effigies to do all of his sleeping for him!  Yet he has not proudly, publically proclaimed himself to be a Scienfoologist!  We Scienfoologists, like Scientologists, DO yea verily lust after gaining celebrity adherents!  So, all of you porn stars and so forth, who are friends with Charlie, AND are also practicing Scienfoologists, won’t you PLEASE help drag Charlie out of his Scienfoology closet?!?!?

 

 

Black Pepper, Bleeding -

 

          See http://tipnut.com/stop-bleeding-ground-black-pepper/ .  We as Devout Scienfoologists, of course, will squirt some ketchup or other red sauce on our effigy, and then add the black pepper.  After Scienfoological Faith and Placebo Power heals our real wounds, we are then free to eat the red sauce and pepper!  Depending on your tastes, it can make a pretty good dip!    Further tips:  You might be tempted to place your sauced-up effigy into the refrigerator, if your real bleeding goes on for a while, and you are worried about your pending feast starting to spoil.  If so, beware of the potential entanglement with the Voodoo side of the coin, here, and put on a sweater or a coat, or crank up the heat, on your real body, while you do this…  We Scienfoologists do NOT like to tangle with the Dark Side!  Me, personally, I just go ahead and flush the resulting “pepper-dip” down the drain, to play it REALLY safe.  I don’t want to risk becoming “hooked”; or a dreaded, perhaps-mythological, perhaps-not, dreaded creature known as a “Scienfoology Red-Sauce Vampire”.  But that’s just me…

 

 

Caskets, “Medical Waste Disposal Units” -

          Several states still prohibit the sale of these (obviously QUITE dangerous, and potentially cadaver-killing!) medical devices by anyone except GAWD-licensed funeral parlors.  As Scienfoologists, of course, we don’t believe that the resulting price inflation is nearly enough; we think that Scienfoological unbelievers should get these as being by-prescription-only (and therefore, of course, for FREE!!!). We Scienfoologists should get them by bypassing regulations in the name of Religious Freedoms, for Ritual Use with our deceased effigies, of course.  What happens with the REAL bodies of deceased Scienfoologists?  Well, Scienfoology is still quite young, and so I am still wrestling with this issue.  Here are some ideas (or send me your own, I am open-minded).  A) A REAL Scienfoologist, whose Faith is Truly Strong, will never die, and so this is a non-issue, or B) A real Scienfoologist, in lieu of death, will be Miraculously, bodily taken (“raptured”? “ruptured”?) up into the SHAMM in The Sky, or C), Tell me, what is YOUR Truth?    PS, for those readers who are truly baffled by all this, go see http://www.nola.com/crime/index.ssf/2012/06/st_joseph_abbey_monks_oppose_a.html ...

          In the meantime, non-Scienfoologists needing to buy or sell a (non-reimbursable) casket-like object might get creative…  These items are for actors only, or for Halloween displays, or they’re flower boxes, or giant kitty-litter boxes, or serving trays for hay is for horses, or…

          UPDATE:  I, The SQRLSy One, have prayed long and fervently to Government Almighty, and have concluded that Scienfoological Doctrines concerning the disposal of medical waste products…  Known to the heathen as “cadavers”…  Shall be as follows:  Scienfoologists are required to die eventually, just like everyone else.  To believe anything else, well, that would make us look, um, foolish, like ridiculous crackpots even, and we don’t want THAT, GAWD forbid!  Scienfoological cadavers shall NOT require the use of ANY kinds of prescription “medical waste disposal units”, or licensed-as-safe coffins.  No Sir!  Scienfoologist cadavers, in a reasonably prompt manner after death, shall be ritually converted to hay, in a solemn ceremony.  Somewhat like the Christians who convert wine to blood, see…   Well, um, yes, Ol’ Uncle George’s cadaver still lying there, it might still LOOK like Uncle George, yes.  But his remains have ritually, solemnly been converted to hay-is-for-horses.  So that’s just hay you see laying there.  And so we can let the hay lie in repose, there, in a box made for feeding hay to horses, without any special permission from GAWD and all, like we’d have to do with a regular plain old corpse.  Each respects-paying Scienfoologist, and unbelievers in attendance, will be given or lent, a small horse effigy.  The heathens might call it a “horse figurine” or even a “toy horse”, but that’s a bit disrespectful.  Anyway, those who truly respect the Dearly Departed, will then solemnly pass by, in single file, and allow their horse effigy to briefly graze upon the hay.  The remaining hay, then, that the horse effigies have not deigned to be fit for consumption, can afterwards be disposed of, free of costs-inflating micromanagement from Government Almighty, see, in the name of Scienfoological religious freedom.  And maybe we can have a funeral-like ceremony for a mere $3K instead of $25K, see…  SUPPLEMENTARY HINT:  See http://www.neptunesociety.com/Request+Information.5.lasso?gclid=CObGnOGk0aYCFUeW7QodL3t5Gw , the “Neptune Society” has long been known to provide cut-rate prices for turning medical wastes into ashes.  I imagine that if you do not brag too, too terribly much about our Deeply and Sincerely Held Religious Beliefs about that cadaver now really-actually being left-over hay-is-for-horses, then even we Scienfoologists might be eligible for their cut-rate services.

          Further PS, for the Truly Devout Scienfoologists, please join me in emailing POOPAST emails to the monks at St. Joseph Abbey…  Go see Samples of POOPAST and then search for “Dear Monks of St. Joseph Abbey”.

 

Celery Seeds – Gout -

          See http://www.peoplespharmacy.com/2009/09/21/celery-seed-conquers-gout-pain/ …Non-Scienfoologist heathens, it seems, gain relief from gout (also arthritis) by eating celery seeds and extracts thereof.  As devout Scientfoologists, of course, we’ll feed such things only to our EFFIGIES!

 

Cigarettes for Effigies – Tobacco Addiction -

          Being a former tobacco addict myself, I as a Scienfoologist can tell you, this is a VERY hard addiction to shake off!  I have been trying, and trying, and trying, EVER so hard, to devise a Scienfoological effigy-based ritual, to allow my EFFIGY to do my smoking for me, so that I wouldn’t have to.  And it has just never worked for me.  I have tried (as stand-in cigarettes for my effigy) pickles, bananas, carrots, pencils, screwdrivers, wieners, wiener dogs, even more kinky devices that I shall not speak of (this being a family-oriented website), what have you.  Then I thought, maybe you actually have to light them up.  I tried paper cigarettes, cloves cigarettes, all sorts of things, coffin nails, http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=horse%20shit%20cigarettes included, and none of them worked.  I STILL needed my own, personal nicotine fix!  Then it finally downed on me:  In order for the Sacred Scienfoological Rituals to work, I have to have my effigy smoke REAL, honest-to-GAWD cigarettes!  And now that my effigy does my smoking for me, all is well!  Praise GAWD!  A simple solution at last!  And as Fearless Leader (and founder) of the Church of Scienfoology, then, I must COMMAND you Scienfoological followers out there, in all of your trillions, then when you try to kick your nicotine habit via effigies powers, then, by sheer practical effectiveness criteria alone, you must use REAL cigarettes!

          Once Government Almighty gets involved, though, this “simple solution” gets rapidly quite complex.  Yes, as a GAWD-fearing Scienfoologist, I have nothing but Absolute Faith that Government Almighty Loves me, and wants to help me kick my bad addictions.  Yet GAWD taxes my cigarettes, heavily, even though I am using them for good RELIGIOUS purposes, and for controlling my addictions!  GAWD just needs to be educated, is all.  But this is a complex topic, so for more details, see a particular sample of APPOSTASY

 

Coralmyn / Anti-Venins – Poisonous Critters  -

          See http://www2.tbo.com/content/2010/may/24/na-red-red-touches-yellow---kills-a-fellow-touches/ or any of many sites that can give more details about “Coralmyn”…  There are also other anti-venins where the USA supply of them has run out, or will very shortly run out (poison spiders, etc).  Since the FDA (Praises Be!) mandates that drug development companies spend billions of dollars to PROVE that their medicines work, antivenins have now pretty much become “orphan drugs” because it doesn’t pay to prove that they work.  If you get bit by a coral snake, prepare to spend a few weeks bed-ridden, on a ventilator.  Unless you work for a museum, aquarium, or zoo where these snakes are kept, that is, because if you work there, your employer has special permission to get Coralmyn from Mexico.  SHAMM / Congress authorized the FDA to decide whether or not medicines work.  The FDA (Praises Be!) has, in its Wisdom and Power, unilaterally decided that this ALSO means that It can decide that special medicines only work for special people who work for special institutions.  SURELY, then, the FDA (Praises Be!) will listen to us Scienfoologists when we plead for a special exemption for us to be able to buy this stuff for ritual use on our effigies!

 

Drop-Side Cribs – “Sleep Aid” for Babies -

          The Consumer Product Safety Commission (not the FDA this time, but a different instance of GAWD’s Angelic Nannies in this case) has banned the manufacture, sale, or re-sale of these horrible, baby-killing mechanical contraptions (32 deaths in 20 years in the USA).  I wonder how many babies have been killed by CARS, will they be banned soon as well?    So if you want to sell your old drop-side crib at a garage sale, please put on it a sign, “Not for use with human babies, is for use with Scienfoological Ritual Effigies ONLY!”    If you fear Aunt Mildred getting wind of this & disinheriting you, get creative.  “For use by only actors, in plays portraying the older, primitive days” or “for doll playing by mature adults only” or some such.  “For use ONLY as a decorative item.”

For fending off undercover narcs (from the CPSC) buying it from you and then taking you to court for this horrible violation, the following defense might work:  Set up a live-video link to an off-shore, secure on-line video storage site (out of the reach of GAWD’s Wrath), and make all potential buyers swear oaths (use the same oaths that they will need to swear to, in State and Federal Courts).  “I do solemnly swear, so help me GAWD, that I am NOT a narc, I am buying this crib ONLY for my personal use in Scienfoological Rituals, and I PROMISE not to use it with real babies, and I PROMISE not to help prosecute you”.  Then show the resulting video in GAWD’s Court, if/when charged with your Heinous Crime, and then ask the jury, “Do you trust the testimony of this person?  If so, how and why?”

 

 

Drugs / Pills / Chemicals / Meds – Misc.

          This is THE Big Category here.  As this web site develops, I hope to gather more specifics (please send your contributions, yes, by all means!).  The focus will be on various medicines that have “off label” uses, but the FDA (Praises Be!) and GAWD have forbidden the horrible capitalist ogres at the drug companies from telling us (or our doctors) all about these off-label uses.  Every time a new, off-label use is discovered, we have to ask GAWD (not ourselves and our Doctors), “Hey, GAWD, does this medicine work for me, or not?  My Doctor and I are clueless; only You in Your Wisdom, GAWD Almighty, through Your Wise and Benevolent FDA, can Protect us from the evil drug companies”.  And then the evil drug companies will have to spend gazzillions of $$$ to study, not only, is it SAFE, but does it WORK for you, before you can buy it.  CATO (evil folks that they are) estimates that 2/3 of drug-development costs are for proving effectiveness, rather than simply safety; see http://www.cato.org/pubs/handbook/hb105-32.html for CATO’s view of things.  For yet another contrarian view of things, see http://www.afcm.org/  I am NOT saying that we Scienfoologists should AGREE with such Government-Almighty-disrespecting infidels; this is just me, SQRLSy One, showing that we Scienfoologists CAN be magnanimous in our intellectual and theological disputes, freely guiding readers to what the opposition has to say!

          Well anyway, we Scienfoologists need this forbidden knowledge about off-label uses of drugs, so that we can conduct the right Rituals and feed these drugs to our effigies, to bring us healing, of course.  And we look forward to our Religious Freedom to get these drugs and use them on our effigies, WITHOUT prescriptions, even, just as Native Americans are Religiously Free to use peyote, or to own eagle feathers (forbidden to others of us, less Specially Favored, Beloved of GAWD, mere mortals).

          For catch-all guidance here, for now, we would guide you to some other web sites.  Some web sites ARE full of ham, though, so please beware!  They are full of the ham of FDA-disrespect and GAWD-disrespect, and of the ham of advocating the use of drugs directly on human bodies.  But, of course, we as Scienfoologists are capable (through BRILLIANT Scienfoological Technology!) of transforming ham into the Religious Freedom of being allowed to feed drugs to our effigies!

          Off-label uses of medicine, then, can be “googled” by starting with the search phrases “off label medications for …” and “off label medication of …  Also see http://www.bookrags.com/wiki/Off-label_use ...  But I have NOT been able to find a good, long, comprehensive  compilation of such things.  Help?  Anyone out there?  SQRLSy_1@ChurchofSQRLS.com , email me please…

 

Earpopper – Congested Eustachian Tubes  -

          See http://www.earpopper.com/earpopper/get_us.htm and then http://www.earpopper.com/contact/distributors.htm and one can see a simple little battery-powered device that pumps air pressure up one’s nose to help one get fresh air into the Eustachian tubes.  Oh, yes, of course, prescription required, in the Land of the Free, the Home of the Brave, the USA, the only one of 17 nations where you can’t buy this dangerous “medical device”, w/o the permission of your moral, medical, ethical, and spiritual superiors..  North Korea was not mentioned, sad to say, but I sure do wonder, does Kim Ill Dung-Breath require North Koreans to get Government Almighty permission to blow their noses?  This is the equivalent of me pinching my nose and blowing on it to pop my eardrums.  We as devout Scienfoologists should be writing emails to the FDA (Praises Be!) to encourage Them to require us to get a doctor’s prescription for us to be allowed to pinch our own noses and blow, me-thinks, lest we injure ourselves.  And, of course, we should ALSO be asking the FDA for special permission for us as Scienfoologists, to be able to buy these, WITHOUT a prescription, for religious / ritual use on our effigies!  For a sample email template of such an email, that we as Devout Scienfoologists should be sending out as part of our Sincere FDA Worship, please see the examples of SUCKSAST.

 

Freedom of (Religious!) Speech – Congested Commerce, Courtesy of GAWD  -

          See http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748704083904576335483063623402.html for example...  It seems that for their horrible, terrible, civilization-endangering crime of not being quite TOTALLY fastidious enough in rejecting ads from illicit on-line pharmacies, that might send you a few Viagra pills w/o triple-checking your prescription…  Google is in trouble with the FDA (Praises Be!) who have sent undercover agents to go and BUST these evil-doers!  Google is (on command) an Arm of the State, GAWD Almighty, which Has Decreed that all internet entities must police the heck out of all of their advertisers.  Google has set aside $500 million (a half of a BILLION DOLLARS!) to pay off all of the Servants of GAWD, and their trillions of lawyers, who want to bog down any improvements in free commerce, that might result from any sort of wild-cowboy, free-market, internet antics.  Meanwhile, check your daily newspaper for just HOW MANY zillions of sleazy, unbelievable ads you can find for miracle cures for arthritis, obesity, erectile dysfunction, cancer, and on and on…  But, hey, those are PRINT MEDIA, and so different rules apply…  Also, NEVER forget THIS:  Money is EVIL!  Google makes money, Google must be evil…  Case proved!  The only money that is NOT evil, is money that is moved around by GAWD Himself!  UPDATE:  Google caved, acknowledged that Government Almighty loves us all, and paid the $0.5 BILLION smackaroos to Government Almighty; praises be!

          We in the Church of Scienfoology, as usual, DO have a solution in mind!  All those internet peddlers of medicine…  They need to market their wares, NOT for consumption by mortal humanoids, but by religious effigies, in religious rituals!  Understand, of course, caveat emptor, buyer beware…  People have understood this for centuries!  Internet sales may send you real snake oil, or fake snake oil, or even poisoned snake oil.  But riddle me this:  How many businesses have ever stayed in business, long term, by killing their customers?  In the days of chat rooms, Facebook, and internet wizardry in general…  Available to all but the most stupid and/or lazy…  Who is not capable of Googling and surfing to snoop out the reputation of a company?!  Oh, yes, absolutely, we Scienfoologists DO understand the terrible, utter horrors of putting ANYTHING into your body, w/o FDA sanction!  And, to buy ANYTHING AT ALL for Scienfoological Religious Ritual use, and then to use it on the human body, THAT is known as the Scienfoology SIN called HAM!  Best of all, here, is that (as long as you don’t KNOW that your internet snake oil has poisons in it, or you can convince yourself that it doesn’t matter, kinda like politicians and the black hole known as the federal deficit) you can go ahead and put those pills into your effigy’s mouth, and do your rituals, and the poisons won’t even ever reach your body!  As long as your faith is strong enough (and you stay far enough away from the radiation), you could put plutonium-laced cyanide in your effigy’s mouth, and believe in the curative powers, and placebo power will make you strong and whole!  Stand with me now, Scienfoology believers!

          We as devout Scienfoologists need to write emails to the online pharmacies, BEGGING them to advertise their wares as being intended only for ritual uses by Scienfoologists!  And/or other religious-effigy-based religions, of course…  Scienfoologists are NOT small-minded, now!  And, if Google should then turn DOWN their ads, said online pharmacies should SUE Google for religion-based discrimination!  THIS is True Scienfoological Genius, I tell you!

          Therefore, on this day, the 22nd of May 2011…  A day which just happens to be the day following the End of the World As We Know It, I might add, a Day of Great Portent…  I, as Supreme Leader of THE Church of Scienfoology (FDA Worshipping Diocese), Do Decree That, In This Great Day Of The Flowering of the Beginning Of The New Worlds After THE End Of The World, that a totally NEW form of Scienfoological Worship Shall Be Instituted!  This will be (is) the True Flowering of The Holy Church, in which case we drop ALL pretenses of hiding Who We Truly Are, We come out of the closet, and we EXPOSE OURSELVES to the world, bravely and without shame, as the True Scienfoological BeLovers that We Are (“I’m Here, I’m Scienfoologicicicicical, Deal With It!!!), and we DEMAND our Sacred Rights!

          Peoples, It Is Called…  APPOSTASY  Application to Potential Providers Of Scienfoological Technology for the Acquisition of Sacrificial Yummies!  Yes, I know…  All along, you thought “appostasy” and similar concepts were utterly archaic, racist, classist, aristocratic, and, most of all, theocratic abominations from the ancient days.  Well, I as High Priest / Priestess of Scienfoology, am here today, to tell you that APPOSTASY has returned, to Rule The Day!  GAWD may have replaced God, yes, that, I do admit…  But APPOSTASY will triumph over apostasy!  All day, and every day!  Trust ME  on this one!

          Go see APPOSTASY for a sample email (and a billion, and a potential gigaterramegagooglekabillion email addresses) for a sample of the practice of the NEWEST and LATEST AND GREATEST Scienfoological Act of Worship!!!

          PS, http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052702303745304576363402414416650.html will show you that GAWD Loves us SO MUCH, that GAWD takes away not only the free speech (and/or MONEY in the form of huge fines) from the likes of Google, who might otherwise DARE to advertise shadowy and questionable goods and services (without spending $$$billions for GAWD-mandated, exhaustive inspections of every advertiser), GAWD ALSO loves us so utterly much, that mainstream medical research results must ALSO be kept away from medical doctors!  Free speech is the ENEMY, so BEWARE!

          PPS, see also http://www.northescambia.com/?p=47161 for an example of where Government Almighty is going to tell Doctors, what they can and cannot talk to us about.

 

Food – Hunger and Starvation -

This is another one of those categories wherein even THE very most Devout Scienfoologists (with the possible exception of Kate Moss) have NOT been able to prove that, Powered by Scienfoology Faith in Effigy / Placebo powers alone, they have been able to feed food to ONLY their effigies, and not to themselves, and be able to live, in the long term.  Accordingly, even though we as Scienfoologists DO believe that “food” is “medically necessary” and therefore should be by-prescription-only for non-Scienfoological un-believers, Methinks we’d better put this one VERY low on our activism list for now.  Sorry, unbelievers, for now, no free food for all, from GAWD, unless you qualify for Food Stamps / SNAP, as having been proved worthy of GAWD’s Love (Manna in this case), according to your out-go level.  But don’t despair, you can still have GAWD’s Manna, as long as you’re unproductive enough as a worker/earner, and the Manna is not quite TOO sweet, see http://reason.com/blog/2010/10/07/cspi-doesnt-want-to-stigmatize , and you WON’T be stigmatized!  Oh, and, about that Manna-from-GAWD’s-Benevolence, AKA food stamps…  Do NOT worry about having this benefit taken away from you MERELY because you won $2 million in the lottery, see http://www.detnews.com/article/20110519/POLITICS02/105190403/1022/Riled-Michigan-lawmakers-urge-action-to-keep-lottery-winners-from-getting-food-stamps , to have your food stamps taken away in that case, well, yes, I do imagine THAT would be “stigmatizing”!  See also http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052702304657804576401412033504294.html?mod=googlenews_wsj

Speaking of food, I must add a few notes about ORGANIC food.  Did you know that organic food is NOT for the birds?  See http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/05/100518230515.htm , our feathered friends would MUCH rather eat NON-organically grown seeds, DESPITE all that extra carbon-tetrachloride-plutoniumate-arsenate-cyanide that we ALL know is SO much more prevalent in the non-organic foods!  So, non-organic foods are “for the birds”…  Just so that you know… ALSO please note that GAWD mandates that organically-grown meats need to be FALSELY labeled, for your protection, concerning the FACT that they contain cancer-causing nitrates and nitrites (but sellers can’t tell you that).  Because, after all, organic food is magically “better” all around…  Yes, this is true, see  http://www.nytimes.com/2011/07/02/business/02hotdog.html ...  To their credit, some organic food providers would like for GAWD to allow them to tell us the truth…  NOT that I am trying to slam GAWD, now!

The Official Doctrine of The Church of Scienfoology is agnostic with respect to organic v/s non-organic…  Feed your effigy whatever makes YOU (and your wallet!) feel the best!  Just be sure NOT to ask your effigy what he or she likes to eat, because that would be HAM!

PS, see http://www.theonion.com/articles/new-prescriptiononly-sandwich-extra-delicious,1170/ , if, at the sandwich shop, Scienfoologists are asked to produce a prescription for that sandwich, before munching out, we can simply explain that it is for our EFFIGY, of course, so, um, “I don’t NEED no stinkin’ prescription!”

 

Genetic Analysis – Ignorance of Genetics-Based Disease Risks -

GAWD will, by and large, allow the Gypsy Lady down the street to put up an Astrology, palm-reading, Tarot-Card-reading, etc., type sign, and go into the fortune-telling business, mostly unregulated.  That’s religious freedom, see?  Or just general individual freedom, period.  You’re free to imbibe as much hokum as you can stand, and pay for.  Now if, on the other hand, you want to go into the business of scientifically, rationally, gathering some genetic samples of freely paying customers, and telling them their “fortunes” based on that, well, then, prepare to jump through a zillion regulatory hoops put up by the All-Wise, All-Seeing, Almighty FDA (Praises Be!).  Walmart recently had to yank kits out of their stores, because of this kind of thing.  We Scienfoologists, as usual, have a simple solution:  Make yourself a cute, kissable, smoochable effigy.  French Kiss him/her/it deeply and passionately.  Most states in the USA have no laws on the books concerning these kinds of things, these days…  Certainly none that are enforced, any more.  Now take a Q-Tip and get some saliva from your effigy, and send it to a religion-based fortune-telling operation, which will tell your effigy, what its medical fortunes are!  Free of the costs-inflating FDA!  Maybe, for now, some genetics-testing company will have to set up operation in China, and we can send our Q-Tips there, if we can’t scare up enough Scienfoology customers yet (in order to justify religiously-free operations in the USA).  SURELY there is no law against sending dirty Q-Tips to China?  And fortune-telling results back to the USA?

If you would like to email these suggestions to the greedy capitalists who might like to get out of the scientific testing field, and into the non-hyper-regulated, spiritual fortune-telling business, please see Samples of POOPAST

 

 

Hookworms     Auto-immune Disorders, Asthma, Colitis, IBD, Crohn's or Multiple Sclerosis -

See http://www.asthmahookworm.com/  THIS should straighten out all those skeptics out there, who question the sanity of Scienfoology Theology, for putting parasites (like the FDA and hookworms, for example) way-way high, at the very top of the pyramid, as objects to be worshipped! See, parasites are good for you!  Good Scienfoologists, of course, will put the hookworms into their effigies, and not into their bodies.  See Worm Therapy Site to get your worms.  However, beware,  We cannot and will not ship to the USA. Contact us to determine if we have experience shipping to your country or one nearby.”   Devout Scienfoologists are encouraged to come up with ideas about how to secure hookworms for use in rituals, with their effigies.  How shall we protect our Religious Freedoms from GAWD’s Wrath?  I just don’t know any more…  Send me your ideas, please!  Also see http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052970204795304577220993641557460.html ...

 

 

Teenage Mutant Ninja Radioactive Parasitic Worms     ALL That Ails You! -

Excuse me for not following the rule of keeping these all alphabetized, but I wanted to keep this one sandwiched right between the above and below entries, for reference.  So, you thought the whole idea of Teenage Mutant Ninja Radioactive Parasitic Worms…  Or middle-aged boring radioactive parasitic worms, or just about ANY kind of radioactive parasitic worms for that matter…  Was just another lame idea for a Hollyweird horror movie.  Well, it’s not!  It’s a health panacea, see above and below!  Good luck getting FDA approval though!  That’s why we Scienfoologists believe in applying radioactive parasitic worms to our EFFIGIES, of course, which is religious freedom!

 

 

Ionizing Radiation     Cancer -

See http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2477708/ , from Government Almighty itself!  Even GAWD admits that lose-dose radiation is actually GOOD for you!  So much for all the ridiculous over-reactions around all but the innermost cores or areas that have had nuclear accidents!  Japan’s recent over-reaction doubtlessly harmed and killed more people…  Some evacuees committed suicide due to the stresses of forced re-locations…  Than would have been harmed by far less over-reactions.  The link I have cited here, shows low-level radiation (in an “accidental human experiment” if you will, in Taiwan) actually reduced cancers to a mere 3% of that of the general population there!  This is “radiation hormesis” and media and Government Almighty need to do more to publicize this!     In the meantime…  Please help me out here…  Where as a Scienfoologist, do I buy radioactive elements, with which to irradiate my effigy?  Without angering the Home-Land Security types?

 

 

Lung Flute – Congested Lungs / Bronchial Tubes -

Go see http://www.medicalacoustics.com and read about the “lung flute”.  It’s a simple flute powered by nothing other than a person blowing through it.  It sets up low-frequency sound waves that help you get rid of gunk (phlegm, sputum) in your lungs.  A great idea, I think, if it works for you.  I got mine a while ago, BEFORE I started the Church of Scienfoology, and yes, I did personally blow on it.  This was BEFORE the sin of HAM, see?  It either did not work for me, or only helped very slightly.   It was WAY underpowered, or wussy.  This flute is no more dangerous or complicated than a child’s flute or a birthday party whistle.  The FDA (Praises Be!) was abnormally fast, as I read things, and approved it’s use in a mere 4 years or so, after Profoundly Deep Scientific Investigations.  And yes, of course, you do need a doctor’s prescription for it (once again, All Hail the Almighty FDA!).

This is nothing other than 2 pieces of molded plastic (a mouthpiece and a flute body), and a “reed”, which is nothing other than a strip of slightly stiff plastic (like the Mylar sheets that one used to put on over-head projectors, to write on, in the “old days”).  And it sets you (or Medicare or Medicaid, or your insurance company) back for $45!  This “medical device” is actually less intrusive into the body than a toothbrush is!  Which is why we as Scienfoologists should be writing inspired emails to the FDA (Praises Be!) to encourage them to mandate prescriptions for toothbrushes!

If you would like to email the lung-flute manufacturer with some creative writings on the topic, please see Samples of POOPAST

 

 

Makena, AKA Hydroxyprogesterone caproate   Miscarriages, Premature Births -

See http://abcnews.go.com/Health/WomensHealth/price-preventing-premature-births-skyrockets-drug/or  http://www.nejm.org/doi/full/10.1056/NEJMp1102796    Here’s a drug that has been available since 1956, at recent prices of $10 per dose.  Now, however, the FDA (Praises Be!) Buddy-olas have teamed up with their Buddy-olas in Big Pharma, and have taken this drug (never approved before by the FDA as being effective) and given it, lock stock and barrel, to “KV Pharmaceutical”.  Since KV Pharma has spent trillions of dollars proving it to be effective, as managed and supervised by armies of GAWD’s Servants at the FDA, now NO ONE else in the USA may produce this drug, any more, under penalty of GAWDs’ Wrath.  $10 per dose now goes to $1,500 per dose, Thank You Morally and Medically Superior Super-Nannies at the FDA!  Praises be!

Drugs never approved before, by the FDA, but “grandfathered” when the FDA became our Mother Superior Super-Nanny, are now goodies to be passed out to FDA Buddies in Big Pharma.  Devout Scienfoologists are encouraged to:  ‘A)  Stock up on their aspirin (for their effigies, of course!).  Previously-grandfathered aspirin is due to become the exclusive property of some well-connected FDA-Nanny-Buddy in Big Pharma any day now, and costs will go to $500 per aspirin pill, any day now.

‘B)  Scienfoologists are encouraged to write emails to all Mom-and-Pop pharmacies in town, and ask them (in support of Religious Freedom, of course) to concoct private small runs of affordable Makena-like substances, for ritual use with pregnant effigies.

UPDATE:  Popular outrage has forced the FDA (All Hail!) to back down on this one.  See http://www.cleveland.com/nation/index.ssf/2011/03/fda_moves_to_undercut_huge_pri.html ...  Now as Chief High Priest and Bottle-Washer of the Church of Scienfoology (FDA Worshipping Diocese), I must grit my teeth while I write these next few sentences…  But sometimes, even We Worshipful Ones (Like Mine Own High and Noble Self) must go ahead and express our doubts about Divine Wisdom, at times.  This back-tracking, this backing down in the face of mere “public outrage” by the carrots, in the face of the Bunny Waaabbits  Or, if you will, these hissy-fit temper-tantrums of “public outrage” by the Bunny Waaabbits, in the face of getting eaten by the Wolves, as is GAWD’s Will…  This is ANTI-progress, this is RETROGRADE Motion, I do fear!!!  This is like letting the lunatics run the asylum!  It is for occasions like these, that I now hereby degree that this questioning of Our High and Mighty Servants of GAWD, this, too, shall be called a flavor of Scienfoological Worship.  It is called FARTSUCK, which is Fears About Retrograde Tendencies, Supplications Unto Czars and Kings…  I have written a sample FARTSUCK email to the FDA for you Scienfoological worshippers, covering this particular case; see FARTSUCK

 

 

Milk, “Frankenfood Milk” & Other Bioengineered-Cooties-Foods   Starvation, Low I.Q., & Impaired Immune Systems -

 

See http://sg.news.yahoo.com/china-launch-human-milk-markets-soon-20110321-210002-352.html for example; Chinese bioengineers have developed a herd of 200 (and growing) cows that produce human-type milk with human-type proteins.  These proteins (not found in regular cows’ milk) help your brain and immune system to develop.  China will approve this & get it on the market in 2 years.  In the USA, the FDA (Praises Be!) will probably take 25 years, or tie it up in the courts forever.  Maybe the FDA will even pull that favorite little trick that GAWD has up the Federal Sleazy Sleeve, and doll out taxpayer money to “public service” NGO entities, which taxpayer money they’ll use to sue the Government Almighty with, to FORCE Government Almighty to get even bigger yet!  “No, that new food of yours, we can’t approve it till we spend a few more trillion dollars, we’ll have to study it some more, to make ABSOLUTLELY sure it’s safe”.  Other foods in the “frankenfood” category include fast-growing fish, pigs with omega-3 fatty oils (fish oil), and pigs that don’t require nearly as much potassium in their diets, or in their stool (which would be a big benefit to the environment).  Prepare for these things to be on the market any century now, but don’t hold your breath!  We Scienfoologists, of course, love GAWD as much as anyone else, so this is all for the best.  Who are we to question Government Almighty?

Tree-huggers don’t like Frankenfoods, of course.  And they’re perfectly content to tell third-worlders that they should starve to death, or suffer for lack of vitamin “A” in their diets (from too much un-enriched rice)…  Those third-worlders had better NOT eat “frankenfoods” like “golden rice”, see http://www.goldenrice.org/PDFs/Mayer_The_GR_controversy_Bioscience_2005.pdf , because we enlightened, rich westerners know what is best for starving poor slobs!  All praise GAWD now!  And for you tree-huggers, maybe you can be consoled by the fact that GAWD sends undercover agents out there to Amish farms, where horrible, evil, criminal Amish dairy farmers DARE to sell natural, whole, un-pasteurized, un-homogenized milk, to willing customers!  GAWD, in His Wisdom, protects us from the natural and the un-natural alike, however GAWD wills!  http://www.farmanddairy.com/news/amish-dairyman-banned-from-selling-raw-milk-again/1120.html All Hail GAWD!  Now yet more of the same, see http://www.grist.org/food/2011-08-11-moms-rally-defend-raw-food-club-federal-raid or http://healthfreedoms.org/2011/08/03/rawsome-foods-swat-style-multi-agency-raid-3-arrests-protest/ for the “rawesome foods” raids, GAWD is using force and violence to protect us all from raw milk, all Praise GAWD some more!

 

But, getting back to the human milk…  Human milk boosts your child’s I.Q., significantly!  Only if they have the right genes, though, see http://www.nimh.nih.gov/science-news/2007/iq-boost-from-breast-milk-linked-to-gene-environment-interaction.shtml ...  So we in the West, who cover in fear of the frankenfoods, let alone “playing God” with our own DNA, will never go where China is going now.  Let me as Founder of Scienfoology now prophesize: 20 years from now, when all the young Chinese people have been drinking human milk from cows, for 2 decades, and maybe even been getting a bit of genetic tinkering here & there, we’ll still be cowering in fear of the franken-monsters over here in the USA and the West in general.  The Chinese will eat our lunch, and our GAWD will be replaced by the Chinese GAWD (I am breaking out my Mandarin Chinese texts & audio tapes tonight!).  But, this is ALL GOOD, because the Chinese GAWD is BIGGER and therefore BETTER than our GAWD!  The Chinese GAWD, for example, will “advise” us as to how many children we can each have!  All hail GAWD!

 

Mirtazapine – Appetite Stimulant -

 

Mirtazapine is officially used for alleviating depression, but makes an excellent appetite stimulant as well.  Good Scienfoologists, of course, will give Mirtazapine ONLY to their EFFIGIES!

 

Pets – High Blood Pressure, Stress, Loneliness -

          As has been well documented, pets ARE of general benefit to one’s health, and yes, OF COURSE they should be by-prescription-only, for the unbelievers (and therefore, for FREE, of course, Praises Be to GAWD!).  We as Scienfoologists MUST follow Proper  Protocols when petting our pets, though…

 

 

Phytic Acid - Triglycerides, Excessive –

          See Discover Magazine 2011 October, or, http://discovermagazine.com/2011/oct/21-dawn-of-the-biohackers/article_view?b_start:int=1&-C= , and see …”rodents dosed with phytic acid registered a drop in serum cholesterol of 32 percent and a decrease in triglycerides of 64 percent…”  This means that those of us who are Devout Scienfoologists with pet rats with high cholesterol and/or triglycerides, will create effigies of our rats, and feed those effigies phytic acid.  A good place to buy it is from http://www.vitacost.com/Vitacost-IP-6-Inositol-Hexaphosphate (phytic acid is AKA this jawbreaker chemical term).

 

 

Psychological Problems, Depression, Bipolar, PTSD, Alzheimers – Lithium Orotate Dietary Supplements -

          AND, maybe even, living longer!  See http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2011/02/110218111709.htm ...  For a good discussion of non-toxic lithium supplements, see http://mysite.verizon.net/res003jh/lithium-orotate/ .  To buy it, see http://mysite.verizon.net/res003jh/lithium-orotate/id20.html and then (one example) http://www.fubaohealthstore.com/LithiumOrotate120mg200Tablets.html .  Now, needless to say, good Scienfoologists will feed these supplements to their EFFIGIES and not take them, themselves, personally; that would be Ham!

 

 

Q-Tips – Earwax -

          “Google” these terms & find plenty!  Talk to the suppliers, and of course, and they will say to keep the Q-Tip a mile away from the inside of your ear canal, and if you are going to even swab the OUTSIDE of your ear, do it only behind a 9-foot-tall, 3-foot-thick, unobtanium blast-shielding wall, so as to make SURE that they’re protected, since you violated “recommended use” criteria, if you sue them, after some-how having managed to hurt your baby feelings, with the Q-Tip, see.

          We Scienfoologists, of course, have a far simpler solution:  Build yourself an ear-effigy, and stick the Q-Tip in there, and root around at will!  Your Strong Faith in Placebo Power and Scienfoology will then help your real ear expel the real earwax!

 

 

Soya Lecithin – Aspirin-induced Stomach Upset & Stomach Bleeding -

          The heart health benefits of regular aspirin consumption are so well-known that I won’t even bother Googling up a link for y’all, you billions of readers you!  Aspirin consumption ALSO prevents colon cancer!  For those poor souls who can’t stomach aspirin, there is a simple and affordable solution:  Take a simple food supplement know as soya lecithin, along with your aspirin.  Problem solved!  The FDA, though (praises Be!) prevents drug makers from combining the two, and telling you all about this, without those greedy capitalists spending $1 billion to PROVE that this is true…  And who wants to do THAT, seeing as how neither of these two substances is a newly cooked-up super-gee-whizz exotic, patentable chemical.    Now all that’s a bunch of Ham, of course.  We Scienfoologists take all of these kinds of ideas, and convert them to Scienfoological, effigy-based Technology, which deserves religious freedom.  Feed aspirin and soya lecithin to your EFFIGY, now, as a devout Scienfoologist, please!  Then some sunny day, when there are enough millions of us Scienfoologists, maybe we can get a combined pill with the both of these ingredients, labeled according to its benefits on your EFFIGY, of course!

 

Religious Role-Playing with Dolls – Psychological and Relationship Problems  -

          GAWD on High has decreed, these days, that Sacred Religious Freedom for Church personnel (Ministers, Priests, Rabbis, etc.) to conduct counseling for parishioners will be fully granted ONLY if such counseling is in Proper Adherence, in GAWD’s All-Seeing Eye, to the mandate that such counseling is “religious” and not “practical” (AKA, practical means, flunks the “rational benefit” test; religious freedoms are fully granted ONLY to the IRRATIONAL beliefs and benefits).  The MSR (the IRS primarily still as of today) is the Ministry of Silly Religions, whose employees are charged with deciding whether or not your counseling of your parishioners is sufficiently silly (irrational) or not.  The color of God’s Throne?  Fully irrational, and therefore free; the Church can counsel you about that all day, and be FREE of worry about getting sued if you go and commit mass murder or suicide after your counseling, because, well, that’s Religious Freedom.  AND you do NOT have to worry about “backing out” your “rational benefit” you got back from the Church (in a “quid pro quo” manner, in return for your donation to the Church), because you didn’t GET any “rational benefit” at all!  So your donation is fully tax-deductable, DESPITE your getting counseled about the style of God’s haircut.

          Now if, on the other hand, you get counseled about your mental troubles or the state of your marriage, and then you go commit mass murder of suicide, then the Church can get sued for psychological malpractice, AND you ALSO might even need to worry about your full tax deduction, because of your “rational benefit”.

          The Church of Scienfoology generously offers a solution for you!  Husband and wife need to each take an EFFIGY of themselves in to the Church / Mosque / Synagogue / What-Have-You…  The Church of Scienfoology PROMISES not to call you a “squirrel”, or sue you, in return for “borrowing” or “stealing” our “Scienfoology Technology” here, we Scienfoologists are ecumenical and broad-mindedly generous here…  And then, they can pretend that their EFFIGIES did good and bad stuff to each other, in Heaven and Hell and Purgatory and so forth, and, pending the publication of full details from MSR  Does anyone know where to write emails to, to obtain such details? …  If the talk about transgressions, fighting, and peacemaking between the effigies is sufficiently RELIGIOUSLY IRRATIONAL and suitably discussed as taking place in Heaven / Hell / Purgatory / etc. (NOT on Earth, now!), then you will be fully religiously free!  Free from both GAWD’s Wrath, AND the wrath of the ravening lawyers!

          Soon, I plan to write a skit or two about how this might all work, how the Religious Therapist might need, MSR rulebook in hand, to constantly remind the parishioners to keep their role-playing on a sufficiently non-Earthly level, even in the heat of the arguments.  I think this would make a DARN GOOD reality show, by the way!

 

Shaving Your Pits – Stinky Pits, Rashes -

          I as the SQRLSy One can tell you personally that stinky arm-pits and rashes at these locations can be MUCH suppressed simply by regular shaving and bathing.  Razors (cuts!) and water (drowning!) and soap (makes you sick if you eat it!), though, obviously being more dangerous than flute-blowing, we can expect the FDA (Praises Be!) to require prescriptions for such things, any day now!  In eager anticipation of such things, we as Devout Scienfoologists bathe and shave our EFFIGIES and not ourselves, though.

 

Squeeze Machine (AKA Hug Machine) – Stressed-Out Autistic People -

          Temple Grandin has discovered that autistic people (just like many animals, certainly including domestic mammals, ie., cows, etc.) are much soothed, calmed, and re-assured through the application of pressure onto their bodies.  See, for example, http://www.grandin.com/inc/intro-squeeze.html , where complete plans are revealed.  OR, you can buy yourself one if you are much inclined to shell out $2 grand.    Now if, on the other hand, you would like to go the low-budget route, follow these latest-and-greatest instructions, which flow straight from the Utter Genius of Scienfoological Technology:    ‘1) Acquire yourself a set of bed-sheets and/or blankets, and ‘2) A set of two mattresses.  A conventional mattress (to include bedframe if desired) constitutes the bottom layer of the “autistic person’s soothing Dagwood pressure sandwich” which we are now in the process of building.  ‘3)  The middle layers now consist of sheets and/or blankets, such that your effigy (or your son’s, or daughter’s, or husband’s, wife’s effigy, etc.) will feel comfortable with their skin or PJs contacting said material, as they squeeze themselves, um, meaning their effigy bodies, into the middle of the “sandwich”.  More on that in a moment…  ‘4) Now for the next layer up. In the Dagwood-(bed)-sandwich, another mattress will do.  An AIR mattress is MUCH recommended over a regular mattress, because that will even distribute the pressure, much better.  I will not insult your (dear reader’s) intelligence so far, as far as sourcing for materials goes…  Air mattresses can be had at any decent camping store.  ‘5)  For the next-up, and final, topping of the Dagwood sandwich, one needs a bunch of WEIGHT which will not easily topple off, as your autistic effigy crawls into the middle of the sandwich.  For this final layer, the True Genius of Scienfoological technology come shining through!  ‘5A) Buy yourself a bunch of sandbags, and fill them with sand.  http://www.esandbags.com/ is recommended; $0.17 per sandbag, you can’t beat THAT price!  Double-bagging your sand, and using bailing wire to reinforce the wimpy plastic tie-offs that come with the bags, is recommended.  Use these sandbags to create literally dirt-cheap sources of weight (fill them with sand or gravel).  ‘5B)  Simply adding the filled sandbags to the top of the air mattress is very touch-and-go, in terms of them rolling off, as equilibrium is upset by the process of your effigy crawling into the middle of the “sandwich”.  This is all assuming stand-alone, un-assisted use by one single effigy.  More on that in a moment…  Anyway, the solution to “5B” problem here is simply, make yourself some long chains of “weight sausages” out of the sandbags.  String them one after the other into a long, tied-to-one-another chain, like sausages.  Recommended here (for a mere $60 or so, including shipping) is strips of AviGard Flex Net Premium 17ftx100ft, NVFP00-1701-0001, High Density Polyethylene (HDPE) yarn …  See http://www.vineyardbirdnetting.com/?gclid=CPbko5jZ9KYCFUeW7QodNXV-Ew  Cut this stuff down the middle, making 2 * 8 & ½ foot-wide strips of it, and roll your sausage-string of 6 or 7 sandbags per sausage strip, hippie-rolling-a-joint style, into the netting strips, with string or rope tie-offs between the sandbags.  Now, you have an assembly of weights…  Make yourself 5 or 6 of these strips, of variable length and variable number, depending on the dimensions of your effigy and of your mattresses…  And drape them across the top of your “Dagwood sandwich”.  Now you are DONE, all except for coaxing your effigy to crawl into the middle of the pressure sandwich!

          And now I can just about hear all of the non-believers and heathens objecting, “Well, why don’t you deposit your effigy into the middle of the sandwich, and personally lie your own body down on the top of it, to provide the weight, and dispense with all the sandbags etc.?”  To that I reply, well, um, what about independence and autonomy?  What about when you want to send your effigy, all by himself or herself, off to college, for example, and your effigy has no reliable or dependable roommate who is going to go through all this nonsense to help out a poor autistic effigy?  Independence is WAY important here!

          OK, next I hear you say, an effigy is NOT going to be able to crawl into the middle of the sandwich all by himself or herself?  Well, we Truly Faithful Scienfoologists just GIVE UP in the face of such heathen unbelievers as you!  Get thee behind us, unbelievers!!!  Also please note, such activities on the part of “inanimate” effigies will NOT manifest themselves in the presence of unbelievers!  If it did, it would transpose all of Scienfoology from the realm of religion into the realm of science, and then the FDA (Praises Be!) would be all over our cases!  So, in generous and benevolent concern for the welfare of humanoids, Scienfoological effigies steadfastly REFUSE to perform in the presence of unbelievers!

          Finally, let me mention a few last precautions:  For fear of GAWD’s lawyers, and the dangers of users ingesting sandbags, or air-filled mattresses, etc., the following user precautions are mandated:  Use your effigy pressure sandwich ONLY behind 9-yard-tall, 3-yard-deep, platinum-electro-plated blast walls, these walls being at least 50m yards long, and consisting of solid glassy metals (excluding the platinum plating, which shall be at least 4.44 inches thick).  If these precautions are not followed precisely, then do NOT even THINK ABOUT suing the Church of Scienfoology!

          Stay tuned for photos of the pressure sandwich to be posted here eventually (I think; be patient)…  Excluding the blast walls, their manufacturing details will remain Top Secret…

 

Toothbrushes, Toothpaste – Tooth Decay –

          Clearly more dangerous and bodily-intrusive than a flute, these should require a medical or dental prescription, of course!  Devout Scienfoologists, though, will brush the teeth of their EFFIGIES, and not of themselves, in anticipation of the Glorious Days ahead of us, when GAWD shall make these things FREE for the unbelievers, and give us Scienfoologists Special Religious Freedoms to buy tooth-brush-like ritual objects for $2 as opposed to paying $45 as we’d otherwise have to if we weren’t GAWD-Blessed or insurance-company-blessed.

 

Anti-Lawyers Magic Spell –

          I, and the entity known as the Church of Scienfoology, do hereby, whereinby, thereinby, and foreverandeverinby, stickaneedleinmyeyeandby, add this here VERY clear and lawyerly disclaimer that “Theses and thoses writings are not intended to provide medical advice, diagnosis or treatment.  They are provided ONLY to enhance your Religious Freedoms” is hereby added.  It applies to all of the writings on this web site, most ESPECIALLY to the above sections!

History of the Church :

The Church of SQRLS (Scienfoologists Questing for Religious Liberty, Sincerely) was founded in 2011 by The SQRLSy One (whose other names, sex, occupation, and address is Top Secret).  The SQRLS acronym invokes, yes, squirrels and maybe even nuts.  Did you know that the Church of Scientology has historically referred to those who “steal” their “secrets” as “squirrels”?  So yes, we of the Church of SQRLS have, yea verily, taken inspiration from the Church of Scientology.  They might very well accuse us of being “squirrels”. Think about this:  They have an “E-meter” (much like a crude lie detector, responding to sweaty or non-sweating skin; skin electrical resistance) that detects your “engrams”.  By curing your “engrams”, this “Church” will (in return for vast “donations” to earn you these benefits of having your “engrams audited”) cure you of just about every ailment known to mortal humans.  Now, if the “Church” called the “e-meter” a “psychometer” instead… And said that they were curing your “psychoses” instead of your “engrams”…  Then the FDA, Peace Be Upon Them, would be all over their cases, Nine Ways To Sunday.  But the Church of Scientology is very wise, and so are we SQRLS folks!  We did NOT fall off of the turnip truck yesterday!  Oh, by the way, also please note that the “Church” of Scientology does NOT like competition, they do NOT approve of psychologists or psychiatry.  Witness Tom Cruise’s rants against Brooke Shields for taking medicines to ward off post-partum depression.  Those are ENGRAMS and not PSYCHOLOGICIAL PAINS you are feeling, dang it, and send your money to the Church of Scientology, not the medical establishment, darn you silly fools!  Get it straight, now!

          Now in the name of keeping our theology straight, we do not mean to sing the praises, endlessly, of the Scientologists.  They do, after all, apply their e-meters directly to the human body, which is a clear and direct transgression against the SQRLS Commandment that Thou Shalt Not Commit HAM.  If they applied the e-meter to a religious effigy, now THAT would be proper, according to true SQRLS theology.  Not to quibble, but there it is… 

          So the Scientologists avoid the Wrath of the FDA by merely slapping a “non-medical-device”-type disclaimer on their e-meter / psychometer?  See http://skepdic.com/emeter.html   and also http://www.catholic.org/national/national_story.php?id=41507 … Then SURELY Government Almighty will allow us Scienfoologists to do the same with ritual-use-only, sacrificial, pills and devices, yes?

          Speaking of history, and taking inspiration from the past, I must also mention the matter of the alcohol prohibition era.  There were some Americans, back in the day, who wanted to sell blocks of concentrated grape juice, and sugar, and yeast maybe even, and other supplies.  The “Vino-Sano Grape Brick”, it was called.  For nefarious law-breaking booze-brewers, see.  But they were struck with a small conundrum:  Just HOW do we tell the users of the supplies, how to use them, when alcohol was, after all illegal?  Then some fine genius among them was struck by inspiration:  “Do NOT dissolve the grape juice concentrate in 5 gallons of warm water, and do NOT add five pounds of sugar.  And for Heaven’s sake, PLEASE do not add yeast, and contain the resulting mix in an out-gassing-only (no in-gassing) container.  Do NOT do this for 2 or 3 weeks, because if you do, you might get some alcoholic beverages, and that would be illegal.  So don’t do that.” (My paraphrasing)    Problem solved!

          Again, in the Name of Theological Purity, I must mention that I do not fully approve of the above-described nefarious doings.  I recall reading the writings of James Bovard, who pointed out that in those days (maybe even today?), there were fine Federal Government Servants who chortled gleefully every time that people died of methanol (wood alcohol) poisoning.  Now THAT will help teach those dastardly moon-shiners!    To be TRULY theologically correct, all that the suppliers, way back in the day, should have done, is to declare that their medicines that they wanted their customers to be able to brew, were not even meant for human consumption at ALL, but were, rather, for consumption by religious effigies.  Now, these activities would have been quite irrational and religious, see, and so therefor would have been fully deserving of religious freedom, SQRLS-style.  As it was, they were guilty of supplying people who practiced sinful HAM.  But, with small tweaks, HAM can be turned around for proper religious practices, of course.  Our ancestors did not benefit from the Deep Wisdoms of the Church of SQRLS, which had not yet been invented, and so we must forgive them for their HAM.  And we should even admit that, despite their sinful ways, yes, we do take some inspiration from them.

 

Theology of The Church of SQRLS. 

 

          Scienfoology (FDA Worship Diocese) starts off with the basics, and builds up from there.  Some of our beliefs are ancient, and, yes, derived from older religions.  It makes us far more acceptable to mainstream thought (and therefor much more likely to eventually be recognized, Scientology-style, by the IRS, as a “real” church, worthy of tax deductions when donating to our Noble Cause) if we can tap into Ancient Beliefs, such as Man’s Mastery of the Earth (Old Testament style) and worship of Pyramids, Ancient Egyptian style.  You could say that we Scienfoologists are very Pyraminded.  Long Live PyraMind Power!  Power to the PyraMinds!

          So, we worship pyramids, and whoever is on top of the pyramid, and God’s Laws of Nature.  All must keep to their proper station on the Pyramid Scheme.  These ways of thinking are very ancient and respected, and so, religions (like Scienfoology) that are derived from them, should be fully respected…  Certainly, at the VERY least, by the IRS.

          So let’s get right down to it, and start drawing pictures of pyramids, of Nature, and The Way That God Designed Nature, and how human affairs and Religions are, rightfully, based on pyramids.  PyraMindedness is a VERY powerful tool, by which we can understand God’s Cosmos.  Let’s start with the basics, shall we?

 

 

 

          So here, for starters, we have the basics, before humans entered the Natural Scheme (of Things & Stuff).  As we all know, it is better to be higher on the pyramid than lower on it.  “It’s good to be the King”, as Mel Brooks told us.  What lots of folks don’t want to talk about, though, is that the supposed “kings” of creation are, in turn, feasted upon by parasites!  Even those parasites, in turn, are feasted upon by their own parasites!  In Scienfoology, as we shall see, we ALWAYS worship the top of the pyramid, and those that are on it or in it.  So, when worshipping our Most Eminent Superiors at the FDA for example, “Shameless Government Parasite” is a Title of Great Honor.  Why SHOULD they be ashamed of serving us all, from the top of the pyramid, for example, by protecting us from ear-poppers and lung flutes?  So of COURSE they are shameless, and rightfully so!

          But getting back to the basics, also note a few other things about the above diagram:  It has various very intellectually sophisticated concepts scattered about, by Yours Truly, the SQRLSy One, to demonstrate that I am Truly Deep, and that I can make cool-looking Power-Point and Visio drawings.  It ALSO reminds us that things are always a WEE tad more complicated than gross over-simplifications.  Even though carrots are obviously superior to dirt (and consume dirt in order to make a living), and Bunny Waaabbits feast on carrots, and Wolves feed on waaabbits, even the waaabbits & the wolves will upon occasion, when no one is looking, shame-facedly slink on down to the salt lick, and feast directly on the world of dirt (salt).  So once in a while, as conscientious and honest Scienfoologists, we have to make our diagrams show a LITTLE bit of extra sophistication, and show these complexities.  But not too much, please!  It just gets way too cluttered when one shows the 1 in 1,000,000 time that the fleas jumps off of the wolf, in order to eat some salt at the salt lick!  Please!

          The ONE most serious idea, in Scienfoology, that the above drawing should convey, though, is that the Natural Order of Things is for those on upper layers, to ruthlessly exploit those on lower layers.  The carrots shamelessly consume the dirt, the bunnies consume the carrots without remorse, and the wolves tear the waaabbits limb from limb, and devour them without even offering them ANY kind of sensitivity or therapies whatsoever!  This is the way that God / Allah / Etc designed the Universe, and so obviously it MUST be The Way Things Ought to Be.  Period!  That’s what Scienfoology is all about…  Worshipping the Way Things Are, and the very TOP of the pyramid!

          Now let’s move on through human history, and the history of the pyramids of power and exploitation, focusing more and more, on the upper reaches of the pyramid.  As you shall see, pyramid drawings can be very powerful for illustrating and understanding what’s going on, how we got here, and where we can go from here.  Here is a drawing of “How Things Were” when humans first started making bigger marks in the world:

                                           

                                           

 

          The above focuses on the middle layers of what was shown below (but always, please, keep in mind that the parasites ride supreme, above all else).  Humans and wolves both, together, feasted upon the Waaabbits (and sloths, and orangutans, and so forth).  Sometimes wolves ate humans, and sometimes humans ate wolves, or trimmed their parka-hoods with wolf fur, and such, is what is meant by showing notches into/above the wolf domain, from the humans, and vice-a-versa.  ALSO sometimes humans delved into the vegetable domain, and competed with the waaabbits by feasting upon the carrots, and upon the breakfast cereals (unlike the more purely carnivorous wolves), which is also what is meant to be diagrammed above (see notches; horizontal line above enemy territory implies superiority, and feasting upon, the below/inferior ones).

          Now let us move to the first major technological revolution, which was the agricultural revolution:

 

 

 

          Now here we introduce the new convention of “red means stop” which means, block the access of the superior, feasters, who want to feast upon the inferiors.  Humans invented fences, snares, ropes, and other agricultural technologies to fence in the waaabbits (and fruit bats, and orangutans, and llamas, and so forth) so as to control their access to the carrots (all for the benefits of the superior humans, who are further up the pyramid, of course).  Other or similar technologies (fences & snares once again, plus spears, bows, and arrows) restricted the access that the wolves had to the bunnies.  Humans prospered and expanded, wolves shrank.  Humans even recruited other species to enlarge their domains.  Cats became part of “human tech” to restrict the access of bunny waaabbits (did you know that rats and mice are, scientifically speaking, “honorary bunny waaabbits”?) to human granaries.  Dogs (enslaved wolves) served to assist the humans in collecting a few “rent payments” from sheep, goats, cows, deer, moose, and other prey (“honorary bunny waaabbits”), wild or not so wild.

          Another new introduction above is the “green for go” colored ACCESS block above, which enables the one level of the pyramid to access the resources of the other block.  Red means stop, green means go.  “Good” or “bad”, though, in Scienfoology, does NOT necessarily equate to green good, red bad…  “It all depends on whose bunny waaabbit gets gored”, as they say.  In the above case, since Scienfoologists are all human (with very rare exceptions perhaps), all of the “tech” above is GOOD.  The green block, in this case, is seeds, fertilizers, shovels, rakes, harrows, tractors, combines, Archer Daniels Midland, Tyson Foods, and all other things that help humans feast upon the carrots and the breakfast cereals (and to parcel out the carrots, ONLY to the deserving waaabbits that we can feast upon, or who sing or purr for us, in a soothing manner, so as to lower our blood pressure).  And I think that since petting our “companion animals” DOES lower our blood pressures, the FDA (Peace Be Upon Their Name) should make us get prescriptions for these little “medical devices”, AKA “pets”…

          OK, so, now, moving on to other aspect of human development and history, we have this supposedly “primitive” arrangement of affairs, at the very top of the before-shown pyramids…  Let’s just ignore the parasites top-block for a little while, or, alternately, if you’re theoretically and theologically inclined towards religions of Gaia and Trees-and-Shrubs-Hugging…  We Scienfoologists ARE yea verily broadminded and ecumenical, Yes We Are… (How About You??!!)  Then you can just as easily assimilate the below drawing by thinking of ALL recent human affairs as being focused in the uppermost “parasites upon the planet” block.  All that we as Scienfoologists ask, is that we ALL are tolerant of the rights of the Superior Entities At The Top Of The Pyramid!!!  “It’s good to be the King”, can’t we all at least agree to THAT, at least??!

          Please note that, in most of the further-below pyramids, we’ll just show a tiny little “P for Parasite” at the top of the pyramid, to just continually remind ourselves that Parasites, being at the very top of the Pyramid, must be held sacred by all True Scienfoologists.  A special exception will be made when referring to the (supposedly) Devine, God…  Even we Scienfoologists really don’t know for sure if God or is dined upon by Parasites, or not…  Unlike SOME religions, we don’t claim to know EVERYTHING!!!

          OK, then, off to advanced human post-Neanderthal affairs, then…

 

 

 

          Now with all due respects to the likes of “savage” glorifiers (state of Nature good, civilization bad) like the Deep Thinker Rousseau, I must say, the above scheme of things DID yea verily prevail from the days of 40,000 or more BC, right up to maybe 200 years or so ago, and sometimes later.  It only BARELY began to change, when, sadly (in the eyes of Scienfoology), the above primitive (and therefor admirable, peace-loving, and in all ways beautiful) scheme of things was badly upset by those horrible and thuggish technologists who would upset the apple cart, and allow the slovenly ones to access things that, well, they were / are just NOT sufficiently degreed, credentialed, licensed, and educated to handle.  I speak of Galileo and his Demonic printing presses, of course.  Just LOOK at what happened!

 

 

 

 

 

          So as we all know, BEFORE Galileo and his Demonic printing press (remember, technology = bad), the primitive “savages” were all pure and un-contaminated by “civilization”.  There might have been the VERY occasional, totally peaceful debate about how many angels can dance on the head of a pin, or about whether the priests could REALLY turn the wine into Jesus’s Blood, and so forth, but it was ALL peaceful and (to borrow a phrase from a later era) hippagroovalistic.  No innocent blood was ever shed, just a bit of red wine, now and then…  BEFORE it was turned into Jesus’s blood, because they ALL, deeply respected all that was sacred.  “No humans were hurt in the making of this history”…  Just a few unbelievers here and there, and they were, after all, NOT human, they were HERETICS and WITCHES!  Kinda like today’s “illegal humans”, for example.

          Then along came Galileo, and all Hell broke loose!  Slovenly, un-educated peasants started to read the Bible.  SOME of them even became so brazen as to say they didn’t even NEED to memorize every jot and tittle of the Holy Book, that they might be able to examine their consciences on their own, and talk to “God” or “that which is good”, and sometimes even becoming blaspheming un-believers and witches in the eyes of their fellows, and talking about “loving their fellow humans”, WITHOUT reference to God, or to GAWD, even!  As we all know, such anchorless societies can never stand the tests of time!

          We as Scienfoologists, of course, are not fooled… We KNOW how sweet and innocent we all were as uncivilized, ignorant savages, before Galileo, and how, by reducing the Divine Rights of Kings and Priests (those rightfully and righteously residing at the top of the pyramid), we all made everything MUCH worse.  After our innocence (non-technologically-assisted, innocent jungle-dwelling, state-of-nature ways) was shredded to pieces, ONLY then did all the horrible bloodshed begin!  100 years religious wars and so forth, ONLY because the ignorant slobs were able to read their own Bibles!  Oh, to put Galileo back into the Genie’s bottle!  Sad to say, such shall never be…

          Before we finally show the True Genius of the Technology of the Church of Scienfoology (FDA Worshipping Diocese), we must practice a little bit more of the Study of Pyramids.  Yes, it’s largely political, but it IS good practice.  Someday, I would like to spin this off to someone else’s website, and divorce Scienfoology from so much politics…  We in the West know that churches shall NOT speak their minds about politics, and still be qualified for IRS tax breaks…  But until such time as Scienfoology can take those steps (suck some butt with the IRS, etc.), hey, why NOT dabble into politics in the meantime?  Just for the “pyramid theory” practice, of course…

          Now on to matters of economics, the US Constitution, and free trade, and so forth, here again is a good case of pyramids “before” and “after”, with red and green blocks, and such, just for practice, before we get to the “grand finale” of what the Church of SQRLS (FDA Worship Diocese) is all about.

          Right after the American Revolution (other than a few heretics here and there, presuming to talk to God without the benefits and blessings of their Betters, sarcastic “thanks a LOT!” to Galileo & his printing press), things were pretty groovy.  People knew their stations in life, and kept to them.  If, for example, the maple syrup farmers of Vermont appealed to their political Superiors in the State of Vermont, and asked for market protections from those dastardly syrup farmers in New Hampshire, via tariffs on those inferior NH farmers…  And/or the strawberry farmers of NH wanted protection from those slovenly farmers in Vermont…  Then their state-government “Betters” accommodated the special-interests farmers, who were, after all, further up the pyramid (and therefor superior to) the stupid, slovenly consumers who wanted cheap, high-quality syrup and strawberries.  “Good jobs for Good Vermont Farmers” they said (and rightly so), in Vermont, and vice versa in New Hampshire, and all was well.  Like so:

 

 

 

 

The above scheme of things was all well and good in the eyes of today’s all-seeing and Wise Scienfoologists, such as Mine Own Noble Self, the SQRLSy One.  It was all for The Good, because everyone was kept in their proper place in the Grand Pyramid Scheme of things.  Now sad to say, the Feds, next, did a very silly and bad thing, NOT in keeping with proper principles of Scienfoology.  See below…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

          The above re-arrangement of affairs forced all those poor, hard-working farmers in both Vermont and New Hampshire, as well as all of the hardworking, poor doctors, lawyers, and bankers in the other states, to have to compete with one another, to provide competitively priced goods and services to all American consumers, without regard to interstate borders.  This arrangement, for years and years, improved quality and forced prices lower, across all of America.  This was a VERY bad thing, though, in the eyes of All-Wise Scienfoologists, because, well, you see, the sacred rights of the upper echelons of the Pyramid (Special Interests) were not properly respected.  No long-term good of any kind can result from such things…  Only all sorts of chaos, badness, non-conformity, inappropriateness, and disrespect of authority, can come of this.  It is as if the mud and the dirt should demand that it should be allowed to consent, before the carrots can grow in it, or as if the carrots should be empowered to say, “No More”, to the Waaabbits, or as if the Waaabbits should rule the Wolves!  Such things are clearly in contravention to the Devine Pyramid Scheme as devised by God/GAWD/The Universe, and such things, clearly, cannot be allowed to stand!

          Fortunately for the sake of Goodness and Order in the PyraMinded Cosmos, the Feds, slowly but surely, came to their senses.  In our far more hippagroovalistic, progressive present, the Interstate Commerce Clause of the Constitution has now been re-interpreted to become a giant sea of red.  The feds can regulate how often Thou Shalt Be Allowed to Blow Thine Own Nose, because after all, nose-blowing will affect the interstate commerce in handkerchiefs.  Interstate buying and selling of medical insurance is prohibited, because, well, um, if that were to be allowed, then when the All-Wise Government of the Socialist Republic of Massachusetts (wisely and compassionately) decrees that Space Alien Abduction Aroma-Therapy  MUST be covered by any health insurance offered within its borders, then we can NOT allow common consumer scum to bypass all compassion and common sense, and buy sub-standard health insurance from some low-brow neighboring state!  And furthermore, OF COURSE the Interstate Commerce clause empowers the feds to mandate buying health insurance in the first place!  Don’t be silly now!  In the eyes of Scienfoology, whatever empowers the upper layers of the pyramid (state and federal governments in this case), is good! 

So skip the pyramid drawing in this case, it would be too busy…  Just imagine 50 states, or 350 million individuals, all encompassed by an access-to-each-other-blocking sea of red, on top of which sits the federal government, and its freedom-of-interstate-commerce clause, all of which protects us from the horrors of pyramid-power-disrespect.  So, when bad things happen (example = the early years of the Interstate Commerce Clause, with trade freedom for greedy capitalists & consumer scum), never give up hope!  Always remember, GOOD new things can arise from the seeds buried in the old!  The federal power inherent in the Clause DID eventually spring forth to bring about Goodness and Order, right out of the chaos and badness!

OK, now just a few more lessons in history and theology, and practice of PyraMindedness, and then we will move on to the Crowning Glory of Scienfoology (FDA-Worshipping Diocese).  Now in the bad ol’ days (of early & middle-aged America), we had a scheme wherein God ruled all.  People were free to believe in a Christian or Islamic or Jewish God/Allah/Yahweh or many Hindu Gods and Elephants and Monkeys and Nirvanha and Cows, or in a Buddhist non-god, or assorted fuzzy mish-mashes of all of the preceding, or even in atheist or agnostic subversive concepts of simply living one’s neighbor in the name of a non-theological mish-mash of Love/Reason/Conscience/Self-Restraint/Civilization, Puppy-Kissing, or “Whatever”.  (Only the “Whatever” part now still clings to the vestiges of power in young people’s minds, anymore, Thank GAWD)!    Well anyway, when I say “God”, below, I mean a GRAND chaotic mix of all the preceding definitions of Gods and non-gods…  In an earlier instance of America, many-many people lived together mostly peacefully, despite their NOT having a commonly defined God, other than understanding that one was supposed to try one’s best to “love one’s neighbors”.  The poor, even, were supported by freely given, non-coerced charity, encouraged (not forced) to do so by the churches and non-churches.  Americans…  Gack!  Hawk!  G(*T*(TYQETFir347tsof^#(ydbve  Sputtering at keyboard…  HF$&YT*tffg497f63f73…

Alert!  INCOMING MESSAGE FROM THE BIG HEAD!  Beware, My Children, that the raving lunatic that has written this web site, sometimes comes just barely to the edges of Consciousness of Me.  Raving Lunatic says a lot of really, really stupid things, but sometimes you should listen to him or her, just a wee tad.  What he or she was just barely allowing to tickle his or her brain, was contemplation of a Transcendent and Mysterious Concept.  The Concept (Me, the Big Head) is, and is not.  The agnostics and atheists are to be respected, not to be feared, let alone burnt at the stake as witches.  They, too, have a piece of the Truth, for they understand even better than the believers do, that I, in a sense, do not exist.  I am so utterly and completely, sternly dedicated to your free will, that I might as well not exist.  I will NOT strike you down with lightning bolts, even when you do evil in My Name.  So yes, in the power-fearing, coercion-fearing sense or ways of you humans, I do not exist.  There IS no “Giant Cop in the Sky”, that rules through fear.  When you think THAT way, you are confusing Me with the opposition.  I Rule through Love, not through fear.

Yet in other ways, the atheists and agnostics of your world have ignored an obvious Truth.  I have NO CHOICE but to exist!  Those who have believed in Me  Whether I “exist”, or not…  Have made Me VERY REAL!  No one can quite sincerely pray (to Me or anything else) for peace, and then immediately turn around and stab their neighbor in the back.  This is true, without regard to whether I “exist”, or not.  So I, the Big Head, exist, whether I want to or not.  And My Side ***WILL WIN***!!!  Take Hope!  Listen … ^HGGIIWtW$TY HGHG& %@FYhg8gh456 84%%$ ### 

Sputter…  SNEEZE- SNEEZE- SNEEZE- ACHOOO!!!- BIG- FAT –GIANT- SLOBBERY-GOOBERY-SNEEZE!!!    

Where was I?  (You have to forgive me for my occasional little fits and spasms here, I don’t know what happens to me sometimes).  Oh, yes, as I was saying, in the bad ol’ days “God”, as however chaotically He/She/It was defined, was at the top of the pyramid.  Politics, religion, charity, taxpayers/givers, and the poor were organized like this:

 

 

 

 

 

 

The above scheme of things, to a Devout Scienfoologist, was an abomination!  For one thing, there weren’t enough poor people to properly support the base of the pyramid.  Even worse, they were often allowed to escape their proper station in life, completely and entirely!  Last but not least, the top-most layers of the pyramid were deprived of all but the tiniest slivers of coercive powers.  In Scienfoology, you see, “Power” (coercion) is far better than mush-minded ideas about “free will” (an entirely fuzzy, unreliable, and even DANGEROUS thing, you see.  Just like uppity bunny waaabbitts, trying to tell the wolves what to do.  The inmates running the asylum.  Contrary to the Natural Scheme of Things).

Thank GAWD, there are now newer and better ways of organizing things!  See below…

 

 

 

 

So now finally we Touch The Face of GAWD  GAWD is a Prime Divinity in Scienfoology.  GAWD is the Grand Idea that “Government Almighty’s Wrath Delivers”.  But yes, we Scienfoologists have made GAWD more than “merely” a thought or an idea in our heads.  Some may call it “sleight of hand” or slip-shodness, or some such, but yes, often GAWD will, in Scienfoology parlance, be a synonym for “Government” or “Government Almighty”.  We do, yes, personify the abstract, Most Delightfully Devine Idea that is GAWD, and put a Name and Face on It.  In the same sense that Christians KNOW, very well, that their founder told them that “The Kingdom of Heaven is in you and among you” (Luke 17:20-21), and then proceed on to tell their students in Bible classes, that God is a Old Man in a robe on a throne, so, to, do we sometimes simplify things for easier understanding.

Ascendancy of GAWD Over God :

In any case, Thank GAWD, GAWD has now replaced God!  (Now please excuse the slightly sloppy drawing above).  GAWD makes darn well SURE that all the scum taxpayers do the right thing, and support the Poor (Oh, yes, and, of course, the Government Servants also) in a generous, giving manner.  No more dangerous, unreliable “free will” messy mush here!  Push that off into a corner…  GAWD is far more capable of loving the poor, the elderly, and so forth, than voluntary obedience to “God” like in the old days!  Best of all, the poor are kept in their proper station on the pyramid…  Not only are there armies of GAWD’s Servants / Shepherds whose livelihoods depend on keeping their children / sheep in their proper, safe corals, GAWD also, in His Wisdom, passes a plethora of rules and regulations and licensing laws, to keep the poor in their proper places.  In Louisiana, for example, the poor are prohibited from arranging flowers for pay, without a license (which is granted to them by flower-arrangers who already KNOW how to competently arrange flowers, without endangering the public).  Now it is true that EVIL institutions like the Institutes for Justice (http://www.ij.org/   ), for example, have been hiring lawyers…  Lawyers usually are on the side of GAWD, you know, but in this case, IJ lawyers fight for Evil, against GAWD!  Well anyway, we all need to pray to GAWD that He will smite the evil likes of IJ lawyers, and keep on protecting the public from poorly arranged flowers, and keep on keeping the poor in their proper places on the pyramid, by, ‘A) keeping them enthralled by GAWD’s Tender Mercies, AKA Welfare…  P.J. O’Rourke once called it “Hay and a barn for human cattle”, that insensitive lout!    and  ‘B) by keeping them away from professions where they might actually earn money for themselves, from freely buying consumers.  As we all know…  For sure, at least, as we Scienfoologists know…  Money is evil, except when GAWD moves it around!

Sorry for the little side trip there…  In any case, what I was saying is, GAWD has replaced God.  In the bad old days, whenever there was a problem, we looked to God to solve it, however we understood God.  “God helps those who help themselves”, we said.  And if there wasn’t anything we could do about something bad, we said, “The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away, blessed be the Name of the Lord”.  All this was a big mess, and it didn’t help clarify who stood where on the pyramid, which is what Scienfoology (and common sense too) is all about.

Now, thank GAWD, in our hippagroovalistic, progressive new days, GAWD and SHAMM (the Statist Heaven Above Mere Mortals, in D.C.) has made it all far simpler and easier to know who stands where, on the Sacred Pyramid of Power.  Note that little “P” up there at the very Peak of the Pyramid…  It stands for “Power”.  Or “Power Pigs”.  Or “Politicians”.     Wait!  I hear you say, that I earlier said that it stood for “Parasites”!  Well, yes, I did, I suppose.  But these are petty little, meaningless debates here…  Sort of like the old-time Christians fighting over how many angels can dance on the head of a pin.  We Scienfoologists are MUCH smarter than that!  So, in a magnanimous Spirit of Generous Broadmindedness, I say to you, the “P” at the Peak of the Pyramid, stands for “Parasites”, yes, but it ALSO stands for “Power Pigs”, AND “Politicians”!  It stands for ALL of those good and noble things!  So let’s not fight over petty things…  These things are all pretty much the same things, anyway!

Now in our new-found, groovily free days…  Free from having to do ANYTHING except merely, simply, to obey GAWD…  We can merely, freely resign, and say, “GAWD giveth, and GAWD taketh away…  Oh, Boy, does He EVER taketh away…  Blessed Be the Name of GAWD!”  And in exchange for our every paycheck and our previously-cherished FALSE freedoms, GAWD will take care of our every need!  And He will Love the poor, and Gramma, and Grandpa, better than we EVER could dream of having done!  So don’t worry, be happy!  Let GAWD be in charge!

In the bad old days, God helped those who helped themselves (especially the greedy capitalists), and people made their own charity choices as directed by God/Conscience/Love, and, of course, as we all know, as a result, EVERYBODY (except the greedy capitalists) lived a life of purest misery and starvation.  Now in the much better new days, GAWD makes our charity choices for us, and there IS no more poverty (except in foreign lands, and it is GAWD’s Will that GAWD will take them all over, too, soon, and then everything will be perfect forever and ever, Amen, Praises Be to GAWD!).  In the bad old days, under God, we all fought each other like weasels in heat, being all self-righteous and greedy, no-one knowing who was in charge, and all was chaos, darkness, and badness.  In our Glorious new days, we all vote for Parasites and Politicians who will rule us, making VERY clear who will be in charge, and they, in return, protect us from the horrible criminals (the OTHER guy’s kids) who do drugs.  Then when OUR kid (or favorite niece or nephew) gets caught doing drugs, then obviously it was because he/she/it fell under the bad influences of the OTHER guy’s kids, and so, we pay tens of thousands of dollars to defend OUR GOOD KID from GAWD’s Wrath, in GAWD’s courts, by paying off lots of lawyers.  If GAWD has left us enough money to do that with, at least.  And then there’s GAWD’s Wrath inherent in taxes, which we all believe should be exacted upon “the rich”, which, of course, is everyone who makes more money than we do.  GAWD’s Wrath (taxes, fines, and jails), it sure seems, are a VERY good thing for YOU, but a BAD thing for ME!  But the best part is, in these progressive new days, we NEVER fight like weasels in heat anymore, because we ALL know exactly how much of GAWD’s Love and/or Wrath we deserve, because GAWD knows exactly how much money we make, and we are all free to read GAWD’s rules and laws, all 6.66 x 10666 pages of them, and know EXACLTY how much Wrath we deserve, for what!  Praises Be, thank You GAWD, our positions in the Pyramid Scheme is now fixed and clear for all to see, and there will be Peace Everlasting!

Parenthetical brain-teaser intermission here, can you “square up” the “Side A” and “Side B” terms here? Side A numbers are, 1) 1.53 X 102 (the plain simple unit-less integer), 2) 6.02 x 1023 California fruits, and 3) 6.66 x 10666 pages of GAWD’s rules and laws; v/s 1) Armageddon’s Number, 2) Armstrong’s Number, and 3) Avocado’s Number? … … …  Pencils down!  Answer is, “whatever”!

 All right, thanks for sticking with me through all the lessons of history and theology.  We are now finally well-prepared to deal with matters of medicine for humans as provided by GAWD, and how Scienfoology (FDA-worshipping Diocese) can provide non-medical (religious-liberty-based) care for your health care needs, WITHOUT violating the Sacred Power-Pyramid-Worshipping ways that have been blessed by GAWD Himself!  Now here is a diagram of the state of affairs before the advent of Scienfoology:

 

 

 

 

 

Once again, let me apologize for the busyness and the less-than-totally-clear diagram above.  Let me highlight just a few things, though:  PLEASE keep in mind (going WAY back to our earliest diagrams) that the lowest levels of the pyramid are raw resources, to be exploited…  Raped, pillaged, and plundered, even…  At will!  At the Will of the higher & therefore superior layers of the pyramid.  Just as the carrots mercilessly exploit the infinite mindless mud and dirt, and the bunny waaabbits annihilate the endless carrots without any apologies whatsoever, and the wolves ruthlessly devour the bunny waaabbits  This IS God’s plan, after all…  Then so, too, shall Medicare, Medicaid, and insurance company beneficiaries ruthlessly exploit the mindless, infinite mud of the selfishly greedy, inanimately stupid taxpayers and insurance companies.  These, too, are just raw, naked resources to be harvested!  This is GAWD’s Plan!

Now, my dear fellow children of GAWD, I have been so inspired by discussing GAWD’s Love for us all, that I must briefly interrupt our lessons in history and theology to lead you all in a brief Song of Praise, won’t you join me now.  Please, all must hold hands.  All must praise GAWD!

 

Government loves me, This I know,

For the Government tells me so,

Little ones to GAWD belong,

We are weak, but GAWD is strong!

Yes, Guv-Mint loves me!

Yes, Guv-Mint loves me!

Yes, Guv-Mint loves me!

My Nannies tell me so!

 

GAWD does love me, yes indeed,

Keeps me safe, and gives me feed,

Shelters me from bad drugs and weed,

And gives me all that I might need!

Yes, Guv-Mint loves me!

Yes, Guv-Mint loves me!

Yes, Guv-Mint loves me!

My Nannies tell me so!

 

DEA, CIA, KGB,

Our protectors, they will be,

FBI, TSA, and FDA,

With us, astride us, in every way!

Yes, Guv-Mint loves me!

Yes, Guv-Mint loves me!

Yes, Guv-Mint loves me!

My Nannies tell me so!

 

Thank you, children, that was very nice!  Now back to our lessons of history and theology.  But always remember, GAWD loves us all!  Except for the terrorists, the criminals (law-breaking scum who blow on a flute, for instance, without a Doctor’s permission), and the illegal humans, that is, but that’s another story.  Moving along…

 

Having Your GAWD-Given Cake, and Eating It, Too - 

Now finally THIS is where the True Genius of Scienfoology (FDA Worshipping Diocese) finally springs forth in all its Full and Wonderful Glory:  We Scienfoologists are not wanting of a modicum of mercy, even for the unjust.  So we feel just a wee tad of mercy for the unjustly vainglorious fools who want to work for themselves, and buy medical care for themselves, who are burdened by extra costs in this scheme of medical care.  AND we even feel troubled by the conflicting stop/go signals, whereby GAWD simultaneously facilitates our access to medical care through helping us (quite justifiably, of course) exploit the mindless mud and slime & infinite resources of the taxpayers & insurance companies, while ALSO hindering our access through rules & regulations!  So we BRILLIANTLY creative Scienfoologists have come up with the below-diagrammed, twin-headed solution:

 

 

 

 

I suspect that a few examples of the above scheme of things might be in order:  Take toothbrushes for example.  Today, they cost maybe only $1 or $2 each, and so the economy is NOT stimulated by device-manufacturers being able to charge like $45 each for them.  And, far worse, here we have an example of a bodily-intrusive, NON-PRESCRIPTION, dangerous device, which, in the hands of unskilled and untrained, incompetent child-like simpletons like you and me, can (potentially) damage your/my teeth and gums!  I sure wish some journalist somewhere…  I nominate Michael Moore…  Could trot out some data about just HOW many thousands of us, daily, injure ourselves through incompetent use of toothbrushes!  So then, toothbrushes and toothpaste should become by prescription only, to protect us all.  The Doctor’s and the Dentist’s pens, as we all know, have magic in them, such that when they write prescriptions, all of the dangers and scary ouchies of the bad drugs and devices become GOOD and beneficial snuggle toys! 

So this is a win-win-win-win-win kind of change, here.  The Doctors and Dentists get more office visits.  The device manufacturers get to multiply their earnings by HUGE margins, and that money then goes on to stimulate the economy.  And our Nannies (such as the FDA, which art in SHAMM, which art Blessed by GAWD) gain even more Power and Glory, Forever and Ever, Amen!  Last but not least, us consumers (those of us who are blessed by insurance companies or by GAWD’s direct coverage, at least) acquire toothbrushes and toothpaste for FREE, because, being prescribed, they MUST be covered!  What is there NOT to just flat-out LOVE about this whole scheme of thing?

Well, for one…  At least until such time as GAWD implements Heaven on Earth by taking over all of health care…  And until such time as GAWD revokes the religious freedoms of those Americans, who, like, for example, the Old Order Amish and Mennonites who, for religious reasons, object to the whole ideas of forced collectivism or even of insurance in the first place…  We will have private buyers, who pay out of their own pockets.  We Scienfoologists frown a bit at the backwardness of those who still worship God instead of GAWD, but, well, hey, we are at least tolerant enough to sympathize, still, with ideas of religious freedoms.  Especially since, in our early days, here, while we still have less than tens of millions of followers, we Scienfoologists will have to depend on religious freedoms to fend off the challenges of doctors, lawyers, dentists, judges, nannies, jailers, policemen, therapists, and so forth.  Yes, it is a sad thing to contemplate, but the religious freedoms of Scienfoologists will probably be challenged, even by our fellow servants of GAWD.

Then there are ALSO those of us, probably FAR more numerous than Old Order Amish and Mennonites, who DO have insurance coverage, BUT we simply don’t have the TIME to visit a Dentist, every time we need a prescription for a toothbrush.  Even IF the toothbrushes are then “for free”.  We fear we’ll lose our JOBS if we have to get a prescription for every little trivial thing we might need…  Spending hours and hours in Doctors’ & Dentists’ offices instead of working.

So there’s your little conundrum.  HOW do we keep EVERYONE happy here?  Allow some of us to endlessly milk the infinite resources of the taxpayers and of the insurance companies, while ALSO allowing others of us, easy and cheap access to health care products?  Here’s where the True Brilliance of Scienfoological Genius comes shining through:  We allow, simultaneously with prescription (free) toothbrushes for some, others to get NON-prescription, non-medical-use-only, affordable NON-toothbrushes!  These can either be ‘A) (Preferred by True Scienfoologists)  Religious-ritual-use-only, “tooth-brush-like” devices, for use ONLY on our religious effigies, explicitly sold for use by the community of Scienfoology, or ‘B) (Less preferable, but perhaps unavoidable as a temporary strategy until Scienfoology gains more popularity), the use of “tooth-brush-like” devices ostensibly bought for other purposes, to be used on our effigies. 

Yes, in Scienfoology, it ***IS*** a ham (AKA sin; initially at least, a minor one) to be slightly ashamed of being a Scienfoologist.  The day is doubtlessly rapidly approaching, when GAWD (in His Wisdom, as implemented by the FDA) will require prescriptions for toothbrushes.  When that day comes, the strongest and bravest of us Scienfoologists will simply step forward, and demand that our religious freedoms to buy non-prescription, non-medical (ritual) brushes, be respected.  Even brushes that are outwardly identical to prescription toothbrushes, for use on humans.  Those of us who are at least slightly cowardly and sinful, will slink around, and shop at, say, manufacturers of artists’ brushes, or shoe-cleaning brushes, or dinosaur-bone-cleaning brushes, and buy suitable, affordable (non-medical, non-prescription) brushes, for use on our effigies.  We might hide our true intentions from the manufacturers.  We will NOT, EVER, use these brushes on our own teeth, since this would be a crime (abhorrent to GAWD), as well as the grave sin of HAM in the eyes of the Church of Scienfoology.

At this point, the historical context and the origins of the Church of Scienfoologists Questing for Religious Liberties, Sincerely, should be clear, and so it’s time to branch off to various different Scienfoological concepts.  But some of the below, DOES flow, linearly, from the above.  Just FYI…

Well OK, one last historical note:  Scienfoology ALSO owes a tremendous debt of gratitude, historical-roots wise, to a VERY fart smeller, I mean smart feller, a US Senator (Russell Billiu Long, 1918 – 1987), who once said, "Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow behind the tree!”  It was upon pondering his Deep Words of Wisdom, that I concluded, that yes, just as there’s a practically infinite pool of mud and dirt out there in which we can grow carrots, for the benefits of all, at the (significant) price to no one, so, too, can we all draw benefits from “that other guy”.  And live fat, dumb, and happy, for all the rest of eternity.  Or at the very least, until our grandchildren have to pay the money back to the Chinese.  But that’s well past a few months (even years?) from now, so, I say, Party ON, Dudes!!!  Being concerned about anything past a few weeks from now!?!?  Come ON, now, Dudes, what’s with THAT?!!??!  Come ON, now, we must ALL trust in GAWD, and GAWD, AKA Government Almighty, says, “don’t worry, be happy, party on, the morrow will take care of itself, as long as you keep on voting for Me”.

 

MINIMAL HISTORICAL BACKGROUND NOTES ABOUT THE SQRLSy ONE (The main Author here) – I prize my anonymity – I need to keep my day job, and be able to get a new one if need be, for a little while still!  Plus, I must confess, I, too, sin a little wee tad now and then – Along the lines of which, I must confess, I am not sure that I truly, fully trust GAWD enough, that GAWD loves me enough to give me & me web site full freedom to operate!  So yes, I am hoping that anonymity will protect me from GAWD’s wrath, until such time as we Scienfoologists have enough voters and enough bribes, ooops, I mean, campaign contributions, to win elections and / or buy some judges, ooops, I mean, buy enough justice (lawyers).   To be able to continue to operate this web site, at the very least!  So no, full details are not forth-coming at this time.

But I will give you this much background:  I was brought up in the Landover Baptist Church, see www.landoverbaptist.org .  Now I had THOUGHT that my old church, here, had proper notions of the “pyramid scheme” of things, whereby only those of us at the very-very-very tip of the pyramid can REALLY be Truly Righteous.  You know, the Obvious Truth that Righteousness is some sort of zero-sum game, whereby we, ourselves, can only really-truly be Righteous when just about everyone else is un-righteous.  Certainly less righteous than ME, for example.  So the less righteous you are, or the less righteous you can be made to look, at least, then, the More Righteous that I Am.  And yes, for many years, I was content with how well (but still imperfectly) the Landover Church leaders saw these obvious and indisputable facts.

 

All Must Be Killed  - 

And then one day the I was treading my Bible, and I strung a few verses together, and I, as a Biblical Literalist and as a Landover follower, finally saw the Whole Truth, as has been hiding, secretly encoded, in the Bible, for all these many-many years!  SOME people have gotten clues, over the centuries, but I was the first to truly decode the True, full, literal meaning!  And here it is:  God, through the Bible, commands us to KILL EVERYONE!  Yes, it is true!  Follow me through, here: 

No one is righteous, not a one (Romans 3:10).  Therefore, everyone must have done at least one thing bad, since they’d be righteous, had they never done anything bad.  Well, maybe they haven’t actually DONE anything bad, maybe they THOUGHT something bad (Matt. 5:28, thoughts can be sins).  In any case, they must’ve broken some commandment, in thinking or acting, then, or else they WOULD be righteous.  Then James 2:10 tells us that if one has broken ANY commandment, one has broken them ALL.  Now we can’t weasel out of this by saying that the New Testament has replaced the Old Testament, because Christ said that he’s come to fulfill the old law, not to destroy it (Matt. 5:17).  So inexorably, we must draw the conclusion that all are guilty of everything.  And the Old Testament lists many, many capital offenses!  There’s working on Sunday.  There’s also making sacrifices to, or worshipping, the wrong God (Exodus 22:20, Deut. 17:2-5), or even showing contempt for the Lord’s priests or judges (Deut. 17:12).  All are guilty of everything, including the capital offenses.  OK, so now we’re finally there...  God’s Word COMMANDS us such that we’ve got to kill EVERYBODY!!! 

          I explained this all to the Learned and God-Fearing Elders of the Landover Baptist Church, and they didn’t acknowledge God’s Wisdom, in this case.  So I left their Church, because I was afraid for my mortal soul, that their un-righteousness might contaminate me.  And then I came to doubt God’s love for me, because those verses (see above) did NOT carve out a specific exemption for (the quite obviously righteous) ME!  And so then I realized that the modern ways of worshipping GAWD rather than God, makes a LOT of sense, since we all, already, know that GAWD, unlike God, Loves us (except for the illegal humans, but let’s now talk about that).  And so, through my love for GAWD, and the FDA, I have founded the Church of Scienfoology Questing for Religious Liberty, Sincerely (FDA-Worshipping Diocese).

 

SIDE NOTE ON FUTURE BRANCHES OF THE CHURCH OF SCIENFOOLOGY   As implied by the phrase “FDA-Worshipping Diocese”, yes, my visions for this web site, and for this particular branch of the Church, here…  I am just one High Priest / Priestess, after all…  Are limited in scope.  GAWD (Government Almighty’s Wrath Delivers!) and SHAMM (Statist’s Heaven Above Mere Mortals, in Washington, D.C.) are limitless and ever-lasting, and I am just one (albeit leading-and-bleeding-edge) worshipper.  So I am hoping to persuade other worshippers to set up other web sites, and start other branches of the Church of Scienfoology.  There is just SO MUCH of GAWD and of SHAMM out there and up there, we’d ALL better get started doing some more worshipping!  Here, in brief, are just a few suggestions, on where others could pitch in, and help get us started:

 

The Church of Scienfoology, DEADD Diocese – (Devout, Ecstatic  Adorers of the Department of Defense).  This is one of the Church of Scienfoology’s first and foremost needs for expansion, won’t someone please volunteer to set up another web site?  I am SOOO fired up, wanting to get all broad-mindedly inter-ecumenical with my fellow Scienfoologists!  And one of the reasons why is, there are some joint projects, where-in my diocese and your diocese could work together, on joint projects.  For instance…  It is one of my BIG worries that the FDA (Praised Be Their Name!) does, yes indeed, protect AMERICANS from the horrors of un-prescribed uses of terrifyingly powerful and dangerous medical devices like earpoppers and lung flutes, but it (horrors!) does ABSOLUTLEY NOTHING to protect innocent, deserving foreigners from incompetent, medical self-malpractice and self-mutilation by those foreigners who might medically molest themselves, in an un-authorized manner!  So…  I have written and posted here (and plan to write more) sample emails whereby my fellow FDA-worshipping Scienfoologists can write adoring and worshipful emails to the FDA.  In an ecumenical Spirit, I provide the below sample email that can be written to one of our GAWDly Servants Who Do Dwell in SHAMM…  Sad to say, I don’t have an email address.  Maybe the POTUS (Emperor Obama) might do.  He IS, after all, the Warrior In Charge, Commander Megamander in Chief.  Sad to say, I suspect that He is too busy to read hardly ANY of our emails.  So future web-site owner and Fellow Scienfoologist, please figure that out for us and post this sample email to your web site:

 

          (Fill in email address here)

          Dear GAWDly Holy Warriors,

 

          It has come to my attention that http://www.medicalacoustics.com is selling “lung flutes”, only after having gotten approval from the FDA (Praised Be Their Holy Name).  AND that users must get a prescription first.  I for one am SO glad that the FDA is protecting us all from self-inflicted medical malpractice madness.  Without the FDA, who knows what chaos and badness might haunt these hallowed halls and hills?  Mothers and fathers abandoning their children, all while hopelessly addicted to endless huffing and puffing on non-prescribed flutes, THAT’S what!  I shudder to think too much of it; such utter horrors!

          Then there’s the “earpopper”.  See http://www.earpopper.com/earpopper/get_us.htm and then http://www.earpopper.com/contact/distributors.htm (oops, those links may be stale, see http://www.anactivelife.com/documents/DOC_Requires_a_doctor_Rx.pdf?osCsid=62c68f3f154bc27015f198f3caa96531 ) and one can see a simple little battery-powered device that pumps air pressure up one’s nose to help one get fresh air into the Eustachian tubes.  This is the equivalent of me pinching my nose and blowing on it to pop my eardrums, but who knows WHAT kind of horrors might afflict me if I did THAT without a Doctor’s permission?  Thank GAWD, the FDA (Peace Be Upon Them) has protected us all, as Good Americans, from such horrors!

          But now it has ALSO come to my attention that in barbaric foreign lands, such as Canada and the European Union (in the case of the lung flute), non-medically-trained barbarians are permitted to wantonly and willfully self-medicate themselves with these powerful, high-tech, dangerous devices, without ANY benefit of medical supervision!  This is madness, shear madness, comparable to Hitler’s cruel medical experiments on helpless Jews and other innocent victims!  ALL decent and civilized life-forms, Inter-Galactic-Cluster-wide, SCREAM for this injustice to STOP!

          And then, the same thing applies to the dread “earpopper”, whereby medically ignorant savages are free to mutilate themselves, sans medically and morally superior nannies to supervise them, in  Australia, Canada, France, Germany, Hong Kong, Israel, New Zealand, Poland, Saudia Arabia, South Africa, Spain, Sweden, Turkey, United Arab Emirates, United Kingdom, and Denmark…  All openly listed, blatantly, shamelessly, and flagrantly, by the web site!  Presumably even such supposedly “caring” and “compassionate” socialized nations as North Korea will ALSO allow the un-prescribed use of such frightful devices!

          Yes, by all means, I say, try diplomacy first.  Certainly, give peace a chance, yes…  I am surely no wanton war-monger.  But only for so long…  If the barbarians will not see compassion and reason, very soon, We Who Hold Western Civilized Values Dear to Our Hearts, will have NO choice, but to commence a full-scale military invasion of Canada, Europe, & all the other barbarians!  Freedom from medical self-malpractice and self-mutilation must prevail!

          So PLEASE, Compassionate Servants of GAWD, won’t you PLEASE bomb ALL of these savages in submission?  Until such medical savagery is halted?  Freedom is entirely too dear and precious to be reserved for Americans only!  Only force and violence will suffice in these dark days, sad to say…  So PLEASE, BOMBS AWAY!!!

         

Yours Truly, More Compassionate Than the lowly appeaser-scums

          OK, so there you have ONE sample of another desperately-needed, additional diocese of the Church of Scienfoology…  AND a sample email!

 

          Also we need the Church of Scienfoology, DEAATH Diocese – This would stand for Drug Enforcement Agents Are Totally Hot!  We have all seen and admired all of those (VERY sexy) “cop shows” whereby we can fantasize where we, too, could be the agents of GAWD and of SHAMM, and visit GAWD’s Mercies on the women and children, and make them scream and squeal with delight, as the Agents (maybe ME some sunny day?) bash down their doors and cart them and/or their boyfriends/husbands/fathers away, into GAWD’s merciful night and fog.  Oh, to have the POWER to bring GAWD’s mercies down to the masses of the mere mortals!  Isn’t the Holy Drug War just WONDERFUL?!?!?!  Praised Be the Name of the DEA!  What more can I say, Praises to whoever resides at the top of the Pyramid!  Won’t someone PLEASE set up the DEAATH Diocese of Scienfoology website?  (Sorry, no sample of a worship-full email yet; send me one at SQRLSy_1@ChurchofSQRLS.com; maybe I will post it).

          Speaking of the DEA and how GAWD loves us, and all, let me add this, though:  For years and years, nay-sayers and slanderers have been saying bad things about GAWD and the DEA, about how the DEA wants to harm and maybe even kill pot-smokers by adding paraquat herbicides to their weed.  But now, it turns out that the DEA, in its humble, loving modesty, has been hiding from us, what it probably knew all along, to be true, which is that paraquat is GOOD for you, it makes you live longer!  Certainly at the very least, if you are worm, that is…  See http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/12/101220084442.htm ...  So I think that it’s because of the fact that GAWD and the DEA loves us soooo very much, that they’ve been adding paraquat to our weed!  And yes, they DO think that we’re all just a bunch of worms, which those of us who aren’t government employees at least, most certainly are, as mere mortals, compared to those who dwell in SHAMM On High, so close to GAWD.

          (For science eggheads who are interested in possible mechanisms of what’s perhaps going on here, please see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Radiation_hormesis , and keep in mind that “hormesis” might apply to poisons as well as radiation).  Also see http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2477708/ .

 

          And now, off to assorted topics like PLACEBO POWER for example.  When founding a religion, one must find a very carefully balanced mid-point between rationality and irrationality.  I, as founder of Scienfoology, have carefully studied Scientology, how it was founded, and how the IRS eventually blessed it as being a “real” religion.  It is rational enough (from what I have read) to harass and intimidate those in power, bullying them essentially, into recognizing them as a “real” religion.  For example, I’ve read that they sent Scientology spies to follow, and gather dirt on, IRS agents.  And Scientology lawyers, well, they are legion!  So, playing the power game…  THAT is quite “rational” in today’s society, and Scientology knows, and plays by, the rules (as best as they can be made to work for Scientology at least) quite well.

          Furthermore, Scientology ALSO tries to play “rational” by their very NAME (which obviously makes them look “scientific”) and by an endless parade of “technical” jargon.  In a society in which GAWD has mercifully protected us from all sorts of incompetent, dangerous, unlicensed people and things…  Unlicensed interior decorators, unlicensed hair-cutters, unlicensed dancers, unlicensed taxi drivers, unlicensed paper-work-filler-outers (lawyers), unlicensed flutes, unlicensed air-blowers, unlicensed pesticide-sprayers, unlicensed light-bulb-changers, unlicensed beer sellers, unlicensed sandwich makers, unlicensed butt-scratchers, and who knows what else…  Unlicensed CASKET sellers even, can you imagine, Oh My GAWD, a badly built casket might KILL the cadaver!!!  SURELY, we say to ourselves, SURELY it must be that GAWD Himself who is protecting us from anyone who would trot out an Encyclopedia Britannica’s worth of VERY impressive, highly educated, scientific-sounding technical terms, and proceed to deceive us!  SURELY, in times of an endless parade of LICENSED, DEGREED, CREDENTIALED, and BOARD-CERTIFIED experts of expertological expertologists, SURELY then GAWD HIMSELF is protecting us from ANY AND ALL charlatans!  Certainly, from those who use very impressive-sounding technical terms!?  Ergo:  Those who trot out a bunch of technical-sounding terms, MUST be “the real thing”.  Government Almighty is to be trusted with protecting us from any and all charlatans who might (falsely) use lots of technical terms, because all that sort of “stuff and stuff” is highly regulated, as we ALL know!  After all, Government Almighty LOVES US ALL!

          Well, let me say this much:  We as Scienfoologists know which way the wind blows, we know which side our bread is buttered on, and we know the nature of GAWD.  And we know that GAWD Himself has Blessed Scientology.  So we play by GAWD’s rules.  (Kiss-kiss-kiss, smooch-smooch-smooch, won’t you the IRS PLEASE give us Scienfoologists a tax exemption, TOOOO?   No, we won’t send spies and agents to spy on your top leaders, BUT, we are SOOOO CUTE!   Just LOOK into our hypnotically cute puddly-tat eyes!  Did you know that all of the CUTE cats at http://icanhascheezburger.com are, yes, Scienfoologists?).    So what I am saying is, we as Scienfoologists are VERY tolerant and broad-minded, and we would NEVER say anything BAD about religious freedom for the likes of Scientology, or the Taliban, or the Aryan Church of Racist Bu#&%^&#it, or anyone else.  We, too, want to tap into the Magical Power of Religious Freedom!  So yes, OF COURSE we think highly of the Church of Scientology, and their Religious Freedoms!

          So, rationality v/s irrationality…  And religious freedom.  It MUCH behooves a new religion (if it wants to be recognized by the IRS, smooch-smooch-smooch) to tread a fine line here.  But you don’t want to be TOO rational.  Please NOTICE that the Church of Scientology has never subjected it’s “e-meters” and “engrams” to double-blind, scientifically/academically supervised studies of ANY kind.  If it did so, the FDA (Blessed Be Their Holy Name) would be micro-managing them all day, every day.  And their followers could no longer “donate” thousands of dollars for “training courses” and get full tax exemptions, in the name of religious freedom, any longer.  You MUST decide (said GAWD Himself), are you a RELIGION, or are you a SCIENCE…  You can NOT be both.  GAWD has spoken!  Scienfoology treads into the well-trod footsteps of Scientology, here, and declares Itself to be a RELIGION.

          So we Scienfoologists are Religious folks, ultimately, NOT scientific folks.  Please always remember that!  Else we will be subjected to double-blind scientific methods, and GAWD won’t cut us any breaks, and we’ll need the consent of expertological expertologists (blessed by the free-trade provisions of the Interstate Commerce Clause, Thank You GAWD, May I Have Another?) in order to blow our noses.  (Don’t forget the interstate commerce in handkerchiefs, now).   No, we are RELIGIOUS folks, period!!!

          BUT, we MUST assume a veneer of rationality!  Else, we will make GAWD look a wee tad, well, um, SILLY, when GAWD approves us as a religion!  So at the very least, the trappings of respectable rationality are essential for us to gain “traction” with the public, and with GAWD.  We HAVE learned our lessons from Scientology, yes, we have!

          So finally, we get to PLACEBO POWER as the one strong strand of rationality that Scienfoology lays claim to, to make it a “respectable” religion.  See, we don’t just invent a “Magic Oooga-Boooga power”, or the ability to turn water into wine, or to turn wine into blood, or anything TOTALLY irrational like that.  We know darned well that it took totally-irrational Christianity about 312 years to get respectable, and we just don’t have that much patience.  312 years of waiting for hours and hours to see the Dentist, to get our prescriptions for toothbrushes, sounds like too much for us, because a lot of us Scienfoologists have to hold jobs and pay the bills.  We DEMAND our religious freedoms REALLY SOON!

          The strand of rationality that we lay claim to, is placebo power.  If placebos are twice as effective as nothing, even WHEN the placebo-takers are flat-out TOLD that they are taking nothing but a placebo, that they are benefitting from nothing but medical ritual…  Would you believe such a thing?  Yes, it is true, see    http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/12/101222173033.htm .  Then it is NOT entirely irrational for us to suppose that placebos administered (with sufficient belief in the medical or quasi-medical ritual) to an EFFIGY of ourselves, should work as well!  So…  Religious effigies as a method of religion-based healing…  THAT is what we Scienfoologists are all about!

          But we as True and Devout Scienfoologists must ALWAYS remember that we are ultimately a RELIGION and not a SCIENCE, if we are to lay claim to the much-esteemed-by-GAWD-Himself, Sacred Entity of “Religious Freedom”.  Double-blind scientific studies will cause this Mysterious and Powerful Entity (Magic) to evaporate, and that’s the LAST thing we Scienfoologists want!  Do NOT allow the unbelieving scientists to spy on our rituals!!!

 

GAWD is the Boss of God

          If you doubt what I say about GAWD Himself having the Utmost Respect for Religious Freedoms, just think about Native Americans and peyote, Old-Order Amish and Mennonites and Social Security, and Muslim women being allowed to hide their faces in high-crime areas (when it is NOT Halloween), when the rest of us wouldn’t be allowed to do such things, and on and on.  The courtroom tyrants known as “judges” who will grudgingly allow a Jew to wear his skullcap, or the Sikh to wear his turban, in the name of Religious Freedom, in the courtroom, but would slam you or me into jail if we insisted that we belong to the Bubba Religion, whose followers MUST wear backwards baseball caps, ALWAYS.  Despite what the US Constitution says, American government officials, day in and day out, decide whose religions are “real” and worthy of respect…  And who is to be laughed at!  GAWD respects your Religious Freedom, whenever GAWD decides that it make Him Look Good; no more and no less.  GAWD giveth and GAWD taketh away, blessed be the Name of GAWD.  And now, GAWD, will you give us Scienfoologists and our effigy-based, faith-healing ways, FULL faith-healing Religious Freedoms?  As you can see, it is GAWD who decides whose beliefs in God are “sincerely held”, and whose are not.  I have never seen God deciding whose beliefs in GAWD, are valid, and whose are not.  Ergo hop black-helicopter hop, bunny hop, we MUST conclude the Scienfoological thought is right on the money, and we should all continue our march towards ALL OF US believing in GAWD rather than God!  GAWD trumps God, and NOT vice versa!

          Then there’s the ACLU, which is defending a young lady who belongs to the “Church of Body Modification”, see  http://abclocal.go.com/wtvd/story?section=news/local&id=7707846 , from the Wrath of a GAWD who wants to exclude her from the public school that her parents doubtlessly were forced to pay taxes too, because she believes that tattoos and body piercings are a channel to the Devine.  Now if the ACLU is going to defend her, SURELY it will defend us and our Church of Scienfoology, yes?  Body piercings, I suspect, are a LOT more dangerous than using somewhat-sorta-medical-like devices and pills on our religious, ritual effigies, yes?  Then WHAT rational bias would ANYONE have, against the Church of Scienfoology, being given our religious freedoms?

          As further evidence that GAWD is the boss of God, I offer you this : http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/metropolitan/7630537.html .  Here you can see that veterans at a VA cemetery are forbidden to mention “God”, to funeral-goers.  If you research this case, you’ll find that the VA bosses mealy-mouth the whole thing, saying that you can talk about “God” to the funeral-goers, if you get their permission ahead of time.  But then you are forbidden to ask them for such permission (if you’re part of a volunteer honor guard).    As usual, the Church of Scienfoology has BRILLIANT “technology” for such honor guards:  They need to talk about “GAWD”, not about “God”, and most people will never notice the difference!  And when challenged by GAWD’s Holy Servants, they need simply explain that they were Worshipping (as so many of us do!) Government Almighty, and using the G-A-W-D acronym!

          Still not convinced that Government Almighty is the boss of God?  And of Nature’s God?  Well, Government Almighty is now empowering itself to shoot one sub-species of owl to preserve another, over-riding Nature’s Laws of the survival of the fittest and most adaptable, even if it costs tens of thousands of jobs, and $127 million over 30 years…  GAWD knows best, God/Nature is stupid, GAWD will decide, not Nature… all you tree-huggers, see http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424053111903554904576458421294580328.html .

          And now, Dear Scienfoology Worshippers, in all of your billions and billions, thankyouverimuuuch  I must briefly digress into matters concerning the evolution of language.  As you can see, the old God can very easily be replaced by GAWD, in spoken language, and no one might ever notice. Especially if you talk fast, or drunken, or Southern Drawl.  Language evolves.  Deal with it!  Take, for instance, such a common, tiny little thing, such as, in the old days, they said, “Hi, how are you?”  No, I’m not going to talk about “Whaaaazzzuuupppp!?!?”, or “How’s it hangin’, Bro?!?!”, or other vile, utterly heathen and uncouth derivations of such greetings; I’ll stick to more civilized, sophisticated, learned matters.    “How are you?” became shorthand.  Then, if we are to believe Hollywood movies, Native Americans shortened it yet further to “How” (with solemn hand in the air, with feathered headdress, on horseback).  And Queen Bees, when greeting another Eminent Emissary Queen Bee, in Stately Matters of Hive Relations, would say, “Hive you been?”    OK, now I must be honest…  I have upon occasion been accused of being “… entirely too silly for (her/his) own good”, I do confess…  BUT, I just MUST add, this is NOT “silly”, this is what scientists and Scienfoologists have, yea verily, decoded out of the famous bee “waggle dance”.  There is NO truth to the REAL silliness, which says that the “waggle dance” of the bees should be roughly interpreted as “talk with the butt”!

          Well anyway, to finally, totally and unequivocally demonstrate the evolution of language, I must point out the TRUE, final flowering of the language, which came about in the famous Sixties, was when the Flower Children turned the hackneyed old greeting into, “How high have you been?”  Case closed!    

 

OBJECTIONS AGAINST THE DOCTRINES OF THE CHURCH OF SCIENFOOLOGY – Yes, I know that there are going to be these kinds of things.  I foresee at least 3 of these.  One of these is quite easily, logically, and VERY maturely dismissed.  That is, that Scienfoology is “not Biblical”.  To that, I say, your God of your Bible COMMANDS us to kill EVERYONE, and so I say, that’s ridiculous (especially because this command excluded ME), and God is obviously politically incorrect, “neener-neener-neener, Nanny-nanny-noo-nah”, and “Go away”, and “your mother was a hamstress, and your father smelt of dingleberries”.  So there!!!

          Then objection number two is something along these lines:  If Scienfoology worships the Pyramid, and Those Who Dwell In Its Uppermost Reaches, and in the propriety of keeping everyone duty-bound and restricted to their Proper Station in the Pyramid Scheme (not getting “uppity”), then is it not true that adding religious effigies to the equation will, um, upset the applecart a bit?  And allow Scienfoologists to evade their proper station in life?  To “get uppity”, and bypass the Wrath of GAWD?

          Well, my response to that particular question is multi-facetted and complex.  First off, we Scienfoologists DO resolve to “keep the effigies in their place”.  For instance, we have a doctrine, “effigies are to be seen, and not heard”.  When we ask ourselves, is the magic placebo power of administering medical-like rituals, to our effigies, working, or not, we ask OURSELVES, and not the EFFIGIES, whether it is working, or not.  It is a GRAVE Scienfoological SIN to ask the effigies ANYTHING, since they are “to be seen, and not heard”.  (Besides that, outsiders or GAWD’s Regulators who see us talking to our effigies, might think we’re CRAZY or something, we don’t want THAT!  Religious freedoms can only go so far…).  So anyway, keeping everyone in their proper station in the Pyramid Scheme of things, IS preserved, in Scienfoology, as you can see.

          Now also, my response must include a wee tad of a HISTORY LESSON IN POLITICS again… Specifically in matters of the politics of status, class, race, sex, and so forth, to fully make sense.  The gist of it is, there have been HUGE changes, in time, regarding just exactly WHO comprises exactly which layer of the Pyramid.  But, the Sacred Principles of The Pyramid Scheme (everyone must guard against getting “uppity”, everyone must bow down before the uppermost layers) can all remain sacrosanct, through all of the chaos and troubles of re-arrangement!  Blessed Be GAWD and His Pyramid Schemes!!!

So…  Sorry, no more pyramid drawings, they’d get too complex, and besides, I’m sick and tired of them…  In the old days of the USA, GAWD and SHAMM ruled at the very peak, yes, but GAWD made at least a wee tad of room for God…  But we’re not focusing on that right now.  One of the closest-to-the-top layers was the male, white landowners, and then, under them, was the common-scum white man.  Then under that, came a HUGE mass of writhing, screaming, fighting sub-humanoids, ALL fighting to be the BEST friends, servants, slaves, and side-kicks of the Blessed Ones, the White Guys.  See http://www.mixedracestudies.org/wordpress/?p=1146   and http://www.mixedfolks.com/names.htm  for example, concerning where I get some of these terms.  The mulattoes fought the metisses, the women fought the octoroons, the injuns fought the quadroons, the quintroons battled the creoles, and it was all, like, blacks against griffes, zambos against whambos, sambos against hapas, and mamas against hapas, and hexadecaroons against afropinos, and dotriacontaroons against mestizos, and tetrahexacontaroons against octaicosahectaroons, and blacknamese against blasians against blatinos against blaxicans, and hexapentacontadictaroons against hexavalentplutoniochromiumpentachlorides, and dodecapentactaroons against tetraicosakiliaroons against balloons, and octatetracontadiliaroons against spittoons, and hexanonacontatetraliaroons against dinonacontahectaoctaliaroons.  And everyone had a whoopin’ and whompin’ Good Time, in the Battle of All Against All, all for the favors of the White Guy-Dude Landowner Fella-Type Dude-Sir!

Now in our new and more enlightened days…  We Scienfoologists do actually sincerely agree with the politically correct folks, the new days are FAR better than the old days…  If nothing else, we now all, at least, know our places far more firmly, on the Pyramid Scheme of Things & Stuff…  We have GAWD and SHAMM and a HUGE mass of government employees (The White Male Landowners of today) astride the top of the pyramid.  Then instead of having a yet even MORE huge mass of strugglers and strivers fighting over sex and skin color and ethnic heritages and blood percentages and so forth, all for the favors of White Guys, today we have a HUGE mass of those-who-GAWD-giveth-to, and of those-from-who-GAWD-taketh-away-from, all arranged, tagged, categoried, inspected, detected, and neglected, according to precise income (or out-go) level, and Loved (or subjected to Wrath) by GAWD accordingly.  And so we fight about GAWD’s Love and Wrath through tax and welfare policies instead of skin color, which is SO much more progressive!  Best of all, though, GAWD knows the precise level, by income / outgo level, of exactly WHERE we each stand in the Pyramid Scheme, and so, GAWD knows EXACTLY how much Love we deserve!  Isn’t that just GRAND!

Oh my GAWD, children, I am SO over-come by my Love and Adulation for GAWD right now, we MUST take a brief Prayer Break!

 

Our GAWD, Who dwells in SHAMM,

Hallowed be Thy Name;

Thy Taxes come in,

Thy Bennies go out,

All across the land,

Powered by Thy Wrath.

Give us more bread and circuses,

More military crusades,

And more stimulus funds.

Keep us safe from earpoppers

And lung flutes.  Lead us not into

Disobedience, but shelter us through

Your Nannies.  Forgive us

When we are politically incorrect.

For Yours is the Power and the Glory

of the Pyramind Scheme, Forever and Ever,

Amen!

 

OK, children, thanks much, and now, back to our history lesson.  Or, the lesson attained from it.  What I was saying is, the CATEGORIES FOR SORTING the layers of the pyramid may shift and change over time, and that is all well and good, in Scienfoology.  So what?  After the changes in the USA, we are ALL still stacked and sorted in our stations in the Pyramid, and we all know our places.  And so, Scienfoology is NOT upsetting the apple cart, in adding to the mix, by adding some sorta-somewhat-medical-like effigies to the mix.  As long as our religious effigies don’t get “uppity”…  Fat chance of THAT, given that we all firmly hold to the Scienfoological Doctrine of, “effigies are to be seen, and not heard”…  Then, GAWD willing, all will be well, rest assured!

Oh, just a few words more about the octoroons all the way down to the dinonacontahectaoctaliaroons, and so forth, from above.  The latter was a term for a person that is 1 in 8,192, of Black blood.  Sounds pretty silly, eh?  I think its way-way good, that MOST of this silliness is now WAY behind us.  Now, the only ones of these “…oon” terms left to us for common use, any more, as I understand it, is “balloon” and “spittoon”.  “Balloon”, I believe, is a derisory term used by skinny people, regarding body-mass-challenged people, which is a still-OK thing to do (just look at chubby people and Hollyweird movies, for example).  And “spittoon”, I believe, is a laudatory term, actually, that government employees use as a term of endearment, for the rest of us, who are proximity-to-SHAMM challenged.

Now the third and final objection to the Doctrines of the Church of Scienfoology is slightly subtle, but very serious.  That is, some sunny day, possibly many years hence, there will be SO many followers of Scienfoology, who worship the FDA for example, that GAWD will have to (quite logically) conclude that, seeing as how the FDA is now WORSHIPPED, it must be a RELIGIOUS and not a GOVERNMENT entity, then, and so, obviously it would violate “separation of Church and State” to continue to collect tax money to fund the FDA (Hallowed Be Their Name). 

At first, I was tempted to just say, “So what?  We Scienfoologists are willing to TAKE that risk! We’re simply well-prepared to face that frightening prospect, on down the road.  The FDA’s Government Employees will just have to find other jobs”.  But then, I got to thinking, that would be cruel and heartless.  We Scienfoologists don’t want to get reputations for being cruel and heartless.  So I came up with some other alternatives, which, by GAWD’s Mercies, will allow the FDA workers to gain NEW jobs working for GAWD, in vitally essential NEW federal jobs!

So I hereby propose TWO new federal agencies, so as to make room for displaced Servants of GAWD, when the FDA will eventually need to be disbanded:

 

All About SMARM -ishness  - 

The SMARM agency will be the Soul Mates And Religions Ministry.  Now back off and think about things, from, say, the Woman from Planet Claire perspective.  We all have many-many decisions to be made, individually or collectively.  What to eat for breakfast, what kind of military defenses to erect against foreign would-be despots, what kind of church to attend, if any, what kind of domestic courts and laws to erect against domestic criminals, what kind of person we want to marry, what kind of roads should be built (and shall we all drive on the left, or all on the right), and, what kinds of medicines work for us.  Even to the non-Earthling, it is obvious that SOME of these must fall into the public domain.  Others, we as Earthlings have traditionally put into the individual-freedom bucket.  We don’t say, “What kind of breakfast works for me?  Hmmm…  I don’t know.  Let’s go ask democracy”.  And we don’t say, “What kind of husband (or wife, or Church, etc.) works for me?  Hmm…  Let’s go ask democracy.  Let’s put it to a vote.”  But then there’s ONE place where we have (thank GAWD!) been WAY progressive, and that is, in the matter of medicine.  We COULD have said, as barbarians did in the old days…  And in light of modern science, which points to WAY strong powers of placebos…  “Well, if this medicine works for you, it works for you”.  And not put it up for a vote.  Instead, we have wisely chosen to be more progressive and hippagroovalistic these days.  “Does this medicine work for YOU?  We don’t care WHAT you think, and we don’t even care what your doctor thinks, either.  We only care about what GAWD / Democracy / the FDA / etc. think about this.”  You may access ONLY the GAWD-approved medicines.  And so now, Thank You GAWD, we ARE protected from un-prescribed earpoppers and lung flutes, oh my!

Well, we need to get even MORE progressive, then, and go ahead and ask Democracy, “Does this wife work for me?”  …and… “Does this Religion work for me?” (The breakfast thing, we can put off till later).  That’s where SMARM comes in, then (the Soul Mates And Religions Ministry).  They, through the Grace of GAWD, will be empowered to pick our mates and religions for us, optimally.  I am QUITE sure that we can solve ALL the problems of high divorce rates, and un-wed parenting, and low Church (Mosque, Devout Atheists Congregations, etc.) attendance, if only we’d put GAWD in charge here!  And of course, the un-employed-ex-FDA-employee, problem, too, would be solved as well, which is where we started out from.  Through opening up new jobs for all of our quite-deserving public servants, of course.  Praises Be to GAWD in SHAMM On High!!!

PS-type footnote-type babblings about history:  Dr. Benjamin Rush, a signer of the Declaration of Independence, had this to say, see http://www.goodreads.com/quotes/show/44458 : "Unless we put medical freedom into the Constitution, the time will come when medicine will organize into an undercover dictatorship to restrict the art of healing to one class of Men and deny equal privileges to others; the Constitution of the Republic should make a Special privilege for medical freedoms as well as religious freedom."  (Also special thanks to Peter McWilliams for writing a book where I first read that.  For more about Peter McWilliams, see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peter_McWilliams ...  This man was killed by our Ever-Loving GAWD…  GAWD took his medicine away from him and so he died, that’s how much GAWD Loves Us All!  All Praise GAWD!).  As we Scienfoologists like to say…  We are considering anointing him as Saint Peter of the Church of Scienfoology, I would like to add…  “For GAWD so lover Peter McWilliams, that He took away his only begotten, effective medicine.” 

Now with respect to Dr. Benjamin Rush, I imagine that his fellow founding fathers must have looked at him and asked him what sort of tea leaves he’d been having read by what sort of manic-depressive, psychotic psychic…  Or perhaps, what kind of tea leaves they’d been smoking… to take such a devastatingly dim view of the coming, modern, progressive, hippagroovalistic era 250 years or so hence, where GAWD would be protecting us utterly bovinely, supinely stupid consumers from dangerous flute-blowing, without the consent of a Doctor.  You have to forgive Dr. Benji; he was just ignorant of just how utterly, desperately MUCH Our GAWD Loves us all!  More, obviously, than the founding fathers could EVER have imagined!

 

Ministers of Measuring Silliness  - 

Then the other new Federal Agency would be the Ministry of Silly Religions (MSR).  Now before y’all (believers) start spamming me with endless angry emails and postings, let me say, don’t pre-judge where I am going with this thing here.  I am ***NOT*** saying that all, or even most, religions are “silly”.  Many-many of them have done WAY significant things over the ages, to teach us to “Love our neighbors”, and there is NOTHING AT ALL silly about that, that is a WAY important thing, there!  AND, many-many individuals HAVE done important, beneficial, usually self-sacrificing things, over the years, in the name of Religion or God.  In balance, I will add that religious organizations have ALSO, obviously, done some horrible things over the ages as well.  See http://www.amazon.com/Holy-Horrors-Illustrated-History-Religious/dp/1573927783 .  And we all know some church-going SOBs who show little love for their neighbors.  SOME church-goers DO dispense some very good and noble things, though, and, since GAWD never likes to get all up-staged, GAWD usually bends over backwards, in the Name of All That is Holy (Religious Freedom).  We Scienfoloogists just want our fair share of religious freedom, that’s all.

Now what I mean about a “Ministry of Silly Religions” (MSR),  though, is that GAWD will give you your Sacred “Religious Freedoms”, usually, ONLY in proportion to how “Silly” (irrational) it is.  Today, the MSR effectively resides within the IRS.  Example:  You donate $50,000 to your Church.  In a “Quid Pro Quo” (this for that) kind of arrangement, you get $30,000 in education for your Church-schooled kid to learn reading, writing, and arithmetic.  While in Church-sponsored boarding school, kiddo ALSO gets $10,000 worth of room and board, and $5,000 in instructions about how to turn wine into blood, the theory of original sin, Heaven and Hell, etc.  And $5,000 of your voluntary donation goes off to the poor in Africa, or the GAWD-built public-housing projects in Chicago.  You get to “write off” to the IRS, only $10,000 of your $50,000…  That which went to charity, and to IRRATIONAL teachings for kiddo.  The rest, is all “Quid Pro Quo”, and is of RATIONAL benefit.  I have not yet learned, what happens if you WORSHIP the Sacred Reading, Writing, and Arithmetic, and Holy Algebra, and so forth…  I don’t honestly know HOW it is, that GAWD can sort this all out!

Along similar lines to the above, I read that in LA in recent years, a Jewish Torah school sued, saying that they, too, just like Scientology training, are at least partially irrational, so they, too, want tax breaks, just like Scientology.  OK, I finally found more details at http://www.religionnewsblog.com/category/michael-and-marla-sklar ...  Resolution to this?  Government Almighty has, de facto, decreed that Jewish and Christian schools are WAY too rational, the schooling there is WAY to beneficial, in the real world, to qualify for religious exemptions.  Scientology “auditing” and Scientology schools, now, THEY, though (through a SECRET agreement with the IRS), THEY are sufficiently irrational enough to get you an 80% tax deductions for your “contributions” to this “church” for your “auditing”, where they fleece, ooops, I mean audit, away your scamgrams, ooops, I mean, your engrams.  See also page 171 of “Inside Scientology”, by Janet Reitman.  CLEARLY, this is a case where we need the Ministers of Measuring Silliness to spell out, in explicit legal detail, just HOW irrational we have to be, to get church exemptions!  http://www.religionnewsblog.com/6669/l-ron-hubbard-has-better-lobbyists-than-god is a good summary also…  We DO have separation of Church and State here in the USA, except for THE one “official” Church of the USA, which is Scientology.  We Scienfoologists just want to join them on their Elevated Perch, that’s all.  All Hail Government Almighty!

 

Example # 2:  You spend $20,000 for open-heart surgery.  Or, for your own privately-bought medical insurance.  You can ONLY write off, that portion that exceeds 10% (or so, have not double-checked lately) of your income.  Your next-door neighbor, a Scientologist, spends $20,000 for “donations” for “religious training” from the Church of Scientology, IN A QUID PRO QUO ARRANGEMENT (from what I have read…  I do NOT think the IRS polices this kind of thing with any kind of energy at all).  Since his “Church” makes only implied (but not promised) health-benefit promises, he thinks he’s going to get his health problems squared away by getting his “engrams audited away” through the use of an “E-meter”, see?  But the IRS calls all of this “irrational”, and therefore eligible for FULL deductions as “Religious Charity”.  I have not heard, do not know…  Does anyone know, where the Love of GAWD goes, when my physicians aren’t sufficiently irrational?  How many Oooga-Booga witch-doctor masks would they need to wear, how many songs and dances would they have to perform, how many rattles would they need to shake, during my surgery, before GAWD would give me a FULL tax deduction for my surgery?  Please email me if you have an answer  SQRLSy_1@ChurchofSQRLS.com

 

Example #3: In recent years, many mainstream Churches, Mosques, Synagogues, etc., have become QUITE reluctant to give their parishioners any kind of individual PRACTICAL counseling.  No marriage counseling, no mental-health or practical-spirituality (moods, thoughts, etc.) counseling, no family-fights kinds of counseling allowed, see, because if the Church (etc.) DID do so, they could get sued in GAWD’s courts, for practicing incompetent psychotherapy, in the event that someone commits suicide, kills husband or wife, etc.  And taken to the cleaners!  So, no PRACTICAL therapy for YOU, Church-goer!  Too rational, not enough deserving of “Religious” freedom.  Also, your contributions to the Church might not all be tax-deductible, now, because you have (in a quid pro quo arrangement) gotten the “rational benefit” of, say, marriage counseling.

Now if, on the other hand, you want to talk about how to turn wine into blood, crackers into Jesus’ flesh, how many angels can dance on the head of a pin, whether God hears the prayers of Christians only, or of Jews also, or what kind of flavor of soft drink God drinks, or what kind or color of robe He wears, or so forth…  Come on down, the doors are open!  For individual counseling, even!  GAWD, in His Mercy, has decreed that these kinds of things are IRRATIONAL, and therefore, fully deserving of religious freedom!  And not taxable under the “rational benefit” test either!   Praises Be to GAWD in SHAMM On High, your IRRATIONAL freedoms at least, are free from the ravening lawyers, and GAWD’s (tax) Wrath!   GAWD giveth, and GAWD taketh away, Blessed Be the Name of GAWD!  (For details, academic paper-writers, punch the following phrase, in quotes, into Google, and go from there…  Sorry, I have no better links than that handy at the moment…  Clergy shy away from counseling, Surge in lawsuits is scaring them off” … )

So in summary of such things, I hate to say ANYTHING AT ALL, bad, about GAWD’s Servants, but, well, I don’t think that the IRS is doing a totally bang-up job, on the Religious Freedoms policies front.  I can NOT find any guidance, on just EXACTLY how rational or irrational, the Church of Scienfoology needs to be, to become IRS accredited.  That’s why we need the MSR, the Ministry of Silly (irrational) Religions, to get this ALL spelled out, with PRECISION!  I am QUITE sure that this endeavor could stimulate the economy with the wages of WAY large numbers of additional Servants to GAWD!

And of course, the MSR could also spell out for us, in precise and lawyerly ways, EXACTLY what kinds of counseling are, and are not, of “rational benefit”, to protect the “Religiously Free” institutions, and my donations, from GAWD’s Wrath, and the GAWD-empowered lawyers.

See also http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052702304791204576401930158962312.html?mod=googlenews_wsj ; As it turns out, the IRS is not the ONLY one of GAWD’s agencies currently empowered to serve as “MSR”, the NLRB (Nationalistisches Socialistisches Arbeiter, ooops, I mean, National Labor Relations Bureau) also serves to decide, for example, whether or not “Catholic colleges are Catholic enough”.

Generic Glossary / Index of Terms / Explanations -

 

Effigy, Effigies -  

Effigies are dolls, drawings, or other inanimate representations of ourselves, that we Scienfoologists practice pseudo-medical-like rituals on.  By the rational power of Placebos, if we have sufficient Faith, this will work.  We are hoping that we have struck the Right Balance between Reason and Faith so as to qualify for Religious Freedom, although we still have no clarity from the MSR (GAWD Willing, it shall be provided Some Sunny Day soon).  Effigies need not be complex, so long as your Faith is strong.  Draw a Happy Face; think of it as being a representation of yourself.  Put pills on the mouth.  Done!    We use effigies for GOOD things, which is our own Health (and Religious Freedoms to have unfettered access to medical-like, but Faith-Based, Technologies).  We Scienfoologists are NOT to be confused with “VooDoo”, which can be defined as, A), Making effigies of your enemies and torturing said effigies, or, B) Obamacare, which will fund conventional, non-Scienfoological health care for just about everyone, by making criminals out of everyone, see http://reason.com/archives/2010/12/31/the-obamacare-fraud

 

Eschatology, Studying the Scienfoological End-Times -

Many-many other religions LOVE to get into the Deep Academics, Philosophy, and Theology of the End Times.  Then, after they predict the precise time and day of the “end of the world”, and it doesn’t come, they A) commit mass suicide, Heaven’s Gate style, to go and meet their Spaceship in the Sky, or equivalent, or, B) they promptly announce a NEW date for the coming end of the world, or C) they announce that the end of the world DID come, and you just didn’t see it, it was invisible, or D), their devoutness prevented the end of the world, after all, and everyone owes them big-time.  We as Scienfoologists like to go with choice “C”.  As a matter of fact (and of Deep Theological Eschatology too), I as Head Scienfoologist am telling you, the End of The World as we know it, has ALREADY HAPPENED, on 1 Jan. 2011, when I claimed the site www.churchofSQRLS.com , and began posting all of this Deep Theology here (put your boots on, MORE is coming!).  Anyway, the end of the world has ALREADY COME, we can all stop stressing out now!  Aren’t we Scienfoologists blessedly MERCIFUL?

 

GAWD, Government Almighty’s Wrath Delivers  - 

Technically, GAWD is but a “mere” (although Highly Esteemed and Worthy of Worship) thought or belief that civilized Americans everywhere, hold Precious and Dear.  In common Scienfoology parlance, though, GAWD has become personalized, a discrete Deity-Entity, synonymous with Government, or Government Almighty.  GAWD Loves those whose income / out-go levels, or age, or other Status on the Pyramid Scheme, shows that they deserve Bennies, and Subjects to His Wrath, those who have become “rich”, which is defined as anyone who makes more money than I, the voter, do.  GAWD also protects us from un-prescribed dangerous medical devices like tiny air pumps and flutes . GAWD is the boss of God, as accomplished by recent revolutionary gains for progress and for hippagroovalisticness.

 

HAM, Heresy, Apostasy, & Malpractice - 

This is primarily the Grave Scienfoological SIN of taking a Scienfoological Technology, and applying it directly to one’s own physical body, or the physical body of another.  Scienfoological Technologies are to be applied ONLY to religious-use-only, ritual effigies!  Borrowing a tiny bit from M. Scott Peck (recently deceased Christian psychiatrist and writer, who wrote of evil v/s Evil and, perhaps, by extension, v/s EVIL), there’s ham and Ham and HAM.  Scienfoology (FDA-Worshipping Diocese) is ALL about taking heavily regulated, expensive TRUE medical devices and substances, and deriving vaguely related RELIGIOUS technologies (Scientology style), and applying them to ritual effigies, for religiously-free (therefore unregulated and MUCH cheaper) health care uses.   Placebo power is the strand of rationality, in the irrational, and therefore religiously free, Scienfoology Doctrine, here, although a final ruling hasn’t yet been rendered by the Ministry of Silly Religions, concerning just how much or how little freedom GAWD is going to grant to us Scienfoologists. 

However, Scienfoology is ALSO all about encouraging GAWD to go ahead and turn what are today, non-prescription technologies and drugs, and turning them into PRESCRIPTION technologies, so that GAWD-blessed and insurance-company-blessed ones amongst us can have them for FREE!  Yee-Haw, FREE!!!  While the rest of us will be freed up to practice lower-cost, un-regulated Religious Freedom, Scienfoology style.  The best of both worlds, see… 

So for example, yes, BEDS are sleep aids, and ideally, in a Scienfoological Paradise, they would be by PRESCRIPTION ONLY!  And Scienfoologists would be given special religious freedom to purchase non-prescription bed-like ritual objects for ritual use with effigies.  Yes, it is true that if our Scienfoological Faith is strong enough, we can simply place our effigy in a bed-like device, and then party the night away, all day, and every night, and NEVER require ANY sleep!  Party ON, Dudes and Duddettes of Scienfoology!!!  However, that is ONLY if your Scienfoological Faith is EXTREMELY strong.   Even I, The SQRLSy One, must admit that my Faith has been too weak, and I still sleep on bed-like objects.  So I am a hamster or a hamstress; I commit the ham of using regular objects for regular health-related uses, in a conventional way, even though ideally, we as Devout Scienfoologists refrain from doing such things, in anticipation of the Glorious Day when prescriptions will be required for the conventional use of ALL such things.  We are ALL, still, in some way or another, hamsters; I am sorry to confess my weakness to you.  Yes, I know, I have let us all down.  Let us Scienfoologists all stand by one another, and give one another strength, in our struggles against ham and Ham and HAM!

Another case of small-h “ham” would be what we Scienfoologists call POOPAST, which is Purportedly, Ostensibly Other-Purposed Applications of Scienfoological Technology. 

Now Capital-H Ham would be a step upwards in the gravity of our Scienfoological offenses.  An example of Ham would be, for example obtaining a flute to blow on, with a Doctor’s permission, and then allowing your spouse’s effigy to blow on it, Scienfoologically, without having told your Doctor ANYTHING about our Scienfoological Faith!  We as Scienfoologists are required to be PROUD of our Scienfoological Faith, and to Witness to The World, all about it!  Every chance we get!

Another example of a mid-level Ham offense would be to practice Scienfoology, with your effigy, and then, to gauge the level of effectiveness of your quasi-medical, ritual (religious) practice, to ask your EFFIGY about how it felt, how it worked!  One is NOT to do this, one is to ONLY ask ONESELF how well it worked (via placebo power), and to adhere to, “effigies are to be seen, and not heard”.  Otherwise, Scienfoologists might be made to appear foolishly irrational, as opposed to religiously-free, irrational.   Of all the things!  Talking to low-ranking, inanimate objects!  Do NOT bring whackiness or disrespect to Scienfoology!   AND furthermore, it would hint at allowing effigies to get “uppity”, and to disrespect the Sacred Principles whereby EVERYONE must be content to stay in their proper station on the Pyramid Scheme of Things & Stuff (Which is The Will of GAWD).

To summarize the above somewhat subtle, even esoteric, concept, I would say, then, that it is our Duty as TRULY Devout Scienfoologists, to take umbrage at any and all uppity effigies!  In a TRUE Spirit of Devoutness…  I am channeling Dave Barry now…  I would point out that musically talented Scienfoologists, if they REALLY felt The Spirit, would come forth, and create a rock band called “Umbrage at Uppity Effigies”...  Failing that, perhaps, at LEAST, name an album or a song by that sexy title!

A final example of mid-level Ham would be to back-slide, through jealousy of our effigies, into conventional medical or quasi-medical ways, LEGALLY, of applying conventional medical or soon-to-be medical technologies, directly to ourselves, instead of to our effigies.  Devout Scienfoologists apply “medicine” ONLY to our effigies!  Example “A”:  We get some painkiller pills (by prescription, today; we are NOT talking of the looked-for future, where, by religious-freedom exemptions granted to Scienfoologists through MSR, we get painkillers for use by our EFFIGY).  Because of envy of the “buzz” we can get from painkillers, we take the painkillers OURSELVES, instead of giving them to our effigies, and relying on Scienfoological Principles of Placebo Powers.  We have NOT violated the Sacredness of GAWD’s Laws, but, we have fallen short of Scienfoological ideals, then.

 

Proper Pet-Petting Protocol -

Example “B” will apply to a medical technology that will be prescription-required of non-Scienfoological unbelievers in the future (but also, of course, on the plus side, FREE for them!).  You see, petting your pet (cat, dog, bunny waaabbit, goldfish, snake, spider) has been documented as being of benefit to your health, see http://www.suite101.com/content/owning-a-pet-provides-health-benefits-a228987 , and so therefore, quite logically, the FDA (Praises Be!) will, in the future, require a PRESCRIPTION for pets & accessories, quite clearly!  So Medicare, Medicaid, insurance, etc., of course, will be required to pay for all of your pets, pet food, veterinary care, etc., if you are a non-Scienfoological unbeliever.  And un-regulated for Scienfoologists who allow only their EFFIGY to pet the pets, and who do NOT personally pet their pets.  That Glorious Day has not arrived yet, though, and so it does NOT yet violate GAWD’s Laws for ANYONE to snuggle a pet.  Even in today’s Scienfoological settings, though, personally petting your pet, just because it “feels good”, as opposed to having your EFFIGY snuggle your pet, falls short of the Full Glories of Scienfoological faith, and, so, therefore, is an instance of Ham.  If you think this is all quite implausible (you SILLY Scienfoological unbelievers you!!!), and you hoot with derision at the idea that a prescription should be required to own a pet, then riddle me this:  How many emergency-room visits and deaths, every year, are racked up by pet bites and pet attacks, and how many are racked up by tiny puffs of air, or blowing on a flute?

(Now obviously the difference between ham and Ham is, ham is weakness in the face of the near-insurmountable, like our weak-human need for sleep, and Ham can be weakness in the face of the optional, like personally, bodily taking painkillers or petting our pets).

Moving on to HAM, this is, for example (less common case), allowing scientists to observe our rituals, and/or subjecting them to double-blind scientific tests.  Submitting to such things kicks us over into the court of science as opposed to religion, whereby Scienfoology would lose its special “Religious Freedom” permissions to be exempt from GAWD’s Wrath.  Do NOT commit such shameful HAM, please!!!

The probably-more-common cases of HAM, I imagine, will involve BOTH Scienfoological weakness AND violation of GAWD’s Laws, like blowing personally blowing on a flute without a prescription.  It is ALSO, especially, getting special religious-freedom access to Scienfoological Technology, and then PERSONALLY using it on ONE’S OWN BODY!  Yes, I know, this is vulgar and shocking, but we must discuss the full depths of possible Scienfoological depravity.  No ostriches-in-the-sand here amongst us Scienfoologists, No, Sirree!  HAM…  Example “A”:  We get some unregulated painkiller pills (in the future, by religious-freedom exemptions granted to Scienfoologists through MSR).  Because of envy of the “buzz” that our effigy will be legally entitled to, we take the pain pills PERSONALLY, ourselves.  This is quite sinful HAM, because it endangers our future, special, Scienfoological Religious Freedoms.  Or, example “B”, you as a husband, personally take the antibiotics that have been prescribed to your wife.  This is HAM also, because, for lack of the Magic in the Doctor’s Prescribing Pen, your BAD drugs have NOT yet been transformed into GOOD drugs!  (The same deal, though, down-graded by some sincere Scienfoological liturgical ritual, and then given to your EFFIGY, but without the knowledge or consent of your Doctor, would be Ham and not HAM, but not ham, because after all, you ARE skipping an opportunity to Witness for Scienfoology, to your Doctor).

Like I said, no ostriches here…  UNSPEAKABLE HORRORS FOLLOW, please remove children from the room before reading further…  There’s yet one more step here, which is Unforgivable HAM, which is where a Scienfoologist commits HAM, AND gets CAUGHT!

No doubt, some of you Scienfoological un-believers and Budding Believers are considerably confused by what looks like hair-splitting, about whether GAWD’s Laws have been changed yet, or not, for a specific deed, and whether or not your Doctors knows about it, or not, and whether it is YOU or your EFFIGY that pets your pet, and so on.  So let me confess, I may be a wee tad of a hard-case here…  But you DO have to understand that I am the FOUNDER of Scienfoology, so I have to provide a STERN example, and High Ideals.  Let me just add that, once we get MSR to approve of us as a GAWD-approved Religion, we, the Church, will be QUITE happy to allow you to Donate to the Church, and call yourselves Good Scienfoologists, even, DESPITE considerable levels of HAM!  As long as the Donations $$$ keep on coming…

But a few more explanatory words of comparison here are clearly called for.  We Scienfoologists can be vaguely compared to the more-familiar Catholic Church.  Small-s “sin” for instance, is making love to your husband or wife, AND feeling proper Catholic Guilt.  You’ve got GAWD’s Blessings AND the Church’s Blessing (permission, marriage license, Church Ceremony, Holy Water, etc.), AND (in light of the fact that Priests can’t be married), you are VERY conscious that sex, in the Eyes of the Church, is dirty.  Priests can’t dabble in that dirty stuff, see, so you, as a GOOD Catholic, go “that extra mile” and feel the Proper Guilt for your Dirty Deed.

Now case “B”, Capital-S “Sin” is being properly married, and making love to your spouse, and NOT feeling ANY guilt at ALL!  This clearly does NOT fully honor the Church’s Slam on sex; the Clean High Holy Ones, as we all know, are NOT allowed, and so we should at least show SOME guilt!  Come ON now!  So…  It’s not necessarily exactly what you DO, it’s what’s in your HEART.

To continue the analogy, SIN (ALL CAPS) in Catholicism, then, would to be to be happy and gay, about your love life, or to use contraception.  Except if you are a Priest, carrying on with a small boy, for instance, where it doesn’t even register as being a “sin”, as long as you don’t get caught!  You can be a leader of The Holy Mother Church, or (of course!) donate your money to it, all day long, as long as you don’t get caught!!!

The Unforgivable SIN, of course, is getting caught!

Likewise, in Scienfoology, you can commit HAM , as we all do from time to time, and be forgiven.  The Church of Scienfoology will still forgive you, especially if you do at least one of two things, in propitiation:  ‘1)  Donate to Scienfoology, ‘2) and/or engage in the Sacred Hamster Dance, and sing along, see http://www.webhamster.com/ .

 

Hamsters & Hamstresses -  

Those amongst us who commit the Scienfoological sins of ham, Ham, or HAM.

 

Human Wolf, Human Wolves  - 

In Scienfoology, this is another Title of Great Honor.  All things at the top-most layers of the pyramid, in Scienfoology, are to be honored.  Just as in the state of pre-human Nature, the wolves feasted upon the bunny waaabbits without apology and without mercy, so, too, do the human wolves (those who reside in SHAMM) feast upon the human bunny waaabbits (we who are subjected to GAWD’s Wrath and/or GAWD’s Love).  This is Nature’s and God’s original, sacred Pyramid Scheme, see history, and it CERTAINLY is GAWD’s Will!!!  Agitating against this Grand Natural Scheme of Things and Stuff, is yea veritably like advocating that the inmates should run the asylum!

 

MSR, Ministry of Silly Religions  - 

In the future, GAWD willing, a small fraction of the duties of the IRS will be moved to this new agency, which will do a MUCH more precise, lawyerly job of describing which of our religious beliefs are “sincerely held”, in the All-Seeing Eye of GAWD.

In slightly sloppy Scienfoological parlance, until such Sunny Day as when GAWD sees fit to institute the true MSR, MSR will refer to the IRS.

 

POOPAST, Purportedly, Ostensibly Other-Purposed Applications of Scienfoological Technology  - 

Those amongst us Scienfoologists who are not quite yet TOTALLY Righteous, might engage in the small-h “ham” of not being completely open and forthright (let alone PROUD, as we SHOULD be!) of our Scienfoological Faith, have been known to write emails to the likes of medical-device flute-makers, and encourage them to make a MUCH cheaper and easier-to-access, non-prescription version of their flute.  We might tell them we want a child’s birthday flute, for example, or an elephant-calling device.  Then if/when we manage to obtain said flute for said non-medical, non-prescription purpose, we secretly slink off, and use it on our effigies, in Scienfoological rituals.  Yes, indeed, this IS shameful ham, in that it falls short of the True Glories of Scienfoology.  However, if it helps Scienfoologists to acquire technology for ritual uses, this is, on balance, a GOOD thing.

See also Samples of Poopast

 

Shameless Government Parasite –

In Scienfoology, this is another Title of Great Honor.  All things at the very top of the pyramid, in Scienfoology, are to be honored, and Parasites populate THE very top of the pyramid!  Enough said?

Well maybe not…  OF COURSE they are shameless, because they have nothing to be ashamed of!  They protect the innocent and ignorant by shielding us all from tiny battery-powered air pumps, flutes, and un-prescribed breakfast cereals!  If you don’t believe me about the criminalization of eating breakfast cereals that have not been properly prescribed to you by a licensed, degreed, credentialed, and board-certified physician, please see http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2010/mar/9/your-prescription-for-cheerios-is-ready/ .

 

SHAMM, Statist’s Heaven Above Mere Mortals, AKA Washington, D.C.  - 

          This is where those closest to GAWD live in peace and plenty.  In this Paradise, everyone is Blessed by GAWD, and there is NO fighting at ALL!

 

SMARM – Soul Mates And Religions Ministry  - 

          In the future, GAWD willing, SMARM will chose our boyfriends/girlfriends/husbands/wives, AND Church/Synagogue/Mosque/Whatever.  (“Whatever” is where the young whupper-schnuppers go, this is a Holy Word and Place these days, it seems).  Well anyway, since GAWD already knows what medicines work for us, it surely seems obvious that He knows what other kinds of things work for us, as well.

 

SUCKSAST, Supplications Unto Czars and Kings of SHAMM, Applications of Scienfoological Technology  - 

(And don’t tell me you’ve forgotten what SHAMM is!) – This is the next step beyond POOPAST … When you’ve matured in your Scienfoological Faith, and you’re no longer so ashamed of being a Scienfoologist that you’re tempted to ask “medical device” manufacturers to manufacture such devices, under other guises, so as to enable you to practice your Scienfoology rituals in secret shame… Then you bravely march right forth, and render your publically-declared supplications unto the Czars and Kings Who Do Dwell in SHAMM (Hallowed Be their Names!).  You worship and adore them, beg of them to attain yet more Power and Glory over us ignorant masses, and abjectly and respectfully beg for Scienfoological religious freedoms for us poor, struggling, long-suffering Scienfoologists.  The “Applications of Scienfoological Technology” part here simply means that you write emails to Those Who Reside in the Hallowed Halls of SHAMM, in this case.  Yes, this ***IS*** Scienfoological Technology!  Al Gore tried to steal our credit away from us, but it IS well known to us Scienfoologists, that some of use travelled back in time, and invented, not just email and the Internet, but sex, sliced bread, television, and reality shows.

Anyway, I as the SQRLSy One am always thinking of YOU, and of how I can help you strengthen your Scienfoological Faith and Practice, and so I have kindly prepared a few samples of SUCKSAST for you…

 

Were-Hamsters -  

          This is like attaining Nirvana in Hindu, or One-ness in Buddhism, or becoming Jesus in Christianity.  Or getting your 72 virgins in Islam, or being a Totally Clear Operating Thetan in Scientology, or becoming The Nothing in Atheism.  It is the near-unobtainable state of becoming totally free of ham of any kind (we Scienfoologists are vaguely like Jews, Moslems, and Sam-I-Ams, who don’t like hamming it up, or ham, not even if it’s green, or comes with green eggs, and not even if it’s served by a fine fox, who has a fine box).  Even I, The SQRLSy One, am still a hamster or a hamstress.  I don’t know WHAT a Were-Hamster is like, but I hope to attain this Blessed State some Sunny Day!

 

 

SAMPLES OF POOPAST

 

 

Hi all you less-than-totally-devout Scienfoologists, AND also,

Hi all you non-Scienfoological unbelievers,

 

          For you semi-fallen Scienfoologists who like to indulge in a little bit of small-h “ham”, now and then, I wrote the below sample emails, which you are welcome to edit and then email off to the manufacturers or distributors of said products.  But then, I got to realizing, Scienfoology un-believers might be able to benefit as well, if they fall into one of the below-listed categories.  So, in the usual, ecumenical, broad-minded style of us tolerant and hippagroovalist Scienfoologists, I provide the below sample emails.  Unbelievers, just take these emails straight.  Semi-fallen Scienfoologists, please see POOPAST, Purportedly, Ostensibly Other-Purposed Applications of Scienfoological Technology, in order to put this all into proper context.  In any case, no matter HOW you feel about birthday parties, or ephelumps, or the both of them combined, I suspect you should be able to find a suitable email template below!

 

Summary of Contents of the Below:

 

LETTER TO FLUTE MAKER, FROM MIGHTY WHITE HUNTER OR PATHOLOGICAL HATER OF EPHELUMPS

 

LETTER TO FLUTE MAKER, FROM TOURISTY ELEPHANT LOVER

 

LETTER TO FLUTE MAKER, FROM NATURE WORSHIPPING ELEPHANT RESPECTER

 

LETTER TO FLUTE MAKER, FROM BACKWOODS HILL HUMANS

 

LETTER TO FLUTE MAKER, FROM BIRTHDAY PARTY LOVER, WHO ALSO CARES ABOUT THE HEARING AND SEEING CHALLENGED

 

LETTER TO FLUTE MAKER, FROM BIRTHDAY PARTY HATER

 

LETTER TO FLUTE MAKER, FROM BIRTHDAY PARTY LOVER, WHO ALSO LOVES ELEPHANTS

 

LETTER TO FLUTE MAKER, FROM BIRTHDAY PARTY LOVER, WHO HATES ELEPHANTS  (Yes, I know y’all are out there, and I DO care!)

 

LETTER TO NOSE-BLOWER-TOY-MAKER, FROM MIGHTLY WHITE ASPIRING NATIONAL-LEVEL POLITICIANESSA De VILLE

 

LETTER TO GENETICS TESTING COMPANY, FROM FAN OF FORTUNE-TELLING SERVICES

 

 

LETTER TO FLUTE MAKER, FROM MIGHTY WHITE HUNTER OR PATHOLOGICAL HATER OF EPHELUMPS

 

Dear prescription@medicalacoustics.com ;

 

          I’m an ardent fan of your so-called “lung flute”.  I got myself a Doctor’s prescription, as mandated by the wise and compassionate FDA.  I’m also a Mighty White Hunter; AKA a pathological hater of ephelumps, according to certain circles.  In any case, on my recent hunting safari in Africa, whilst hunting those dastardly ephelumps  I do suppose you are aware, as I am, that they are the cause of halitosis, sun-spots, climate change, and all other sorts of chaos and badness about the lands and seas…  I did happen, through pure coincidence, to apply lung-flute therapy to myself, not knowing that there nearby were ephelumps hiding in the bushes.  This was an innocent event; I did NOT knowingly and with malice, willfully miss-apply a medical device!  And as my personal physician will testify, he SAW me not do it!

          Lo and behold, the low-frequency sounds of the lung flute caused the beasts to stampede from the bushes, trampling my guides & nearly overwhelming me as well!  Fortunately, my Mighty White Hunter guns and I prevailed, and all ended well, for me if not for my guides.  As for those dastardly

ephelumps, well, they simply got what was coming to ‘em!

          So anyway, I was wondering if perhaps you might make slight design and decoration changes to your lung-flute, and market it as an ephelump call.  Me & my hunting buddies, we’d sure appreciate it.  Heck, I personally volunteer to pose, slightly graying hair, square jaws, steely eyes, and all…  In my robe and slippers, pipe in hand, in my vast and tastefully decorated hunting lodge, in front of my most splendidly mounted ephelump heads.  Yessir, if I must say so myself, you and me, we could place quite the handsome advertisement in Field & Stream magazine, if we just put our heads together.

          And, oh, yes, I suppose I should mention one final thought as well.  I’m no knave or fool, and so I know that some would accuse you of trying to evade FDA regulations by marketing a “medical device” in another guise.  The solution to that, my friends, is simple.  Put a pamphlet in the box, along with the ephelump call, as follows:  “This device is NOT to be used by any organisms having medically significant amounts of sputum in their lungs, without proper medical supervision”.  Period!  No ifs, ands, or buts about it!  To further drive home your point, you could spare a few thousands of dollars here & there, in a public-relations, goodwill kind of manner.  You know, just like those “Drink, Drive, and Go to Jail” billboards.  Instead, “Blow on a Non-prescribed Lung Flute, Go To Jail.”

          Please consider my Worthy Ideas!

 

          Best Regards, Mighty White Hunter

 

 

 

LETTER TO FLUTE MAKER, FROM TOURISTY ELEPHANT LOVER

 

Dear prescription@medicalacoustics.com ;

 

          I’m an ardent fan of your so-called “lung flute”.  I got myself a Doctor’s prescription, as mandated by the wise and compassionate FDA.  I’m also the BIGGEST fan of those cutesy-boo-bootsie little (sometimes biggly-wiggly) elephants!!!  Why, me and my gal pals, the other day we jetted over from the Hamptons to South Africa, we were throwing hugs and kisses at the cutesy-wootsies in the Big Game park, I was just so overcome by my emotions, I started to hack and wheeze and gag on my own “sputum”, I guess that’s what you call it, while trying to be politely proper, and then I recalled, well, my doctor-woctor  he’s kinda cutesy-wootsey too, if truth be told…  He’d prescribed me your “lung flute”.  So I pulled my lung flute out of my handbag (which is WAY more expensive than yours, Dahling), and then made some unspeakably non-cutesy-wootsie cootie-type stuff come out of my lungs.

          But you know what?!?  Of all the strangest things, after I made those noises which I don’t care to discuss much further, the cutie-wootsie-pie elephants all came over to eat peanuts right out of the palms of our hands!  My friends claimed it was all because of our most splendid manicures, Dahlings, but, I was there, and I saw it all…  It WAS because of your most lovely “lung flute” that it all happened!

          Anyway, I was wondering if perhaps you might diversify your business a bit, and market an elephant call for the cutesy-wootsie-pies…  They did SOOOO much love to eat those peanuts out of our most well-groomed hands!

          Now, I have some friends who gossip a bit, it is true.  So I have heard it said that some might say that if you marketed such a cutesie-wootsie-pie elephant caller-type device, that some might say that you are merely doing such a thing so as to deviously, perfidiously bypass the socially conscious, charitable ones at the FDA.  That some might want to… How shall I put this delicately  Abuse an animal-calling device so as to expel sputum from their lungs, without medical supervision.

          Well, I say, PREVENT such abuses!  You CAN, at the one and the same time, attract the cutesy-wootsies for feeding sessions, AND repel the repugnant ones!  Simply put in your box, along with the elephant caller-device, the following warning:  “This is a device for calling upon all cutesy-wootsy animals.  If you have horrible, un-desirable lung boogers that you want to get rid of, and you should stoop so low as to abuse this noble device for such nefariously low purposes, WITHOUT a Doctor’s permission, and the FDA’s consent, then you will become blind and befestered with warts all over your hands.  This is a known and well-documented scientific FACT!  BEWARE!  (Add Skull and Cross-Bones Here!).

          That should very well take care of THAT particular issue!

 

          You’re Most Welcome for Our Superb Suggestions!  -  Leona Helmsly and Friends

 

 

LETTER TO FLUTE MAKER, FROM NATURE WORSHIPPING ELEPHANT RESPECTER

 

Dear prescription@medicalacoustics.com ;

 

          I’m an ardent fan of your so-called “lung flute”.  I got myself a Doctor’s prescription, as mandated by the wise and compassionate FDA.  But I have heard disturbing news as of lately, and that is that there are some trouble-makers out there on the Internet…  Al Gore Be Praised, for Having Invented the Internet, I must add!  Needless to say, I don’t mean to slander His Name in this matter, but there are those, who will, yes, ABUSE the Al Gore-Given Internet!  There are those will would encourage you to make devious derivatives of your lung flute, so as to, alternately, A) call, hunt, and kill elephants, or B) call, and degrade, elephants by treating them as pet-like recipients of cheap, nutritionally unbalanced, mass-produced, non-locally-grown, inorganically-grown, Franken-foodish, possibly plutonium-contaminated, processed-food peanut-derived by-products!

          I’m with the Gaia-respecting-type crowd, and so I’m here to tell you that this is NOT the proper way to Respect the Mother Earth, OR Her elephants!  Yes, I actually DO agree that you should market an alternative version of your lung flute, which would be utilized to call elephants!  BUT, I would have to add a MOST important caveat, and that is, such an elephant-calling derivative of your lung flute, should be reserved ONLY for utilization by properly licensed, credentialed, degreed, and certified, expertological experts of Elephantology!

          Now let me speak frankly…  Appeal to your, um, your more basic interests.  Don’t you realize that you could have the government FUND you, from it’s infinitely deep pockets, for studying the efficacy of such elephant-calling devices, if only you would agree to having modern Earth-aware, Deeply Sensitive Eco-type Scientists oversee your efforts?  If, instead of catering to low-brow hunter-type slobs, or snooty and oh-so-tacky tourists, you’d be catering to elite and un-biased Gaia-serving secularist scientists, can’t you see how you’d be in MUCH better stead to get near-unlimited tax-backed research funding?  Bottom line: elephant-calling devices should be permitted, ONLY for government-licensed, professional Elephantologists!  And I recommend that you position yourselves accordingly!

          Yes, I can be brutally honest…  If this email ever gets stolen, climate-gate-like, they’ll accuse us of incenting you, corporate greed-heads that you might be, of “putting profits before people”, appealing to your financial interests in such a way…  I can see that.  So PLEASE keep this email tightly secure!  But if all else fails…  Please remember this, you’re not putting profits before people, you’re doing it ALL for the ELEPHANTS!  Elephants are much cuter than “Gaia”, so please be working on your PR priorities here…

 

          Your Fellow Life-Form in Gaia, Al Gore Himself

 

 

LETTER TO FLUTE MAKER, FROM BACKWOODS HILL HUMANS

 

Howdy, Y’all, prescription@medicalacoustics.com ,

 

          Ah was wanderin down the road-side the other day, an ah happens to pick up, by that them thar roadside, one o’ yer new-fangled them thar “lung flutes”, is wut ah guess y’all is a-calling em these them thar days.  So ah tookted it home an ah sure showed it to Ethel-Bob.  She’s ah well-larned womun, maybee evun a more well-larned a-person than ah am, an ah hate tu say it, but it mite be true.  She a-looked it up on them thar new-fangled internet, an she larned wut its fer.  She sez ta be shure ta tell ya, she did NOT use it herself, till she went an got herself a perscripshun from the Dockter-fella down in the other holler-way, ferst!  THEN she wented an a-used it!  It worked prutty gud, she sez.  

          Well, den da udder day the neybur’s bull got outta da bull-pen ova there an he comes a runnin over ta err house, an he’s a-stompin all over err garden an stuff.  Ethel-Bob gits all X-cited an sew she’s a whezzin at er lungs and all, an so she gits out err “lung flute”, an whaddaya know, when she blows on this them thar weerd lung flute o’ yers, the bull up an looks at err an off an runs away!

          Ah thought that was weerd, mebbe witch-kraft ore sumthin.  But then mah cuzzin frum the big city, when I toll him about it, he says, well, ya know, he larned from the perfesser-types, the bigger anermals, they listens to lower sounds, and the smaller anermals, they listens to the higher sounds.  The bull herd the lower sounds frum the “lung flute”, an off he run!  It a-skared the bull, mebbe the bull thawt it was a bigger, badder bull that was a-makin the noise, see?

          So ah was wunnerin if mebbe y’all culd mebbe make us a bull-go-away flute?  We culd yose a few o them aroun hea, yah hea?  Now if them thar bad fulks across the other holler, them thar Hatefields, if them thar say we’s just a-tryin to cheat the FDA gummint-type G-men from makin us pay the X-tra for a “lung flute” by callin it a bull-go-away flute…  If they’s a-sayin bad stuff like that them thar stuff a-bouts us, then we sezz, donna NOT goin a-bout a-listnen to them thar LYES about us, weed a-not DO such “slick Willie”-type stuff on y’all gud folks.  Weed a-NOT be sneekin out behind the barn, blowin on no bull-go-away flute, sews to git the boogers outta err own lungs, yah hea?  Not without no docktor’s say-so!  Honest Injun, weed a-NEVER-EVER do such a thing as, to try an snooker the Good Gummint-type folks.  Fer shure, weed a-not be a-doin that whilst the gummint-type folks was a-lookin, THAT’S fer SHURE!

 

          Okey-Dokey?  Much Oh-Bly-Ged,

 

                    Wilbur-Bertha & Ethel-Bob McCoy

 

 

LETTER TO FLUTE MAKER, FROM BIRTHDAY PARTY LOVER, WHO ALSO CARES ABOUT THE HEARING AND SEEING CHALLENGED

 

Dear prescription@medicalacoustics.com ;

 

          I’m an ardent fan of your so-called “lung flute”.  I got myself a Doctor’s prescription, as mandated by the wise and compassionate FDA.  But then just yesterday, I sponsored a small birthday party for my own Most Precious Darling, Cindy Loo Sue, Who Was No More than Two, and I got to thinking, well, indeed she may deserve all the most wonderful and pricey birthday gifts that all her  Dear Friends had brought.  But I as her parent, I should also be considering social and Spiritual matters of her development as well.  Most especially, her father and I must attend to our deep, DEEPLY Spiritual need to convince everyone that our family is way out there on the bleeding-heart edge of being More Compassionate Than You.

          So specifically, we were thinking, next time we have a birthday party, we’d find some Helen-Keller-like hearing AND seeing challenged-type person, even if we have to hire a young actor or actress, to compassionately portray such a person.  We do it all to teach the young proper social attitudes, see, so a few small deceptions should be forgiven…  Besides that, the REALLY challenged people often are physically un-attractive, and are prone to drooling, and so forth, and who wants THEM at Cindy Loo’s party?!?!  But I digress…

          In any case, such partying-challenged party-goers, who cannot see nor hear the joyous festivities all around them, would SURELY be able to feel the rib-cage-rattling vibrations of several hundred low-frequency birthday whistles!  So the NEXT Cindy Loo B-day party we throw, we’ll want to have hundreds of low-frequency flutes, to be passed out as birthday favors, so that we can suitably impress all the party-goers, not only with our fabulous good fortunes, but also, with our fabulous compassion for the sensorially challenged!  Can you PLEASE market such a birthday-party whistle?

          Now I imagine, some might worry that this would merely be a ploy, intended to bypass the supremely compassionate regulators at the FDA.  That good-fortune-challenged, or financial-resource-challenged, persons might evade the intent of the law, deviously, and use party whistles to expel sputum from their lungs, WITHOUT benefit of a prescription!

          There might, indeed, but such dastardly persons out there somewhere, but I can most certainly assure you, we, of the Loo Sue family, and ALL of those who we grace with invitations to our Most Exclusive Parties, are WAY above such low tactics!  So maybe you could just market such a new device, ONLY to us, and to similarly upper-stratum-situated type folks, if you follow my drift.  Charge $100 each, not $45 each, we’re good for it!

 

          Sincerely, More Compassionate Than You Loo Sue

 

 

 

LETTER TO FLUTE MAKER, FROM BIRTHDAY PARTY HATER

 

Dear prescription@medicalacoustics.com ;

 

          I’m an ardent fan of your so-called “lung flute”.  I got myself a Doctor’s prescription, as mandated by the ^%*#&$^%@*&%!! FDA.  But then just yesterday, my wife just HAD to have a birthday party at our house, for our 35-year-old son that still lives with us, AND all of his no-good so-called “friends”, and I’d just had too much of it all.  So I got out my lung flute, put some festive decals and streamers on it, and honked on it good and hard, all in the spirit, of course, of blowing festively on a birthday whistle.  As I am sure you are well aware, your flutes make a most awesomely repellant, hideous racket.  Kinda like blowing raspberries, by the way, see?  And then, for good measure, I might add, I hocked up a few goobers.  The party rapidly subsided, soon thereafter.

          So I was wondering if maybe you could market such a birthday whistle for such festivities-impaired persons as Mine Own Noble Self?

          Now I have heard it said, on the Internet and in other lowly places, that some mysterious “they” say that marketing such a device would merely be for the purposes of snookering a bunch of pompous, arrogant, nitwit namby-pamby nannies, ninnies, and nincompoops at the FDA.  Well, I say that “they” are wantonly cruel to our Fine Public Servants at the FDA!  The FDA is most certainly ***NOT*** a bunch of pompous, arrogant, nitwit namby-pamby nannies, ninnies, and nincompoops!  They ARE pompous, arrogant, nitwit namby-pamby nannies and ninnies, yes, but they are ***NOT*** nincompoops!!!  Let the matter hereby stand corrected!

 

                    Sincerely, Birthday Scrooge

 

 

 

 

LETTER TO FLUTE MAKER, FROM BIRTHDAY PARTY LOVER, WHO ALSO LOVES ELEPHANTS

 

Dear prescription@medicalacoustics.com ;

 

          I WAS an ardent fan of your so-called “lung flute”.  I got myself a Doctor’s prescription, as mandated by the wise and compassionate FDA.  But then I, as a Compassionate One Who Esteems All Living Things, got to worrying about all the viruses and bacteria that make their homes in the sputum in my lungs.  I got to Contemplating Deeply about such matters, and concluded that I can no longer support such mass murder of innocent life-forms, even if it is supposedly “blessed” (if I can blaspheme such a Holy Word) by both the FDA and my medical doctor.  My conscience will NOT permit me to blow on your flute, any longer, for the sole purpose of depriving innocent creatures of their Happy Home!

          But then, the other day, we had a birthday party for my son.  My husband even had a (humanely) trained elephant invited to the party, since we all (especially our son) just LOVE elephants.  The elephant, sad to say, was in bad spirits, and trampled several of our guests.  Then I recalled your “lung flute” that I still had buried away in a drawer.  I scrabbled for it madly, and found it in the nick of time.  The soothing lower-frequency sounds were, indeed, just what was needed in order to sooth the poor distraught beast.  As a purely un-desired side effect of the creature-soothing activities of mine, yes, I did expel doubtlessly several million innocent tiny creatures from my lungs, yes…  This is true.  I did NOT intend for this to happen.  I did co-incidentally feel MUCH better, physically, afterwards, despite my great Spiritual Anguish over the millions of innocent dead.  Everyone all around me consoled me about how Deeply Sensitive I was about the innocent bacteria and viruses and all, but assured me that I had done the right thing, in the balance, for the poor, traumatized elephant.  Some folks…  Well, yes, there are the un-compassionate ones among us, who are ignorant of Deep Spiritual Truths about only the Natural Creatures, and not the un-natural humans, being of significance.  So, yes, some of these slobs even asserted that I had done the right thing, in the name of stopping the trampling of the human guests.  I guess we all have the right to speak our minds…

          Please forgive me as I ramble so.  In any case, I would like, VERY much, for you to market such an elephant-soothing party flute, for those of us who like to invite elephants to our parties, who would like to also un-intentionally expel sputum, bacteria, and viruses from our lungs.  We are legion, these many, many of us who are in this situation, I might add, it is a LARGE market for greedy capitalists like yourselves…  We would feel far better about the un-intentional harm to the poor bacteria, and all, when we throw our frequent parties for the benefits only of the elephants, see…  If, for example, the flutes were more specifically marketed for the GOOD use!  NO pictures of suffering bacteria on the flute decals, labels, and instruction pamphlets; ONLY happy elephants, OK!?!?!

          Now there might be some low, low, low life-forms out there, that MIGHT want to consider the idea of buying party-going-elephant-soothing flutes so as to torture poor and helpless lung bacteria, and all, WITHOUT EVER bothering to benefit a single elephant!!!  Yes, I have troubled myself with such horrifying thoughts, and…  Yes, I may be an idealist, but I’m not a fool…  I have concluded that there may be rational bias for such horrible thoughts, that Evil people would, indeed, stoop so low.

          Well, I have a simple solution for you, for this dilemma:  Simply SPEAK THE TRUTH!!!  When you announce your new elephant-soothing flute, simultaneously denounce ALL of those who would thus abuse your device!   Simply announce that all your opponents are just like Adolf Hitler.  Hitler breathed oxygen, and they breathe oxygen!  Undeniable fact, then, that they are just like Adolf, and that NO ONE should listen to them.  I have found this to be an irrefutable argument against those who, for example, belong to the wrong political party.

 

          Sincerely, Loves the Viruses, Bacteria, and Elephants, Hates the pepples

 

 

LETTER TO FLUTE MAKER, FROM BIRTHDAY PARTY LOVER, WHO HATES ELEPHANTS  (Yes, I know y’all are out there, and I DO care!)

 

 

Dear prescription@medicalacoustics.com ;

 

          I’m an ardent fan of your so-called “lung flute”.  I got myself a Doctor’s prescription, as mandated by the wise and compassionate FDA.  But then just the other day, we were throwing a birthday party for my dear elderly Mom, peaceful as any party could be, and out of the blue, for no good reason whatsoever, a herd of elephants came stampeding our way!  I whipped out my trusty “lung flute” and repelled every last one of them!  The day was saved!  (As you may surmise, I have figured out how to use your device in such a manner as to repel elephants).

          Could you please market a derivative of your fine product, for this specific purpose?  Where I come from, this is happening a LOT!   MANY, MANY of my friends and family, too numerous to mention, have ALL had birthday parties ruined by chaos, badness, bad hair days, halitosis, and herds of stampeding elephants!

          (PS, I might have wanted to mention that I am secretly a Scienfoologist, who wants to use this flute in my rituals.  That is, yes, it is true, I am a bit of a hamster.  But since all that kind of a thing is a bit embarrassing, I am going to mention NONE of it to you; I don’t want to come off as some sort of kook).

          Anyway… will the game wardens and good-government-type folks permit you to market such an elephant-repelling device?  I sure hope so!   If not, then…

 

          Sincerely, They’ll Pry My Elephant Repelling Flute From My Cold, Dead Hands!

 

 

LETTER TO NOSE-BLOWER-TOY-MAKER, FROM MIGHTLY WHITE ASPIRING NATIONAL-LEVEL POLITICIANESSA De VILLE

 

Dear customerservice@summitmedicalusa.com ,

 

          I was recently, temporarily, simultaneously afflicted with both clogged-up Eustachian tubes, and, can you believe it, an overbearing, inexplicable inability to pinch my own personal nose and blow on it.  One of my good and dear friends pointed me the way to www.earpopper.com , where, Lo and Behold, therein lay the solution to ALL of my problems!  You have CHANGED MY LIFE, FOEREVER!  Praises be!  (In summary, I paid y’all your well-deserved $199 for saving me the trouble of having to stoop so low as to being forced to, personally, pinch my own nose and personally blow on it, which would obviously be degrading to such an exalted and esteemed high-brow Personality as Myself.  And yes, all of my Eustachian nasal secretion depositions, colloquially known by the low-brow Neanderthals and blood-libel sufferers as “boogers”, have now cleared up, THANK YOU!).  Oh, and, yes, OF COURSE I got me a doctor’s prescription, as mandated by the All-Wise, All-Loving, and All-Knowing FDA, before getting myself one of your fine devices.

          But that’s not ALL that there is to this story…  Not by a long shot!  Not by a long, long, LONG shot, targeting ALL of those who might appear in my (strictly allegorical, you must understand) crosshairs!  Don’t retreat!  Re-load, I say!  So my “re-load”, in this case, is to say, I am NOT writing this letter merely to praise your most excellent and supreme, uber-medically-high-technological, booger-suppressors.  (Now please keep in mind that I COULD have substituted much fancier words than “booger”, here, by consulting my handlers, but, aren’t I the MOST endearingly back-to-the-pepples politician that you’ve ever seen?  Huh?  With my back-to-the-pepples-type talk, eh?).

          Well anyway, what I’m driving at, is that I have discovered yet ANOTHER most marvelous use for your device!  My good friend Kate Gooselust and I, and our various and almost-infinite assorted offspring, and offspring of offspring, were recently cavorting in the Alaskan outback, for weeks on end, single-handedly slaying moose in personal hand-to-hooves combat, and such-like womanly endeavors…  Alls whilst also rearing our baby grizzly cubs, wolverine kits, and such-like fearsome critters…  And at the end of it all, made the MOST awesome discovery!

          Now please excuse Me while I must momentarily hold you in suspense, for a brief topical side-trip.  There have been detractors of mine, they say that I am not generously broadminded, or that I don’t give proper credit, where credit is due, to the political opposition.  Well, that is just flat-out NOT true!  It is a LIE of the lame-stream media!

          So let me demonstrate my generousness to the opposition:  It has been said that I have been the only recent, meaning, in the last century or so, national-level politician-type leader-type personality, who is so down-to-earth as to know how to field-dress a moose.  Well, that may all very well be true.  But we MUST be broadminded and truthful!  So along those veins, we MUST generously and fairly mention that the esteemed national-level politician, Bill Clinton, would most certainly have been EXTREMELY skilled in ANY contest involving any sort of field UN-dressing of any moose!

          So, where was I going with all this?  Here:  At the end of many-many weeks of grueling, exhausting journeys through Alaskan wildernesses, accompanied ONLY by the TV camerapersons of lame-stream media-type tycoons who’d have been PERFECTLY willing to let us starve in the Alaskan outback, what with us being TOTALLY removed from any remotest of contact with civilization, out there…  At the almost-infinitely-stretched length of our supply chain, as we were gnawing, hyena-like, on the barely-cooked hip-bones of recently-slain moose carcasses…  I got to thinking, “Oh my GAWD, my paint on my nails has worn off!  And here we are, on intergalactic TV!  I am less than optimally pretty and states-womanly-like-looking!”  So I got out my nail polish, and polished them right up.  But then I needed to dry them.  Back-packing and all, I had NOT brought my hairdryer.  And it would have seemed, um, well, un-back-woods-womanly-like to go and ask the armies of TV camerapersons, and their helicopter-airlifted trailers full of emergency AC generators and luxury goods, to spot me an electric hairdryer.  And yes, I COULD have personally blown, me, myself, lung-powered, onto my own nails, to dry them.  But human breathe is moist, so doesn’t work well for drying things.  Worse yet, human breathe ALSO contains CO2, which my good buddy Al Gore despises, and I don’t want to, um, urinate off if you will, him and all of his anti-global-warming type followers, you know.  Using CO2 for such a non-essential purpose, on TV yet, it just wouldn’t look good, you know?

          So there I was, stuck, wondering just HOW I was going to dry my nails.  Then inspiration struck me!  I dug my ear-popper out of my backpack, and was set in a jiffy!  A small battery-powered air-blowing device was just EXACTLY what I needed!

          So in a nutshell, I am asking you this:  For all of us backpackers, with our strict limits on what we can carry into the remote outback, your tiny battery-powered device is just EXACTLY what we need!  When we are faced with an emergency need to dry our fingernails in a politically correct manner, see?  Can you PLEASE market your device for such purposes?  WITHOUT us having to get a prescription, and maybe for more like $30 or $40, not $199, if you can bypass all of our Medically Omnipotent Masters at the FDA?

          I had also been tempted to mention yet another new and little-known use of your device, by mentioning that what I REALLY want to do with your device, is to use it in secret Scienfoological rituals.  But I am NOT going to mention that, because I bet that even you could imagine just what kind of a field day that the lame-stream media would have with THAT one!

 

          Please Consider My Request, & Sincerely,

         

                              Sarah A. Palling

 

 

Hi all of you Billions and Billions (channeling Carl Sagan, AKA “Butthead Astronomer” here!!!  J ) of Scienfoological Fellow Believers!  (See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Apple_Inc._litigation#Libel_dispute_with_Carl_Sagan for the Butthead part).

 

Brief intermission from Me, the High and Holy High Priest / Priestess of Scienfoology (FDA-Worshipping Diocese), AKA  SQRLSy_1@ChurchofSQRLS.com  I am truly sorry to give you only ONE sample letter (email) about the battery-powered air pump thing.  Send me your own perspectives (sample emails) and I will be happy to post it, and your name, if you give me permission.  Or, you can come up with a creative “nom de plume” and I will use that…  Creative writing is ALWAYS welcomed at The Church of SQRLS!

Next, we move on to GENETICS TESTING…  All Hail to the Overlords at the FDA now…  And once again, I am going to give you only ONE sample email that you can copy and send out (please!).  And now I MUST apologize to ALL of My Fellow Devout Scienfoologists for what is to follow.  But I do understand.  I do understand that in these, the very earliest days of the soon-to-be-going-gangbusters  gangbustiers?...  gang-bang-bustiers?...  days of Scienfoology…  That SOME of us would-be, and should-be, PROUD followers of Scienfoology, are somewhat ASHAMED AND EMBARRASSED (yes, it is shocking, but true) about our True, Devoutly and Sincerely Held, Sacred Beliefs.  And so we make  POOPAST ( Purportedly, Ostensibly Other-Purposed Applications of Scienfoological Technology ), in the name of OTHER RELIGIONS!  Just chalk it up to the infancy of Scienfoology, and to our magnanimous, multi-cultural broad-mindedness, and move right along now…

 

                     

LETTER TO GENETICS TESTING COMPANY, FROM FAN OF FORTUNE-TELLING SERVICES

 

(The GOOD news now is, only one sample email here, yes, BUT, I have collected MANY sample email and snail-mail addresses of the involved greedy capitalists here.  Including their snail-mail addresses in your email to them, MAY possibly help them to take your message more seriously.  See below).

 

To / From Heading…

 

23andMe                                          Irate Person

1390 Shorebird Way                        369 Booger Park Way

Mountain View, CA 94043                Hells Bells, Kansas

650-938-6300                                       37692-5402

help@23andme.com                                    

bd@23andme.com                              
         

 

Dear 23andme,

 

blah etc.     … and / or…

 

DeCODE  Genetics               

Scientific Services                                    

Sturlugata 8                                             Very Irate Person 

IS-101 Reykjavik                                      297 Sugar Booger Avenue

Iceland                                                     Doodlywhomps, Illinois

    354-570-1900                                           BR549-5143

     services@decode.com                              
         

Dear DeCODE Genetics,

 

blah etc.     … and / or…

 

Illumina Inc.                                           

9885 Towne Centre Drive                      Panties-in-a-Wad Person

San Diego, CA 92121 USA                    529 Hemorrhoid Ointment Street

1.800.809.4566 toll-free                         Puke-Tipsy, New York 

pwalsh@illumina.com                                  43779-7564

jvelarde@illumina.com                             
pfromen@illumina.com         

info@illumina.com

 

Dear Illumina,

 

blah etc.     … and / or…

 

                                       

Knome, Inc.                                              Conniption Dude

1 Main Street, Suite 530                           354 Bodily Fluid Expressway 

 Cambridge, MA 02142                            Hole-In-The-Wall, East Dakota

      info@knome.com                                     23962-8822

      press@knome.com                               

                                                                 

Dear Knome,

 

blah etc.     … and / or…

                                      

Navigenics                                                Tired of the Taurus-Feces Person

1001 E. Hillsdale Blvd, Suite 550              56 Rotted Dog Carcass Way

 Foster City, CA 94404                              Smellville, Californicator

 (650) 585-7700                                                 86543-0099

 memberservice@navigenics.com                          

press@navigenics.com                                  

Dear Navigenics,

 

blah etc.     … and / or…  OK, now we finally get down to it, here is the body of the email, which semi-devout Scienfoologists are encouraged to send the above-named greedy capitalists…

 

Dear Greedy Capitalists Who Might Want to Tell Me My Genetic Fortune, If the Almighty Overlords at the FDA Would Only Allow Us to Do So at An Affordable, Un-regulated Price,

 

     I read in the newspaper that the FDA wants to regulate your genetics testing services, which will doubtlessly inflate the costs to us consumers.  Please accept my sympathies.

     Meanwhile, PLEASE consider my worthy suggestions here!  The SHORT version is simply this:  Set up a “Feng Shui Molecular Fortune-Telling Analysis” branch in China.  Tell you USA customers how to run a Q-Tip across the insides of their cheek linings, and where to send it in China.  Your Chinese subsidiary can then email or snail-mail the results back to the USA consumer, who is anxiously awaiting the results of the (obviously non-medical) analysis of the Feng Shui sooth-sayers in China.  They will examine the arrangements of the molecules on the Q-Tip, to say what they might tell of the fortunes of the USA consumer.  FDA problems solved!

     The slightly longer version here is this:  It offends me immensely that, in the names of simple freedom and religious freedom, I can pay (and get tax deductions for!) payments to the “Church” of Scientology, which will claim to help me fend off “engrams” via the use of an “E-Meter” (crude lie detector).  All they’d have to do is to re-name the “engrams” to “psychoses” and the “E-Meter” to “Psychometer” and the FDA would be all over their case!  You need to follow in the footsteps of the “Church” here, to give us consumers some freedom, and lower prices, please…  Then of course, I am also free to consult various totally un-scientific fortune-tellers, and the FDA gives me that freedom yet again.  Yet if I want to access the fruits of modern science, the FDA hinders me.  So…  You do the math, please!

    SURELY it is no crime for me to mail a dirty Q-Tip to China!   SURELY it is no crime for someone in China to email or snail-mail me about my fortunes!  So here is your possible, proposed verbiage to put on your flyers, web site, advertisements, etc.:  “Our company regrets to inform you that the FDA has inflated the costs of our USA-based genetics testing services.  If you appreciate the services of the FDA, you may purchase our well-regulated services in the USA for $700.  However, if you are primarily interested in costs savings, and are a follower of Eastern Mysticism, then in the name of religious freedom, our Chinese compatriots are willing to assist you.  They have meditated deeply about matters concerning the proper Feng Shui, and Chinese Buddhist, principles as they relate to the arrangements of molecules and atoms in your cheek linings.  Keep in mind that our Chinese brothers and sisters are NOT addressing matters of medicine, here, they are addressing spiritual principles.  So, regardless of your other spiritual beliefs, or lack thereof, if you are willing to sufficiently believe enough in Chinese Buddhism to send some of your cheek linings to China, then they will mail or email you your fortune predictions, for $400 (not $700).  We do not promise any scientific or medical accuracy here; this is simply a spiritual fortune-telling operation.  However, we do challenge anyone to see if they can put in two identical source samples, under different names and addresses, and get significantly different results.  We DO stand by the integrity of our spiritual fortune-telling operations.  Follow these instructions:   ….  Blah-blah-blah.”

          Actually, I am NOT a follower of Chinese or Eastern Mysticism of any sort, I am a follower of Scienfoology, and I would like for you to tell my effigy, at an affordable price, what its genetic fortune is.  But since lame-stream society might consider me a “whack job” for saying and believing such things, I am NOT going to tell you that!

    

                                                            Best Wishes,

                                                                 Irate Person, Etc.

 

Dear Monks of St. Joseph Abbey,  ( vcrouere@sjasc.edu )

 

I see in http://www.nola.com/crime/index.ssf/2012/06/st_joseph_abbey_monks_oppose_a.html , that Government Almighty wants to prohibit you from selling caskets.  I for one am VERY glad that Government Almighty is preventing you from endangering (possibly even KILLING!) cadavers in dangerously-made coffins.

However, I wanted to point out to you, that there are no prohibitions on the books (that I know of), against selling flower boxes, storage boxes, Halloween decorations, or even…  especially…  wooden boxes for feeding hay to horses, that just HAPPEN to be shaped like coffins for corpses.  I personally know many, many, MANY people who would just LOVE to buy wooden hay-is-for-horses-boxes, that happen to resemble coffins.  So I am hoping that you will fill our needs, see?

Now I do confess that I was tempted to mention to you that there are some of us who are Devout Followers of Scienfoology, and that we Scienfoologists (as has been documented at www.ChurchofSQRLS.com ; search for “horse” there) have special religious-ceremony needs for such hay boxes.  But I am NOT going to tell you that, because I don’t want for you to think that I am some sort of “whack job”!

 

Thanks for your time!     -  SQRLSY One

 

SAMPLES OF SUCKSAST

 

SUCKSAST,  in case you’ve forgotten, is Supplications Unto Czars and Kings of SHAMM, Applications of Scienfoological Technology.  Here’s some samples…  Creative writers are encouraged to make their own submissions to me at SQRLSy_1@ChurchofSQRLS.com … Well-written submissions will be posted here…

 

Is everybody in?  Let the Ceremony begin!    Let us now bow in prayer to Government Almighty, and may the FDA-Worshipping Session commence!

 

WHO TO WRITE THE EMAILS TO  fdadockets@oc.fda.gov; dsmica@fda.hhs.gov; ombudsman@cdrh.fda.gov; CDRHOmbudsman@fda.hhs.gov; and “Google” similar search-strings and find more, *fda.gov etc. …    You Scienfoological super-strivers who find bunches of more email addresses for us to FALL DOWN ON OUR KNEES AND WORSHIP TO, please email me…

Dear Shameless Government Parasite,

Now please, Dear Sir and/or Madam/Organism/Supposedly Intelligent Entity, please do NOT assume that my addressing You in this manner implies any sort of hostility whatsoever!  You see, in my religion of Scienfoology (FDA Worshipping Diocese, specifically), see www.ChurchofSQRLS.com , the Holy Title of “Shameless Government Parasite” is a WAY Highly Esteemed and even Sacred Title, One of Infinite Respect and Submission.  Parasites dwell in THE utter most uppermost station in the Pyramind Scheme of Things & Stuff, as You will discover, in the Sacred Space of Scienfoology, if only You will (please?) hit www.ChurchofSQRLS.com.  If, in a Spirit of Multicultural Magnanimousness, You will consider our perspective, You might find that we are merely giving You Your Proper Dues as Those Who Dwell On High in SHAMM.

In all honesty, I must confess that our popular culture does not hold “parasites” in high esteem.  But I must point out to You, parasites DO dwell On High, sucking the blood of even the most mighty predators upon the planet.  And we as Scienfoologists, do Respect and even, Yea Verily, WORSHIP those Who, like You, Do Dwell on High in SHAMM, who parasitize…  Let us please say it without shame…  Those weak and insignificant ones, bunny-waaabbit-like beings compared to the Overlording Wolves, like Yourselves  We are those who dwell in utter and abject inferiority under Your Benevolent Reign.  But…  More on this in a few moments…  We as humble Scienfoologists, depending, not on (GAWD-controlled) Medical Technology, but upon (irrational and therefor religiously free) Scienfoological, effigy-based rituals, do implore You, we do NOT need Your Approval for our (religiously free) Practices, and so therefore (but Respectfully), we submit to You, Your Regulations of us Scienfoologists is parasitical, offering no benefits to our (non-medical, obviously) effigies.  And so, even though the abject, huddled hordes of mere mortals who depend on conventional, medical, dangerous devices like the earpopper, do, yea verily, DESPERATELY need Your (and a physician’s) Morally, Medically, and Spiritually Superior Supervision before they should DARE to take it upon themselves to squirt a puff of air up their noses, we as humble Scienfoologists beseech of You, we should be free to do the same to the noses of our religious EFFIGIES, in a non-medical, ritual manner, free of Your Supervision (in the Name of Sacred Religious Freedom, of course).  And so Your Supervision of our devices, used in our Sacred Rituals, is, yea verily, “parasitical”, in that it burdens us, while offering us no benefits.  But…  That said…  ALWAYS please keep in mind, we as Scienfoologists, WORSHIP parasites such as Yourselves!

And so, in summary, please do NOT regard it as a sign of disrespect, when we as Scienfoologists address you as “Shameless Government Parasites”, because this is one of THE HIGHEST terms of adulation and honor that we as Scienfoologists can Bestow Upon Thee, Praises Be!

And now, on, to the main points of this email to Your Esteemed Selves:  ‘1)  Did You realize, that out here amongst some of Your benighted, abject subjects here in the hinterlands, far-far away from the Glories of SHAMM, SOME of Your subjects have arrogantly taken it upon themselves, sans blessings from ANY physicians or other GAWD-certified, medically and morally superior persons, to perform upon themselves, self-administered medical procedures, highly-highly similar to what can be done with the “earpopper”?  Yes, they do!!!  They pinch their noses, and blow on it, to pop their eardrums!!!  With ZERO say-so from GAWD, the FDA, and their physicians!!!    I’m sorry to bring such bad news to You, it truly troubles me…

As a devout Scienfoologist, I ***IMPLORE*** of You, and of GAWD, that more FDA regulations and even LAWS are clearly called for, here!  No nose-pinching, nose-blowing, or booger-picking of ANY kind, should be permitted, on the part of ANY medically ignorant savages, in this here USA, Land of the Free (free of medically self-inflicted malpractice, that is), and Home of the Brave!  Certainly NOT without a proper prescription, issued by a certified, educated, degreed, credentialed, and board-certified, EXPERT booger-picker-ologist!  Anything less than that, and we descend into medical malpractice barbarism, unknown since the days when NAZI “doctors” cut out sections of “patient’s” livers, to see what was the minimal sized liver that was needed for human life!

I don’t mean to insult Your Intelligence, but here are the manifold blessings that would ensue from Your Amended Policies on this matter… Clearly a win-win-win-win type of a situation:  ‘A) More Power and Glory for the FDA, what more need I say? …  Well, OK, maybe I should…  Just IMAGINE, You Glorious FDA Servants of GAWD, of Government Almighty, how MANY more Glorious Titles that You could garner for Yourselves!  The Nose Police, The Earpopper Police, The Booger Police, and even, The Almighty Nose-Blower Police!  The U.S. Supreme Court, w/o a doubt, will sanctify Your Sacred Efforts, because, after all, nose-blowing, etc., DOES affect the Sacred Interstate Commerce in handkerchiefs, a Sacred Power which is CLEARLY given to GAWD, by no less than the US Constitution!  ‘B) More office visits for Nose-Doctors and Nose-Picker-ologists, which would stimulate the economy, ‘C) The greedy insurance companies and the government, not consumers, would pay for it all, anyway, which stimulates the economy, ‘D) there would be more jobs for policemen, judges, lawyers, and jailers, in enforcing all of these kinds of laws, against heinous, law-breaking, un-authorized nose-pickers, and ‘E) when all of us workers have to spend half of our working days, waiting in the Doctor’s office for permission to pick our noses, this would obviously mean that our employers would have to hire that many more employees, to make up for our perpetually recurring absences, thereby solving unemployment!    Win-win-win-win-win, see what I mean!?!?!  So PLEASE consider my worthy proposals!!!

‘2)  Last but not least, though, we as Scienfoologists would like to know, HOW do we go about securing our Religious Liberties to buy earpoppers and such-like, medical-like devices, for NON-medical uses, in Sacred Religious Rituals, on our effigies, without un-needed FDA and physician interventions?

Most Highly Esteemed, Shameless Government Parasites, I do hope I have been properly, obsequiously deferential to Your Nobles Selves…  But please advise…

                                  Yours Truly,

                                      -Devout Scienfoologist

 

Dear Human Wolves, AKA fdadockets@oc.fda.gov; dsmica@fda.hhs.gov; ombudsman@cdrh.fda.gov; CDRHOmbudsman@fda.hhs.gov ;

Please, Dear Wolves, do NOT assume, by my addressing You as What You Truly Are, with respect to us poor, struggling, mere bunny waaabbits, that I as a Scienfoologist am agitating against You in ANY way at ALL!  And MOST certainly I, and the Church of Scienfoology (FDA Worshipping Diocese), would NOT want for You to misinterpret any of the Sacred Writings of us Scienfoologists and of Our Church, in ANY way!  So in brief introductory summary, let me say that, unlike in lame-stream society…  To borrow a phrase from the Esteemed Sarah Palin…  “Human Wolves”, in Scienfoology parlance, is a term of GREAT Honor, unlike what it may sound like, to ears un-trained in the Deep Thoughts of Scienfoological Theology, disrespect of Your Most Esteemed Wolfliness.  So this is NOT what is intended here…  But rather, we as Scienfoological bunny waaabbits mean to WORSHIP the Wolves Who Dwell in The Sacred Food Chain Above the mere bunnies, like us.  So PLEASE keep that straight!  See www.ChurchofSQRLS.com for details, please!

Not to belabor these points too terribly much, but I must ALSO must point out to You, that we as Scienfoologists are NOT “anti-FDA”, nor do we regard You High and Holy FDA Types Who Do Dwell In Utmost Glory in SHAMM, as displaying any kind of FDA stupidity, or FDA arrogance, or FDA foolishness, or FDA power piggery, or FDA idiocy, or FDA lame-brainedness, or FDA inanity, or FDA retardedness, or FDA brainlessness, or FDA fascism, or FDA childishness, or FDA silliness, or sheer and utter FDA nincompoopishness.  We as Scienfoologist just utterly and totally adore and even WORSHIP You FDA GAWDs and GAWDesses!    You are NOT FDA pigs, or FDA idiots, or FDA tyrants, or FDA dictators, or FDA NAZIs, or FDA fascists, or FDA dipshits, or FDA nincompoops, or FDA power pigs, or FDA retards, or FDA morons, or FDA imbeciles, or evil FDA bureaucrats, or useless FDA parasites, or even FDA bastards.    And by the way, I must now, as Scienfoology leader SQRLSy_1@ChurchofSQRLS.com , apologize, to you, Dear Reader, who might be wanting to use this email template in Your Sacred Scienfoology Rituals of SUCKSAST…  Yes, I have gotten side-tracked a bit, I do confess.  You see, by putting in all of those preceding internet-search-phrase-type search-string candidates in there just above here, I have added to Our Sacred Web Site, some “distraction bait”, if you will.  All those EVIL humanoids and humanoid impersonators out there, who HATE the FDA, and who search for web sites that disrespect Our Precious Ones, will now waste their time!!! He-he-he, har-har-har, Bwah-ha-ha, I chuckle gleefully and derisively in your general direction, you HATERS you, I have made you waste your ill-begotten time by making you hit a web site that actually WORSHIPS the FDA!!!  J Praises Be to GAWD On High in SHAMM!!!    So again, Dear Reader, I apologize for the rambling semi-detour.  Feel free to strip this part out of your SUCKSAST emails, when you use these (obviously divinely INSPIRED) writings as a template for FDA-worshipping.  But, before I leave this little diversion here, let me make one other suggestion along similar lines (of “baiting” our EVIL opponents):  We as Scienfoologists just LOVE and ADORE Big Daddy Government Almighty (GAWD), and are the ideological enemies of those EVIL small-government types!  I sure hope that this one small diversion of mine, into political honesty, will not eventually cost Scienfoology it’s Official Blessing from GAWD, as a “real” religion!  But…  Devout Scienfoologists, I hereby issue a “fatwa” upon the EVIL small-government types, and this is how it works:  Every year, Devout Scienfoologists are commanded to send $1.00…  One Dollar, no more and no less…  To each of the following:  The Institute for Justice, = www.IJ.org , Cato at www.cato.org , and Reason at www.reason.com .  If you will send them $1/year each year, faithfully, I am QUITE sure that these most EVIL small-government fascists will all spend $50/year trying to get you to send them MORE money, and then we as GAWD-fearing Scienfoologists will WIN!!!  Yee-Haw!!!  (Back to business now).

So Dearest Almighty FDA GAWDs and GAWDesses, please do not mistakenly regard us Scienfoologists, with our use of specialized, technical Scienfoological jargon (which flows contrary to popular conventions and connotations in terminologies; ie., a “Human Wolf” or a “Shameless Government Parasite”, is a term of endearment, and even of WORSHIP, not of derision, now!), as being in ANY way, anti-FDA!  And MOST CERTAINLY the Church of Scienfoology would NEVER advocate ANY sort of violence or threats or intimidation, against the Servants of GAWD, such as Yourselves!  So no, we do NOT advocate sending to the FDA, packets of finely milled anthrax germs, or flour even, or tinkling into the cheerios of such Esteemed Worthies as Yourselves, or exhibiting ANY kind disrespect towards You.  So even though you are Human Wolves and we are merely human bunny waaabbits in comparison, SOME of us mere bunny waaabbits favor Those Who Prey Upon Us, such as Yourselves.  (In all honestly, it’s mostly because some of us mere bunnies lust after getting a Government Almighty Job, and being promoted to Elevated Stations in Life, such as what You enjoy…  But I was hoping to NOT attract too terribly much attention to that side of things, so please keep this aspect of things on the Q-T side, if you will).

In any case, let me please reiterate that we Scienfoologists are WAY strongly opposed to ANY kinds of violence…  EXCEPT, of course, if it has been approved of by GAWD!  If the voters have voted for the politicians who have appointed the bureaucrats who have anointed the bureaucrats who have appointed the bureaucrats who have appointed the anointed bureaucrats who have approved of the violence, then OF COURSE the ultimate Holy Power of Democracy (through only that tiniest connection to The Will of The People) has cleansed ALL of the ugliness and evil, away from coercion and violence!  GAWD’s violence is HOLY!  And we Devout Scienfoologists just ADORE GAWD’s violence!  Me personally, when I see on TV, those beloved “cops” shows, with the militarized heroes smashing down doors, and shooting people, and making the little babies and little kids cry and scream, as Mommy and Daddy are dragged away into the night and fog, for having smoked a joint…  Well, I just have me some small involuntary orgasms, now and then, watching those kinds of things, it just fills me with that much sheer JOY, seeing GAWD’s Holy Violence at work!  THAT would be a Glorious Job that I’d just LOVE to have, frankly, if only I could get a promotion from mere bunny waaabbitness!    Then there’s also, GAWD’s Holy Violence worldwide, spreading “freedom from drugs” to all the benighted peasants in Latin America, and in Afghanistan, where these dastardly peasants like to grow crops that earn them the most money, so as to be able to feed their children, those greedy, grabbing ^#$%*@&$-blanketty-blanks, and invading hordes of illegal humans, and what-not, there’s just SO many opportunities for GAWD’s Servants to spread GAWD’s Sacred Violence, world-wide, in the military forces.  But that opportunity for the mere human bunny waaabbits to be promoted to Human Wolves, is open only to YOUNG bunnies…  Isn’t that age discrimination, by the way!?!?!...  So what about all of us geezers, now?!?!  (Now to be clear and honest, I must confess that I do not personally lust after joining GAWD’s military forces; they get shot back at!  Too much danger there…  I want, rather, to be a super-hero like You FDA Wolves, so that I can join You when You kick down the doors at the old folks’ homes, and wrest the un-prescribed “lung flutes” out of the wretched claws of heinous law-breaking, lung-sputum-drenched, hacking and wheezing old grannies).

Next, Dearest FDA Human Wolves, I would like to take what might at first appear to be a small detour.  But we will wrap back around to the matters at hand, trust me…  I wanted to point out that You, in Your Wisdom, have protected us mere, medically ignorant savages and waaabbits, from the horrors of things like blowing on un-prescribed, cheap plastic flutes, see http://www.medicalacoustics.com .  But now, PLASE stop and think about it, HOW MANY people, young innocent people in high school marching bands even, are blowing on all sorts of “musical instruments”, which in reality are ALSO “medical instruments”?  I am willing to BET that some of the sound waves of these so-called “musical instruments”, just like those of the “lung flute”, have been known, from time to time, to emit sound waves that help knock un-wanted mucus loose from the lungs and throats of the blowers!  AND THEY HAVE NO DOCTOR’S PRESCRIPTIONS!!!  The HORRORS of it all!  I know, I know, this is TERRIBLE to contemplate, but please bear with me, as we go further still.  We ALSO must deal with the raw, naked, brutal fact, that medically un-educated barbarians throughout our lands, are permitted, prescription-free, to emit sounds (hacking, wheezing, coughing), to knock unwanted mucus loose from their lungs, bronchial tubes, and throats, WITHOUT the use of ANY of these medical instruments!  These wanton barbarians, too, are BEGGING to be properly restrained, in the name of GAWD, and of Civilization, and of All That Is Holy!!!     And further yet, still, I would ALSO point out to you, (innocent readers please avert your eyes), SOME barbarians are SCRATCHING THEIR OWN BEHINDS, sans prescriptions from board-certified dermatologists and proctologists!  Come ON now, you know, there’s a lot of DELICATE TISSUES down there, in those nether regions!

So Dearest FDA Human Wolves, PLEASE direct your attentions towards remedying Your above omissions!  And THEN maybe, you can hire MORE “Federal Flute Police”, and “Federal Marching Bands Police”, and “Federal Hacking and Wheezing Police”, and “Federal Butt-Scratching Police”, and maybe even ME, I would just LOVE a job like that!!!    And, of course, THAT would SURELY stimulate the heck out of our faltering economy!  And if You’ve GOT to hire gazillions more Federal What-Not Police, sooner or later, I could get one of those cushy, high-paying jobs, and get my promotion to Human Wolf!

So finally, Dearest Wolves, I do have two (2) questions for You: ‘1)  What TV stations shall I watch, so that I can see You Glorious Federal Flute Police knocking down doors to bust the barbarian un-prescribed-lung-flute-blowers?  As I have mentioned, I REALLY-REALLY just LOVE those “cops” shows with the battered-down doors and the screaming babies, but I have never seen “lung flutes” mentioned there…  Which channel shall I watch?

          ‘2)  What about us as Scienfoologists, who want to use lung flutes and such-like, medical-LIKE, not TRULY “medical”, but rather, RELIGIOUS, artifacts, in our Scienfoological Religious Rituals?  Just HOW do we Scienfoologists go about securing our Religious Liberty to buy “lung flutes” without interference from You FDA Wolves, and from physicians?

          Please Advise, Oh High and Holy Ones…

          Sincerely,

                    FDA-Admiring Scienfoologist

 

  (Perhaps, GAWD Willing) more samples of SUCKSAST to follow later, please stay tuned…

 

SAMPLES OF FARTSUCK

 

FARTSUCK,  in case you’ve forgotten, is Fears About Retrograde Tendencies, Supplications Unto Czars and Kings.  Here’s a sample…  Creative writers are encouraged to make their own submissions to me at SQRLSy_1@ChurchofSQRLS.com … Well-written submissions will be posted here…

Dear Almighty Czars and Kings, AKA fdadockets@oc.fda.gov; dsmica@fda.hhs.gov; ombudsman@cdrh.fda.gov; CDRHOmbudsman@fda.hhs.gov ;

I was much encouraged to see You Almighty Benevolent Despots helping the Wolves to devour the Bunny Waaabbits, as is GAWD’s Will, obviously, when I read about Makena in http://abcnews.go.com/Health/WomensHealth/price-preventing-premature-births-skyrockets-drug/  GAWD is always right, and anything else is utter foolishness.  Praises Be Unto GAWD and His FDA, I say!  It is OBVIOUSLY the GAWD-given RIGHT of the “free market” wolves (“KV Pharmaceutical”) to appeal to GAWD, to be allowed to multiply a hundred-fold, the costs of an already-marketed and proven drug, so as to be able to devour the bunny waaabbits (consumers & other pharmacies).

But then…  Worshipful as I am, in the Face of Your Almightiness, You Czars and Kings…  I was greatly disappointed to read in http://www.cleveland.com/nation/index.ssf/2011/03/fda_moves_to_undercut_huge_pri.html that You In Your Almightiness had decreed that the carrots shall devour the bunny waaabbits, and that the bunny waaabbits shall devour the wolves!?!?!?!  “KV Pharmaceutical” and the FDA, both wolves, shall obey the will of the bunny waaabbits, who desire that the free market should be able to offer lower prices?  What’s next, are you going to decree that the inmates shall run the asylum?!?!   I do fear that You have become ensnared in Retrograde Tendencies!  Enough is enough!

I do sincerely beg of you Czars and Kings to forgive my impertinence, but, you see, I stand on the High And Holy Ground of Sincere Religious Worship!  I belong to the Church of Scienfoology (FDA Worshipping Diocese), see www.churchofSQRLS.com , and it is one of our Most Sacred Rites, to engage in FARTSUCK, which is to express our Fears About Retrograde Tendencies, Supplications Unto Czars and Kings   And so here You go, here is your FARTSUCK of the day!

So PLEASE reverse Yourselves!  PLEASE do not let the inmates run the asylum!

          Yours Sincerely,

                    -Devout Scienfoological Believer

 

*** Sample FARTSUCK #2, Concerning Labeling of Medical Tubes, & Dead Bunny Waaabbits V/S The Profits of Medical-Device Manufacturers ***

Dear Almighty Czars and Kings, AKA fdadockets@oc.fda.gov; dsmica@fda.hhs.gov; ombudsman@cdrh.fda.gov; CDRHOmbudsman@fda.hhs.gov ;

I was much encouraged to see You Almighty Benevolent Despots helping the Wolves to devour the Bunny Waaabbits, as is GAWD’s Will, obviously, when I read in http://www.nytimes.com/2010/08/21/health/policy/21tubes.html that you keep on stone-walling, at the behest of medical device makers, about labeling (or making non-cross-pluggable) oxygen tubes v/s food tubes v/s blood-infusion tubes.  In the aircraft and nuclear-power industries, the cross-pluggability of incompatible (dangerous!) different voltages or gasses or fluids (through simple operator error) would NEVER be tolerated.  Yet in hospitals, sleepy or sloppy nurses are free to pump air or food into the veins of patients (killing patients), because of cross-pluggable tubes.  You (GAWD’s Holy Warriors) have righteously and justifiably refrained from harming the profit margins of the wolves, and so the bunnies must die; this is just GAWD’s Will, is all.  Plain and simple…  Even so much as standardizing on a green stripe down the sides of clear tubes for food tubes, v/s red for liquids for the blood infusions, v/s blue for oxygen for the lungs; these, too, would cut into the profits of the wolves.  The bunnies must be devoured by the wolves; all else is madness.  So far, so good!

But then the article referred to here, implies that at SOME supposedly “sunny day” years or decades hence (after all nations on the Earth agree to the common new scheme of things), these tubes will be clearly labeled!  Maybe even made non-cross-pluggable!  Have Y’all considered just WHAT this might do to the profit margins of the wolves!??!  What’s next, are the bunnies to devour the wolves!?!?!  This is CLEARLY against GAWD’s Will!!!

I do sincerely beg of you Czars and Kings to forgive my impertinence, but, you see, I stand on the High And Holy Ground of Sincere Religious Worship!  I belong to the Church of Scienfoology (FDA Worshipping Diocese), see www.churchofSQRLS.com , and it is one of our Most Sacred Rites, to engage in FARTSUCK, which is to express our Fears About Retrograde Tendencies, Supplications Unto Czars and Kings   And so here you go, here is your FARTSUCK of the day!

So PLEASE continue in your steadfast and devoted stone-walling efforts on the behalf of medical device manufacturers, who might be slightly inconvenienced by having to label their medical tubes!  So what if a few bunny waaabbits are devoured by a few wolves now and then, that is obviously GAWD’s Will!  Let’s just KEEP it that way, and keep on following GAWD’s Will!  What’s next, are we going to pervert and invert Nature, and mandate that the carrots shall devour the bunny waabbits?!?!!  PLEASE do not let the inmates run the asylum!

          Yours Sincerely,

                    -Devout Scienfoological Believer

 

*** Sample FARTSUCK #3, Concerning FDA Not Sufficiently Protective Of Us Medically Ignorant Knaves & Fools ***

Dear Almighty Czars and Kings, AKA fdadockets@oc.fda.gov; dsmica@fda.hhs.gov; ombudsman@cdrh.fda.gov; CDRHOmbudsman@fda.hhs.gov ;

 

I just read at http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/11205/1162580-114.stm?cmpid=news.xml that you Czars and Kings are going to protect us from almost any new smartphone applications that might help us out with health matters.  For this, I must, of course, Worship and Commend Thee!  However, I ALSO noticed that you are NOT going to regulate smartphone apps that help you to track what you eat, or what you weigh, and so forth.  I don’t know HOW you expect us ignorant peons to manage such obviously medically dangerous devices!  It seems to me that ALL computers, and even pens and pencils and paper, should be heavily regulated, and be by prescription only!  Even the mirrors that we use to inspect our healthy or un-healthy appearances with; these, too, are obviously “medical devices”.  For medical uses at least…  Scienfoologists, see www.churchofSQRLS.com, though, should be exempt from ALL requirements for prescriptions, in the name of (irrational) religious freedoms.

 

I do humbly hereby appeal to Your Better Instincts, and BEG of You to protect ALL of us poor fools from ALL dangerous, un-prescribed medical devices!  Please do not fall into Retrograde Tendencies; this is why I do hereby anoint You with this here FARTSUCK (an act of Scienfoological Worship).

 

          Yours Sincerely,

                    -Devout Scienfoological Believer

*** Sample FARTSUCK #4; FDA Caves when Confronted by Congress; Approves Robotic Melafind, Ignores Poor Down-Trodden, Oppressed Human Physicians  ***

Dear Almighty Czars and Kings, AKA fdadockets@oc.fda.gov; dsmica@fda.hhs.gov; ombudsman@cdrh.fda.gov; CDRHOmbudsman@fda.hhs.gov ;

          I see in  http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052970204010604576592912021301264.html that you have valiantly, heroically fought a “seven year battle” against the greedy ogres and capitalists at “Melafind Sciences”, who would be so DASTARDLY as to market an automated technology as to become 98% effective at accurately identifying human skin cancers, v/s the experts of expertology, the licensed, degreed, and board-certified dermatologists, who come in with a MUCH better, 80% effectiveness rating at visually identifying such things…  But who possess the MUCH superior humans-only skills of sucking butt and making contributions to regulators and well-placed politicians…  And you have CAVED IN to those who favor the mere bunny waaabbitts of mere mortal human medical consumers!!!  Totally ignoring the needs of the degreed, credential-bearing Expertologists!!!???!!! What’s next, are you going to favor that the waaabbitts should eat the wolves, and that the carrots should eat the waabbitts?!?!?  That the inmates should rule the madhouse!?!?!  I’m sorry to be less than totally Worshipful of You Government Almighty Servants, but my conscience as a Scienfoologist demands no less!  Ich Kann Nichts Anders!!!”

          Yes, I do see that, at least, as shown in http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/45197923/ns/health-cancer/t/new-device-uses-light-screen-melanoma/ , that You have at least SOMEWHAT redeemed Yourselves, and decreed that mere general practitioners…  with a mere half a gazillions years of studying and practicing medicine…  Are obviously WAY too stupid to wield such dangerous instruments.  Only the professional DERMATOLOGISTS will be allowed to use tools to become truly accurate in protecting us knaves and fools with such new toys!       

So yes, you have held the lines at least a LITTLE bit…  GAWD forbid that the mere mortal family doctor should become more accurate at identifying skin cancers! …  But, I do fear that you are caving in too much, favoring the mere robots over the Human Experts of Expertology!  You are, sad to say, deserving of this Hereby Bestowed Scienfoological Award concerning our Fears About Retrograde Tendencies, Supplications Unto Czars and Kings   And so here You go, here is your FARTSUCK of the day!

          Yours Worshipfully,

                    -Devout Scienfoological Believer

 

*** Sample FARTSUCK #5; FDA Buckles, Approves Heart Assist Pump for Infants, Mere 6 Years of Studying After German Infants Are Allowed to Live  ***  Also for more perspective on this or similar matters see http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052970204831304576597200095602270.html

Dear Almighty Czars and Kings, AKA fdadockets@oc.fda.gov; dsmica@fda.hhs.gov; ombudsman@cdrh.fda.gov; CDRHOmbudsman@fda.hhs.gov ;

I see in  http://www.chron.com/opinion/outlook/article/A-landmark-for-children-s-health-2431678.php#page-2 for example, that as of 2005, human infants in Germany (AKA “bunny waabbits” in Scienfoology parlance) have been allowed to benefit (AKA “live”) due to some new German heart-assist pumps.  You, the FDA (Praises Be!) have wisely made USA doctors spend an additional 6 years, and who knows how many dollars, to delay such benefit to USA bunny waaabbits, because USA bunny waabbits are, through the obvious will of GAWD, to be kept in their proper place, to serve as prey to the Esteemed Human Wolves such as Yourselves, who do feast upon them by delaying medical products and services, in the interests of Your Own Power and Glory, Forever and Ever, Amen (Praises Be!).  Also I do believe that the directors of funeral parlors are going to have to re-calculate their balance books, now that you have cut into their profit margins (by prematurely approving of this “new” medical device, of course).  Do you ever consider the impacts of Your decisions upon the national economy?  Couldn’t you have delayed this decision for a few MORE years, to benefit the dietary needs of Yourselves and Hangers-On? What’s next, are the bunnies to devour the wolves!?!?!  This is CLEARLY against GAWD’s Will!!!

I do sincerely beg of you Czars and Kings to forgive my impertinence, but, you see, I stand on the High And Holy Ground of Sincere Religious Worship!  I belong to the Church of Scienfoology (FDA Worshipping Diocese), see www.churchofSQRLS.com , and it is one of our Most Sacred Rites, to engage in FARTSUCK, which is to express our Fears About Retrograde Tendencies, Supplications Unto Czars and Kings   And so here you go, here is your FARTSUCK of the day!

So what if a few bunny waaabbits are devoured by a few wolves now and then, that is obviously GAWD’s Will!  Let’s just KEEP it that way, and keep on following GAWD’s Will!  What’s next, are we going to pervert and invert Nature, and mandate that the carrots shall devour the bunny waabbits?!?!!  PLEASE do not let the inmates run the asylum!

          Yours Sincerely,

                    -Devout Scienfoological Believer

 

APPOSTASY, SAMPLE EMAIL(s)

 

APPOSTASY,  in case you’ve forgotten, is the Scienfoological Act of Worship which consists of writing emails to internet pharmacies (and other providers) appealing to the long-forgotten Religious Liberties of Scienfoological Believers.  APPOSTASY stands for Application to Potential Providers Of Scienfoological Technology for the Acquisition of Sacrificial Yummies.  Yeah, that’s pretty obvious, I didn’t mean to insult your intelligence, Dear Readers, please do read on…  All You Faithful, in All of Your Millions…

First off, Dear Readers, please do NOT allow your imagination to limit yourselves!  What is it that your heart desires?!?  Viagra?  Pain pills?  “Life forever”? Cure for cancer?  “Costs reduced”?  “FDA, Suck My Hemorrhoids”?  Whatever it is, PLEASE learn how to use the “Google” (or other) search engines!  Just type in what you want, and, if your want a SPECIFIC sequence of words, put it in quotes!  .. . +Viagra +”raging hard-on” +”Hillary Clinton” +”Margaret Thatcher”, whatever it is that you want!   Geez-um, peoples, with that specific search string, I just got 2 hits!  OK, let’s try another one… +”pain pills” +”Viagra” …  About 3,790,000 results (0.32 seconds)” says The Google!!!  There you go!  My Most Lovely (married or unmarried?  Does GAWD approve of Our Marriage?  I’m NOT Telling!!!) agrees with ME that the whole thing is utterly absurd!    Anyway, for advertising for this quote-unquote “niche market” of people who want to buy things that GAWD does NOT approve of (unless you have properly followed THE GAWD-blessed, sanctioned & sanctified, appropriate rituals of sucking the hemorrhoids of the High Priests and Authorities, and getting prescriptions, etc., etc., etc.), “The Google” is going to be sent to the torture chamber of GAWD’s Holy Inquisition (read, GAWD and His Holy Lawyers are going to bleed Google dry of a half of a billion dollars or more, read http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748704083904576335483063623402.html ).  If you disagree with this heavy-handedness of the GAWD that rules us all…  And if you agree with us POOR faithful followers of the mystical church of Scienfoology…  Then PLEASE write the below (or similar) emails to the 3,790,000 web sites that will gladly fill your needs!

PS, all of you millions of Devoted Followers, but I must briefly first digress a wee tad, and discuss a slightly delicate, related topic:  That is, how does a devout Scienfoologist acquire a PRESCRIPTION for a drug bought from an internet pharmacy?  Yes, we all know that we Scienfoologists should have the religious liberty to acquire drugs, or fake drugs, or play drugs, for “sacrificial” uses with our effigies (since we do not personally consume them), WITHOUT a prescription.  But, as we still struggle valiantly for more wide-spread and perhaps even some sunny day, “official” Sanction from Government Almighty, most internet pharmacies are still going to require a “prescription” from you, as you seek your Sacrificial Yummies (some providers may be more fastidious or persnickety in validating your prescription than others, I might add).

 

Anyway, we Devout Scienfoologists have several options:

 

‘1)  We might spend lots of our money (or GAWD’s money, or your insurance company’s money), and hours and hours out of busy work-days waiting in Doctors’ offices…  And get a prescription, even though (as religious, ritual, sacrificial users) we shouldn’t have to.  Spending these hours away from our work-place, for those of us old-fashioned Scienfoologists who still believe in this archaic fashion called “working”, can endanger our “jobs”, though, so caution is advised…  I do advise, though, that for the time being, if you chose this method, that you REFRAIN from mentioning to your esteemed physician, that you intend to use your “drugs”, um, “for ritual or sacrificial use only”, since GAWD’s Mercies on physicians, in such circumstances, are not yet clear.  A small omission in confessions to your physician, about your exact intentions for the exact mode of use for your “drugs”, MIGHT be allowed by Government Almighty, I think…  I haven’t checked with a lawyer, yet, though, so I suggest you talk to your family lawyer…

 

‘2)  You could forgo your spiritual needs for ritual and sacrificial needs for “drugs” for your effigy, possibly for a long-long time.  You could wait and wait and wait, for Scienfoological exemption from prescription requirements to be allowed, by GAWD.  You could agitate for such status (prime example being, engage in APPOSTASY, see further below).    Sad to say, I must now continue on, to CONDEMN a certain approach, in any such agitation, as I have regrettably learned is currently becoming fashionable in some heretical sub-circles within Scienfoology:  That is to say, that some HAM-filled Scienfoologists have known to grumble about so-called “rent-seeking” or “gate-keeping” amongst providers of goods and services.  “They” (whose names, being anathema, shall NOT be mentioned) say that doctors just want money, for being trolls under the bridge.  They even agitate against the growing movement amongst EEs (Electronics Engineers or Electrical Engineers) to demand that GAWD should demand that any prospective purchaser of a PC or a stereo, or a television, should FIRST be required to get a PRESCRIPTION for said device, from a degreed, credentialed, and board-certified EE, lest the ignorant consumer be abused.  That this movement is just YET ANOTHER example of self-seeking, obstructionist trolls at work.    Well, I, as Head Scienfooloigst (of the FDA-Worshipping Diocese, certainly, at least) hereby condemn as calumny, defamation, and HAM, any such pessimistic and cynical utterances about physicians and EEs!  Any legal requirements for permits, fees, licenses, degrees, credentials, and certifications, even for interior decorators and flower arrangers, coffin-makers, bug-sprayers, lawn-mowers, hair braiders, and other dangerous professionals, from GAWD, must be WORSHIPPED, just as we worship Government Almighty Itself!  We as Scienfoologists just respectfully request “religious freedom” exemptions, is all…

          Although I would ALSO add that, under the eventuality that the EEs of the USA or of the World Benevolent Government, DO yea verily get Government Almighty to require so-called “gate-keeping” for the purchase of electronic gear…  Or, that electronic gear, being stimulative to the brain, and antithetical to Alzheimer’s degradation of the brain, and therefor “medical devices”, requiring a regular physician’s prescription…  That we as ritual-use, effigy-using Scienfoologists, should OF COURSE (in the Sacred Name of Religious Freedom) should be exempt from such prescription requirements, since we will purchase such electronic devices ONLY for the ritual use on our effigies!  (All else is HAM, needless to say!).  I have room on my web site for digital photos of Scienfoology effigies enjoying the use of the PCs, TVs, and stereos, please send your photos (appropriately labeled) to at SQRLSy_1@ChurchofSQRLS.com

 

‘3)  You could pray to GAWD that GAWD will come into your soul/brain/awareness, and speak the name and address and web site and phone number, of a real physician somewhere in the real physical universe…  Say, Dr. Mackery Muse, of Ditzneyworld of Californicator, USA…  Prescribes drug XYZ to you, AKA Devout Scienfoological Believer.  And that GAWD should guide your fingers as you type the Devinely Given Characters into your keyboard.  Then print it out…  Leave a blank for the signature, _____.   Then PRAY YOUR SWEET POLYSACCHARIDE PATOOTIE OFF, that GAWD will Devinely (perhaps even Cosmically or, at the VERY least, Inter-Galactically) Intercede on Your Behalf, and (miraculously of course) cause a signature to appear on your print-out.  Then scan it and send it off to your internet pharmacy.  I cannot, in my WILDEST dreams, imagine that an internet pharmacy would  be SO arrogant as to doubt Devine Provenance Itself!  And CERTAINLY a freedom-loving GAWD would NEVER prosecute you, if you can demonstrate, in court, that GAWD HIMSELF/HERSELF/ITSELF, did Yea Verily cause your prescription to become signed!  But PLEASE consult your lawyer on such matters, I just cannot say for sure…

          I must confess, I personally have tried this route, and the signature did NOT appear.  Perhaps my faith, even yea verily as Your Faithful Leader, is simply NOT strong enough!  I am truly sorry to thus spill my intimate and fallible guts to you, but thus I must…  As Martin Luther said, “Ich Kann nicht anders”….

 

‘4)  You could perhaps find some person somewhere…  I would suggest perhaps seeking out a member of some up-standing, good-of-the-community-seeking, civic association/activist group such as ACORN…  Who could proclaim themselves to be a “Doctor” (P.H.D., Doctorate Degree, holder) of some Deeply Respected Religion, perhaps even Scienfoology Itself…  I am ***NOT*** volunteering, personally, to perform such services, being a GAWD-fearing humanoid, “I can do no other”, see http://www.proz.com/kudoz/german_to_english/idioms_maxims_sayings/15753-hier_stehe_ich_kann_nicht_anders.html ...  And I would add, that, in the Sacred Name of Religious Freedom, many states of the USA have refrained from regulating “religious schools” and the awarding of “religious degrees” up to and including “Doctor” of Theology, in the Sacred Name of Separation of Church and State…  I’ll just BET that if you tried REALLY-REALLY HARD, you could find a “Doctor” SOMEWHERE, to sign your prescription!  Even in the Sacred Name, perhaps, of Dr. Mackery Muse, of Ditzneyworld of Californicator, USA!!!    But PLEASE consult your lawyer first; I am too broke to get legal advice on your behalf!

 

‘5)  You could sign your prescription yourself, as an act of “civil disobedience”.  Beware, if you chose this route, that you should prepare yourself for up to decades worth of GAWD’s Wrath!  This is also known as HAM in Scienfoology…  GAWD is NOT to be trifled with!  GAWD loves you SOOO Much, that GAWD is absolutely, iron-clad, MANDATED, in such circumstances (***IF*** you get caught), to send you to the hoosegow, FOR YOUR OWN GOOD!  Ain’t it just GRAND, that GAWD loves us just SO utterly much!?!??!  And need I add, that I, as Chief Scienfoologist and Bottle-Washer, FORBID you from such activities?  You infernal HAMSTERS you?!?!  I only mention this option as a matter of academic completeness…  NOT as a RECOMMENDATION, for GAWD’s Sake, now!!!

 

Back, now, to APPOSTASY…

Sample email addresses to which you may want to address your emails…  Contains rationales for legality of such Religious Rites and Rights…

Suggestion for Better Advertising Methods for You; Cater to the Church of Scienfoology, Please!

Dear customerservice@healthsol.net; feedback@healthsol.net; info@healthsol.net    (Dear Worshippers, it’s hard to find more of these email addresses; the easier thing to do, is to open the relevant web site, and PATCH IN your text to their support function, often.  These WUSSES are often afraid of the very same SPAM emails that they so willingly export!  Can you BELIEVE that?!?!!  AND, can you believe this?!  Some internet pharmacies post an email address the one day, and the next, there’s no response??!  Can you say, “fly by night”?).

 

APPOSTASY sample email #1:

 

          Dear On-Line Pharmacy,

 

          The following is a summary of an important idea submitted to be submitted your marketing / advertising folks, “gratis” (free), for your benefit; PLEASE forward to your marketing people!  (It is also for the religious-freedoms benefits of the Church of Scienfoology, truth be told; see www.churchofsqrls.com for further details).

 

          It has come to my attention, see http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748704083904576335483063623402.html , that many of you on-line pharmacies are having a hard time of things, getting Google to allow you to buy advertising space on Google.  The following is a helpful suggestion to you, for enabling you to access such advertisement services (and yes, once again, truth be told, it DOES yea verily, ideally, if allowed by Government Almighty, AKA GAWD, also allow Scienfoologists to access greater religious freedoms, which is a central, if self-interested, objective of this email).    In summary, we Scienfoologists wish to access (buy) RITUAL, SACRIFICIAL (“play”) drugs, with which to conduct ritual (religious) ceremonies, with our religious effigies.  In the Sacred Name of Religious Freedoms, Government Almighty will, without a doubt, allow you to advertise sacrificial (“play”) Viagra, pain pills, etc., to followers of our new but rapidly-advancing religion!  Thereby escaping the Wrath of the Almighty Regulators…  And if NOT, then, may I helpfully suggest, you can SUE Google, for infringing on religious freedoms!  For discriminating against Scienfoology and similar religions!  (Oh, yes, and, of course, while Scienfoology shoppers are discretely shopping for play / ritual / sacrificial Viagra and pain pills and the like, in the Sacred Name of Religious Freedom, then your OTHER customers may also hit your same web site, for the REAL stuff, methinks…  Just an idea…).

 

          Lest you think me to be crazy, here are your further details and comparisons:  The Church of Scientology has, for years and years, marketed the services of an “E-Meter”, which otherwise might be called a “medical device”, and has, thereby, escaped FDA regulation, merely by slapping a medical disclaimer on their “E-Meter”; see http://skepdic.com/emeter.htmlSo the legal precedents are well established!

 

          Then there is “Taoism” and burning “play money” (AKA “spirit money” or “joss paper” or “sprit money”; Google those terms for more) to send to our ancestors, in Heaven, for their spending enjoyment.  Selling “fake money”, even in the USA, with counterfeiting laws, and all, is NOT un-lawful, all in the name of Religious Freedom…  See, for example, http://www.orientaltrading.com/ui/search/processRequest.do?requestURI=searchMain&Ntx=mode%2bmatchallpartial&Ntt=play%20money&N=0&Ntk=all&searchTerm=play+money&BP=10679&cm_mmc=google-_-Toys+and+Novelties+-+Adlucent-_-Play+Money-_-1b12dd96364f4029a5d851380f911159&ms=search&gclid=CLePt-bzvakCFcxL2godJmw5ew

 

          Now I know that to some, the Scienfoological beliefs in the use of “play drugs” for the SPIRITUAL use of our effigies, may sound strange, even deranged…  But is essentially NO different, in its RELIGIOUS (and legal) basis, than Taoism and “spirit money”!!!  If you don’t like our Scienfoologicial beliefs, if you think…  I think that such thoughts are WAY, ridiculously, un-charitable of Government Almighty, who LOVES us all, AND Loves our Religious Freedoms…  If you think that GAWD will judge our Scienfoological Religion to be “Not Sincerely Held”, finding some invisible writings and legal phrases about such things, in our USA Constitution…  Then I think you are WAY pessimistically skeptical, a cynic and a nay-sayer! …  But if that’s the way you feel, I just BETCHA, that if you looked REALLY-REALLY HARD, that on SOME place on this planet, you might find some Taoists or some other “more-respectable” religionist (and I as a Devout Scienfoologists admit to such things with a GREAT deal of HURT, I must say!!!) whose beliefs in ritual, sacrificial Viagra and pain pills, for their Heaven-Dwelling Ancestors, might be more respectable than MY particular beliefs!  Heck, if you looked long and hard enough, I bet you could find believers who would like to buy from you, ritual / sacrificial ice cubes and/or ice water, for their ancestors in heck and tarnation!    Suffice it to say, Scienfoologists may not be the ONLY ones looking for ritual / sacrificial / play / fake drugs…  PLEASE cater to our needs!  (And co-incidentally side-step the regulators…  And SUE Google if they refuse to come around!).

 

          You are MOST welcome to My Most Excellent Suggestions!

 

          -Devout Scienfoologist

 

APPOSTASY sample email #2:  ( To feedback@skinofmine.com ; see https://www.skinofmine.com )

 

          Dear Skin-of-Mine,

 

          The following is a summary of an important idea submitted to be submitted your marketing / advertising folks, “gratis” (free), for your benefit; PLEASE forward to your marketing people!  (It is also for the religious-freedoms benefits of the Church of Scienfoology, truth be told; see www.churchofsqrls.com for further details).

          It has come to my attention that the FDA (Blessed Be Their Holy Names) regulates your types of folks pretty Righteously, Dudes!  And that, some sunny day soon, you MIGHT be facing competition from smart-phone applications developers, who might, for instance, develop applications that simply take a photo of that Skin of Mine…  And run some software…  And then tell me if it is naught but a zit, or if it might be skin cancer.  Such an application of a smart phone might costs me $3 or $4, or it might even be provided for FREE, as is, for example, at http://leafsnap.com/ , where I can get a FREE app that will take pictures of leaves and identify the tree species for me!  Yes, smart phones are pretty powerful, if Government Almighty will allow it!  Fortunately, the Benevolent Ones at the FDA are going to PROTECT your kind of web site from competition from such gnarly upstarts, by charging them $31 million per “medical” application that they develop, for FDA approval, see www.post-gazette.com/pg/11205/1162580-114.stm?cmpid=news.xml  If the ignorant masses and the politicians don’t intervene, that is, and write emails of protest to fdadockets@oc.fda.gov; and CC: dsmica@fda.hhs.gov; ombudsman@cdrh.fda.gov; CDRHOmbudsman@fda.hhs.gov  If you as a money-making business venture would just HATE to see such un-righteous competition to Your Own Noble Selves, then I imagine you might want to write to these FDA email addresses…  They ARE open for comment on this matter…  And render YOUR Righteous Objections, and clarify that you’d want to make sure that any such smart-phone apps developers spend $3.92 TRILLION dollars to get FDA approval for such apps, not a mere $31 million…  And a Doctor’s prescription also, needless to say, before any individual consumer could buy such an application…  In the name or Protecting the Children, and We Are All Children In The Sight Of The Eyes of The Government Almighty…  Then of course, I, as Head of the Church of Scienfoology (FDA Worshipping Diocese), would be all on YOUR side!

          But…  Welcome to My Nightmare, as Alice Cooper would say… what if?!?!  What if the Righteous FDA some-how FAILS in its efforts to Protect The Children!  Y’all’s business might be severely hampered, what with y’all having to hire degreed, credentialed, board-certified experts of expertology and Government-Almighty-sanctioned Holy Ones of The High Priesthood of Medical and Moral Superiority, to tell a zit from a cancerous mole?  Your Experts of Expertology might become replaced by mere COMPUTER PROGRAMS, hello?!?!?!  Please consider my below Words of Wisdom, I might have an “out” for you, where you could still have some FREEDOM to make MONEY!!!

          Yes, we all know, money is EVIL, except, of course, if it is moved around by Government Almighty!  But wait, there’s always exceptions to the exceptions, see…  If you are a RELIGIOUS organization or provide RELIGIOUS services, you can make CLEAN money, and Government Almighty will NOT have to launder your dirty money, because religious belief has already cleaned the money all up nice and pretty-like, and religion is CLEAN and HOLY, and Government Almighty respects that.  Government Almighty does NOT want to get all up-staged-like, by Righteous Religious Holy Ones.  Religions MUST be respected, says Government Almighty, or Government Almighty might be made to look BAD, and we can’t have THAT!  So just slap a RELIGIOUS and NON-MEDICAL label on your goods and services, and all will be well!  See for example the Church of Scientology, which has had the wisdom and good taste to label their device as an “E-Meter” and not a “Psychosis Meter”, and their FDA-acknowledged disclaimer is respected by Government Almighty, see http://skepdic.com/emeter.html

          So what I am saying is, in the name of Holy Religious Freedom, you should allow the Followers of Scienfoology to email you pictures OF THE SKIN OF THEIR EFFIGIES, not of the skin of themselves, and perhaps (for a reduced price), you could offer Scienfoologists the RELIGIOUS services of advising them as to whether their effigies are suffering from mere SPIRITUAL zits, say, or of SPIRITUAL skin cancer!  WITHOUT any expertologists being involved!  Brilliant, eh!?!?!  (Again, see www.churchofSQRLS.com for details).

 

          You are MOST welcome to My Most Excellent Suggestions!

 

          -Devout Scienfoologist

 

APPOSTASY sample email #3:  ( To sapalmer5@gmail.com; healthyfamilyfarms@gmail.com )  ( Also forward this email as appropriate to other possible persons or organizations who might be interested, such as http://www.rawmilk.org ; cultivate@cornucopia.org   =   http://www.cornucopia.org/contact/ ; & Shiva@thelocalrose.com )

 

          Dear Ms. Palmer,

 

          I’m very sorry to hear that you and “Healthy Family Farms” have been (lovingly) punished by the Wrath of Government Almighty (the FDA etc.), for your horrible sins of providing raw milk, etc., to willing and informed (club) buyers, out there in lovely Southern California.  Please understand that it is all “for the children”.

          Now to move on, to what I am really writing to you about today…  After Government Almighty takes half of your money and your freedom, and you are free to move on, back to growing food for people to eat, I hope it won’t take too terribly long…  I have some suggestions for you.  (Yes, “full disclosure”…  It is also for the religious-freedoms benefits of the Church of Scienfoology, truth be told; see www.churchofsqrls.com for further details).

          Next time you and/or “Rawesome foods” set up shop, wanting to provide foodstuffs, do ***NOT*** set up shop providing “food for human consumption”, set up shop providing RITUAL food-like items for the use in religious ceremonies, for the ritual feeding of effigies, by religious folks!  Just become a CHURCH and slap a RELIGIOUS and NON-FOOD label on your goods and services, and all will be well!  See for example the Church of Scientology, which has had the wisdom and good taste to label their device as an “E-Meter” and not a “Psychosis Meter”, and their FDA-acknowledged disclaimer is respected by Government Almighty, see http://skepdic.com/emeter.html  Your products will then be allowed Sacred Religious Freedom, trust me!

          Well OK, I do ‘fess up, I can see how you might doubt me, how you might STILL, unjustly, mistrust the Benevolence of Government Almighty.  How you might fear that they might find invisible writings in between the lines of the US Constitution, to the effect of, “Oh, well, yes, Congress shall make No Laws concerning religions…  But…  BUT, Federal Judges are Devinely Empowered by Magical Abilities to Discern, exactly WHOSE religious beliefs are “sincerely held”, and whose are not”.  You are forgiven for your skeptical thoughts.

          But here’s the rest of my ideas for you:  Guard yourself (and “Rawesome Foods” or similar) from Government Almighty’s Wrath, by doing the following:  Find the oaths and rituals of the State of California, and of the Feds, and have them ready.  Now, set up a video camera and an off-site storage space for video footage (so that Government Almighty may not confiscate your data).  See the following web site:  http://reason.com/archives/2010/09/20/how-to-record-the-cops ...  Which I will now excerpt from:  Qik and UStream, two services available for both the iPhone and Android phones, allow instant online video streaming and archiving. Once you stop recording, the video is instantly saved online. Both services also allow you to send out a mass email or notice to your Twitter followers when you have posted a new video from your phone. Not only will your video of police misconduct be preserved, but so will the video of the police officer illegally confiscating your phone (assuming you continue recording until that point).”  http://qik.com/  and http://www.ustream.tv/ that is…

          Then, before they can buy ANY food, require ALL of your new customers, in front of said camera, to swear up and down on a stack of Bibles or on their mother’s grave or whatever sacred rituals they do in court these days…  Have them SWEAR they are practicing their religious freedoms to buy ritual items for the feeding of the Scienfoology effigies or what have you, that they have NO intention of personally eating said food, or providing it to others, and that they are NOT agents of Government Almighty!  Then when they haul you up on charges, have your lawyer trot out said video of Government Almighty jack-booted thugs, and ask the jury. “Now, just exactly WHY should you believe this person’s testimony?”

          Need I say more?  Again, see www.churchofSQRLS.com for full details…

 

          You are MOST welcome to My Most Excellent Suggestions!

 

          -Devout Scienfoologist

 

APPOSTASY sample email #4:  ( To press@google.com )

 

Dear Google:

 

          I’m very sorry to hear about your troubles (see http://www.chron.com/news/article/Google-settles-pharmacy-ad-probe-for-500-million-2138904.php for example) where-in you have come up against the Wrath of Government Almighty, and have had to cough up $500 million.  I hope you can take some consolation in the undeniable FACT that Government Almighty LOVES as all DEARLY!  J So, put on your Happy Face, and go to your Happy Place!!! J J

          Meanwhile, though, I do have a helpful suggestion that might help restore your profits in a somewhat related category…  And yes, I do admit to ulterior motives, this would also be of benefit to the Church of Scienfoology, see www.churchofSQRLS.com   And that is as follows:

We Scienfoologists wish to access (buy) RITUAL, SACRIFICIAL (“play”) drugs, with which to conduct ritual (religious) ceremonies, with our religious effigies.  In the Sacred Name of Religious Freedoms, Government Almighty will, without a doubt, allow you to advertise for providers of sacrificial (“play”) Viagra, pain pills, etc., to followers of our new but rapidly-advancing religion!  Thereby escaping the Wrath of the Almighty Regulators…  (Praises Be!)

          Lest you think me to be crazy, here are your further details and comparisons:  The Church of Scientology has, for years and years, marketed the services of an “E-Meter”, which otherwise might be called a “medical device” or a “psychometer”, and has, thereby, escaped FDA regulation, merely by slapping a religious / non-medical disclaimer on their “E-Meter”; see http://skepdic.com/emeter.htmlSo the legal precedents are well established!

          Then there is “Taoism” and burning “play money” (AKA “spirit money” or “joss paper” or “sprit money”; Google those terms for more) to send to our ancestors, in Heaven, for their spending enjoyment.  Selling “fake money”, even in the USA, with counterfeiting laws, and all, is NOT un-lawful, all in the name of Religious Freedom…  See, for example, http://www.orientaltrading.com/ui/search/processRequest.do?requestURI=searchMain&Ntx=mode%2bmatchallpartial&Ntt=play%20money&N=0&Ntk=all&searchTerm=play+money&BP=10679&cm_mmc=google-_-Toys+and+Novelties+-+Adlucent-_-Play+Money-_-1b12dd96364f4029a5d851380f911159&ms=search&gclid=CLePt-bzvakCFcxL2godJmw5ew

          So, PLEASE, won’t you alert your Canadian Pharmacies to all the opportunities that you, and they, together, could have, marketing to us Scienfoologists?  PLEASE?!?!  Again, please see www.churchofSQRLS.com .

 

          Thanks Much!  -Devout Scienfoological Believer

 

APPOSTASY sample email #5:  ( To press@google.com and/or media.help@apple.com )

 

Dear Google:  ( Alternately, to other provider of Smart Phone Technology, at Dear Apple: )

 

          It has come to my attention that the FDA (a branch of Government Almighty; Praises Be!) wants to force you and your smart-phone apps developers to spent “about $31 million”, see http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/11205/1162580-114.stm?cmpid=news.xml , for each “medical” smart-phone application that is developed.  At http://www.lexology.com/library/detail.aspx?g=9b9472c7-bb00-43e3-b507-4eab4965868e we can see that anything that… “Allows the user to input patient-specific information and, with the assistance of formulae or processing algorithms, produces a patient-specific result, diagnosis, or treatment recommendation.”    WILL be regulated!!!  So, knowing the history of the FDA, I can confidently predict, that, say, you or one of your apps developers that helps you sell smart phones, will, say, want to develop an app for those women who can’t or won’t trust their husbands and/or boyfriends, or even ANY of their multitudes of husbands and boyfriends, to honestly answer that perennially recurring, ancient old question, “DOES THIS DRESS MAKE ME LOOK FAT!?!?”  So y’all devise a clever rational, mathematical, scientific analysis algorithm…  Take that smart phone picture, run the program, and, wallah, like magic, THE Ancient Old Question is honestly answered!  Woo-Hoo!    But, the FDA (Praises Be!) will delay the sale or distribution of that app, by a decade or two, and inflate the price a hundred-fold…  Because it is a MEDICAL APPLICATION that diagnoses obesity!  Not that I am complaining; we Scienfoologists know VERY well, that Government Almighty LOVES the children, and we are ALL children, in the eyes of Government Almighty!  Praises Be!

          However  see www.churchofSQRLS.com for details; yes, I do admit to ulterior motives, the following idea would be of benefit to us Scienfoologists as well as to smart phone providers…  I do have a helpful suggestion for you.  That is, PLEASE provide services for us Sincere Believers, in an un-regulated, religiously free manner, in the form of, provide us, please, an app that will diagnose our RELIGIOUS RITUAL EFFIGIES in our ceremonies, about whether or not they, the effigies, are being made to feel SPIRITUALLY fat, in their spiritual dresses!  NOW we can have our freedom to have a program analyze some photos!

          Lest you think us Scienfoologists to be crazy, please see the legal precedent set by the Church of Scientology.  The Church of Scientology has, for years and years, marketed the services of an “E-Meter”, which otherwise might be called a “medical device” or a “psychometer”, and has, thereby, escaped FDA regulation, merely by slapping a religious / non-medical disclaimer on their “E-Meter”; see http://skepdic.com/emeter.htmlSo the legal precedents are well established!

          So please see www.churchofSQRLS.com for details, and PLEASE cater to us MILLIONS of True Believers in the Scienfoological Community!

 

          Thank You!  -Sincere Follower of Scienfoology

 

 

APPOSTASY sample email #6:  ( To Oragenics, see http://www.oragenics.com/contact )

 

Dear info@oragenics.com : 

 

          I see in places like http://discovermagazine.com/2000/may/breakdentist and http://www.damninteresting.com/no-more-cavities/ and  http://www.popsci.com/scitech/article/2004-07/buggy-cavity-fix that, for quite a few years now, we COULD be widely eliminating the bacteria that cause tooth decay, in humans willing to take certain measures, and that you’re working on the problem.

          But, it has also come to my attention that the FDA (a branch of Government Almighty; Praises Be!) wants to make you spend approximately ten gazillion dollars over the next few centuries or so, to absolutely PROVE that no bunny waaabbits, anywhere in the known universe, or for that matter, in any unknown universe either, could EVER conceivably be hurt, in any way, by your activities.  It seems that these exquisitely high standards are to be applied to all new, scary technologies, EXCEPT, of course, for the “technology” known as GAWD’s uber-nannyism (dispensed by uber-paid public “servants”, who you had BETTER NOT disobey!).  Uber-nannyism, now, THAT technology may freely be applied at will, regardless of the consequences…  This is the “precautionary principle” at it’s heart. If only humans had never tamed fire, we could all still be getting bug bites on our butts as we sleep in the grass and in the jungles!  Not that I am complaining; we Scienfoologists know VERY well, that Government Almighty LOVES the children, and we are ALL children, in the eyes of Government Almighty!  Praises Be!

          However  see www.churchofSQRLS.com for details; yes, I do admit to ulterior motives, the following idea would be of benefit to us Scienfoologists as well as to oral hygiene suppliers…  I do have a helpful suggestion for you.  That is, PLEASE provide services for us Sincere Believers, in an un-regulated, religiously free manner, in the form of, provide us, please, genetically engineered bacteria for the teeth of our RELIGIOUS RITUAL EFFIGIES in our RELIGIOUS ceremonies!

          Lest you think us Scienfoologists to be crazy, please see the legal precedent set by the Church of Scientology.  The Church of Scientology has, for years and years, marketed the services of an “E-Meter”, which otherwise might be called a “medical device” or a “psychometer”, and has, thereby, escaped FDA regulation, merely by slapping a religious / non-medical disclaimer on their “E-Meter”; see http://skepdic.com/emeter.htmlSo the legal precedents are well established!

          So please see www.churchofSQRLS.com for details, and PLEASE cater to us MILLIONS of True Believers in the Scienfoological Community!

 

          Thank You!  -Sincere Follower of Scienfoology

 

APPOSTASY sample email #7: Dear diybio@googlegroups.com or admin@genoblasts.com  ,     

 

          Hi, all you hard-working biohackers,

          Are you looking for marketing opportunities for your home-made bio-hacked organisms?  I see in places like http://discovermagazine.com/2000/may/breakdentist and http://www.damninteresting.com/no-more-cavities/ and  http://www.popsci.com/scitech/article/2004-07/buggy-cavity-fix that, after some 2 decades of hard work, to develop the anti-tooth-decay bio-hacked organism, another decade and more has already gone by, and or Professional Nannies at the FDA (Praised Be Their Names!) are STILL Protecting Us All from such Franken-Cooties!  AND protecting the interests of the Dental Establishment, perhaps?

          Well anyway, I for one would NEVER defy the Will of Government Almighty, and question the Wisdom of the FDA (Praises Be!).  What I AM saying, though, is that biohackers such as yourselves might find opportunities in assuaging the needs of religious practitioners in, for example, the Church of Scienfoology; see www.ChurchofSQRLS.com .  The Church of SQRLS would LOVE to have access to such bio-cooties, in a religiously free and un-regulated fashion, for religious use on their EFFIGIES, to prevent tooth decay through placebo powers!  See www.churchofSQRLS.com for more details, of course…  I as The SQRLSy One, will gladly post FREE advertising for your products, should you replicate such things, on my web site!  Opportunities abound!

          Lest you think us Scienfoologists to be crazy, please see the legal precedent set by the Church of Scientology.  The Church of Scientology has, for years and years, marketed the services of an “E-Meter”, which otherwise might be called a “medical device” or a “psychometer”, and has, thereby, escaped FDA regulation, merely by slapping a religious / non-medical disclaimer on their “E-Meter”; see http://skepdic.com/emeter.htmlSo the legal precedents are well established!

          So please see www.churchofSQRLS.com for details, and PLEASE cater to us MILLIONS of True Believers in the Scienfoological Community!

 

          Thank You!  -Sincere Scienfoologist

 

APPOSTASY sample email #8: Dear ir@arrowres.com ,     

 

          Hi Ablaris Therapeutics/ ArrowHead Research (see http://www.arrowheadresearch.com, all you Scienfoologists!),

 

          I see in “Drug offers hope in Obesity fight”, by Ron Winslow at ron.winslow@wsj.com of the WSJ, http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052970203537304577028142340709990.html , that y’all have a VERY promising approach for solving human obesity!  Now I imagine that  maybe, optimistically, 3,000 years or so from now, the FDA will approve of mere humans being allowed to access such medicines!  I say this in light of such informative editorials as this:  http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052970204831304576597200095602270.html ...  Now if you could please see www.ChurchofSQRLS.com , perhaps you see how you could use RELIGIOUS / SPRITIUAL / PLACEBO powers to bypass the FDA regulators, in the Sacred Name of Religious Freedoms, and market such drugs for strictly RELIGIOUS RITUAL uses with effigies, by, for instance, the Church of Scienfoology.

          Lest you think us Scienfoologists to be crazy, please see the legal precedent set by the Church of Scientology.  The Church of Scientology has, for years and years, marketed the services of an “E-Meter”, which otherwise might be called a “medical device” or a “psychometer”, and has, thereby, escaped FDA regulation, merely by slapping a religious / non-medical disclaimer on their “E-Meter”; see http://skepdic.com/emeter.htmlSo the legal precedents are well established!

          So please see www.churchofSQRLS.com for details, and PLEASE cater to us MILLIONS of True Believers in the Scienfoological Community!

 

          Thank You!  -Sincere Worshipper of Government Almighty, and Devout Scienfoologist

 

APPOSTASY sample email #9: ( sturner@aquabounty.com ; All you Scienfoologists, please see http://www.aquabounty.com/PressRoom/ for example)

 

Hi Ms. Suzanne Turner,

 

I see where your company is trying to reduce the environmental impact of fish farming, while also providing jobs for Americans, and providing less expensive and more healthy food, to boot, through the use of genetic engineering, and/or other Franken-food cooties, that are VERY scary to the FDA and other fear-mongers.  We of the Church of Scienfoology do sympathize deeply, but remind you that we must ALL Faithfully Worship Government Almighty.  So we must NOT complain, when, after 15 years of studying the “problem” here (and not finding any problems, other than insufficient FDA powers, budgets, and other FDA-Worship), the FDA announces that it needs ANOTHER few decades worth of taxpayer-financed studies, to see if perhaps, some theoretical badness might rear up somewhere in an unknown parallel universe, due to your Franken-cootie-fishes.

I would, however, point out to you that the Church of Scienfoology (FDA-Worshipping Diocese, see www.ChurchofSQRLS.com ) has need of your company’s products!  Now if you could please see www.ChurchofSQRLS.com , perhaps you see how you could use RELIGIOUS / SPRITIUAL / PLACEBO powers to bypass the FDA regulators, in the Sacred Name of Religious Freedoms, and market such foods for strictly RELIGIOUS RITUAL uses with effigies by our Devout Scienfoologists.

Yes, I know, you fear the FDA, which we Scienfoologists so faithfully worship!  But, we have well-established defensive maneuvers pre-planned for you:  Guard yourselves from Government Almighty’s Wrath, by doing the following:  Find the oaths and rituals of the Feds, and have them ready.  Now, set up a video camera and an off-site storage space for video footage (so that Government Almighty may not confiscate your data).  See the following web site:  http://reason.com/archives/2010/09/20/how-to-record-the-cops ...  Which I will now excerpt from:  Qik and UStream, two services available for both the iPhone and Android phones, allow instant online video streaming and archiving. Once you stop recording, the video is instantly saved online. Both services also allow you to send out a mass email or notice to your Twitter followers when you have posted a new video from your phone. Not only will your video of police misconduct be preserved, but so will the video of the police officer illegally confiscating your phone (assuming you continue recording until that point).”  http://qik.com/  and http://www.ustream.tv/ that is…

          Then, before your potential customers can buy ANY food-like items, require ALL of your new customers, in front of said camera, to swear up and down on a stack of Bibles or on their mother’s grave or whatever sacred rituals they do in court these days…  Have them SWEAR they are practicing their religious freedoms to buy ritual items for the feeding of the Scienfoology effigies or what have you, that they have NO intention of personally eating said food, or providing it to others, and that they are NOT agents of Government Almighty!  Then if/when they haul you up on charges, have your lawyer(s) trot out said video of Government Almighty agents, and ask the jury. “Now, just exactly WHY should you believe this person’s testimony?”

          Need I say more?  See www.churchofSQRLS.com for more details…

          And lest you think us Scienfoologists to be crazy, please see the legal precedent set by the Church of Scientology.  The Church of Scientology has, for years and years, marketed the services of an “E-Meter”, which otherwise might be called a “medical device” or a “psychometer”, and has, thereby, escaped FDA regulation, merely by slapping a religious / non-medical disclaimer on their “E-Meter”; see http://skepdic.com/emeter.htmlSo the legal precedents are well established!

          So please see www.churchofSQRLS.com for details, and PLEASE cater to us MILLIONS of True Believers in the Scienfoological Community!

 

          Thank You!  -Sincere Worshipper of Government Almighty, and Devout Scienfoologist

 

APPOSTASY sample email #10: ( dhobson@uoguelph.ca CC: cforsber@uoguelph.ca ; All you Scienfoologists, please see http://www.uoguelph.ca/enviropig/ for example )

 

Hi Dr. Hobson,

 

I see where your Canadian university is trying to reduce the environmental impact of pig farming, while also providing jobs, and providing less expensive healthy food, to boot, through the use of genetic engineering, and/or other Franken-food cooties, that are VERY scary to the American FDA and other fear-mongers.  We of the Church of Scienfoology do sympathize deeply, but remind you that we must ALL Faithfully Worship Government Almighty.  So we must NOT complain, when, after many years of studying the “problem” here (and not finding any problems, other than insufficient FDA powers, budgets, and other FDA-Worship), the FDA announces that it needs ANOTHER few decades worth of taxpayer-financed studies, to see if perhaps, some theoretical badness might rear up somewhere in an unknown parallel universe, due to your Franken-cootie-foods.

I would, however, point out to you that the Church of Scienfoology (FDA-Worshipping Diocese, see www.ChurchofSQRLS.com ) has need of your company’s products!  Now if you could please see www.ChurchofSQRLS.com , perhaps you see how you could use RELIGIOUS / SPRITIUAL / PLACEBO powers to bypass the FDA regulators, in the Sacred Name of Religious Freedoms, and market such foods for strictly RELIGIOUS RITUAL uses with effigies by our Devout Scienfoologists.

Yes, I know, you fear the FDA, which we Scienfoologists so faithfully worship!  But, we have well-established defensive maneuvers pre-planned for you:  Guard yourselves from Government Almighty’s Wrath, by doing the following:  Find the oaths and rituals of the Feds, and have them ready.  Now, set up a video camera and an off-site storage space for video footage (so that Government Almighty may not confiscate your data).  See the following web site:  http://reason.com/archives/2010/09/20/how-to-record-the-cops ...  Which I will now excerpt from:  Qik and UStream, two services available for both the iPhone and Android phones, allow instant online video streaming and archiving. Once you stop recording, the video is instantly saved online. Both services also allow you to send out a mass email or notice to your Twitter followers when you have posted a new video from your phone. Not only will your video of police misconduct be preserved, but so will the video of the police officer illegally confiscating your phone (assuming you continue recording until that point).”  http://qik.com/  and http://www.ustream.tv/ that is…

          Then, before your potential customers can buy ANY food-like items, require ALL of your new customers, in front of said camera, to swear up and down on a stack of Bibles or on their mother’s grave or whatever sacred rituals they do in court these days…  Have them SWEAR they are practicing their religious freedoms to buy ritual items for the feeding of the Scienfoology effigies or what have you, that they have NO intention of personally eating said food, or providing it to others, and that they are NOT agents of Government Almighty!  Then if/when they haul you up on charges, have your lawyer(s) trot out said video of Government Almighty agents, and ask the jury. “Now, just exactly WHY should you believe this person’s testimony?”

          Need I say more?  See www.churchofSQRLS.com for more details…

          And lest you think us Scienfoologists to be crazy, please see the legal precedent set by the Church of Scientology.  The Church of Scientology has, for years and years, marketed the services of an “E-Meter”, which otherwise might be called a “medical device” or a “psychometer”, and has, thereby, escaped FDA regulation, merely by slapping a religious / non-medical disclaimer on their “E-Meter”; see http://skepdic.com/emeter.htmlSo the legal precedents are well established!

          So please see www.churchofSQRLS.com for details, and PLEASE cater to us MILLIONS of True Believers in the Scienfoological Community!

 

          Thank You!  -Sincere Worshipper of Government Almighty, and Devout Scienfoologist

 

APPOSTASY sample email #11: ( To: trent@trentdonor.org ; All you Scienfoologists, please see http://news.yahoo.com/feds-issue-warning-unconventional-sperm-donor-140811851.html  and  http://trentdonor.org/trent for example )

 

Hi Mr. Arsenault,

 

          I have seen in recent media that you have fallen afoul of the True Love of Government Almighty, as you try (very charitably, with noble intentions; we Scienfoologists must commend you) to help those who have fertility problems, for FREE!  I am proud of you for not being a greedy capitalist (as a Devout Scienfoologist, I thoroughly realize that all money is EVIL, except those dollars and gazillions of dollars that have been “cleaned” by having Government Almighty move it from one wallet to another).  However, as a Devout Scienfoologist, I ALSO must Testify to you, that Government Almighty DOES Yea Verily, LOVE us VERY Much, and so we must NOT disobey our Government Almighty Servants!  Yes, it is TRUE, we MUST obey our Servants!

          Well anyway, why am I emailing you today?  Because, despite Our Serpents, ooops, I mean, Servants, Commanding you that you must “STOP, in the Name of Government Almighty”, I appeal to you to entirely shift the focus of your efforts, and serve the needs and desires of those who deserve RELIGIOUS instead of reproductive freedom.  If you will carefully peruse www.churchofSQRLS.com , it will come as no surprise to you, the we Scienfoologists believe that you could donate sperm for the entirely RELIGIOUS purpose of having the sperm infused into, not humans at all, but into inanimate EFFIGIES, whereby the Spiritual and Placebo powers would then encourage nearby Scienfoological believers to become fertile.  There is NO chance at ALL, that Scienfoological rituals, properly conducted on inanimate effigies, can cause the transmission of ANY communicable disease, and I for one sincerely doubt that the FDA or ANY of Our Devoted Government Almighty Servants Who Do Love Us Infinitely, could EVER prove otherwise!

          So anyway, for some strange reason, I just randomly suspect you might think I’m, um, in the crude vernacular of our day, some sort of “whack job” for writing such things to you today.  So lest you regard us Scienfoologists to be crazy, please see the legal precedent set by the Church of Scientology.  The Church of Scientology has, for many decades, marketed the services of an “E-Meter”, which otherwise might be called a “medical device” or a “psychometer”, and has, thereby, escaped FDA regulation, merely by slapping a religious / non-medical disclaimer on their “E-Meter”; see http://skepdic.com/emeter.htmlSo the legal precedents are well established!

And finally, let me give you a few more suggestions: Guard yourselves from Government Almighty’s Love/Wrath, by doing the following:  Find the oaths and rituals of the Feds, and have them ready.  Now, set up a video camera and an off-site storage space for video footage (so that Government Almighty may not confiscate your data).  See the following web site:  http://reason.com/archives/2010/09/20/how-to-record-the-cops ...  Which I will now excerpt from:  Qik and UStream, two services available for both the iPhone and Android phones, allow instant online video streaming and archiving. Once you stop recording, the video is instantly saved online. Both services also allow you to send out a mass email or notice to your Twitter followers when you have posted a new video from your phone. Not only will your video of police misconduct be preserved, but so will the video of the police officer illegally confiscating your phone (assuming you continue recording until that point).”  http://qik.com/  and http://www.ustream.tv/ that is…

          Then, before your potential beneficiaries can receive ANY donations, require ALL of your new customers, in front of said camera, to swear up and down on a stack of Bibles or on their mother’s grave or whatever sacred rituals they do in court these days…  Have them SWEAR they are practicing their religious freedoms to receive ritual substances for the insemination of the Scienfoology effigies or what have you, that they have NO intention of personally, bodily using said substances, or providing it to others, and that they are NOT agents of Government Almighty!  Then if/when they haul you up on charges, have your lawyer(s) trot out said video of Government Almighty agents, and ask the jury. “Now, just exactly WHY should you believe this person’s testimony?”

          So please see www.churchofSQRLS.com for details, and PLEASE cater to us MILLIONS of True Believers in the Scienfoological Community!  PS, if you will make reference to Our Church and Religious Freedoms, and so forth, I will be VERY glad to add some free advertising for you, to our web site!

 

          Thank You!  -Sincere Worshipper of Government Almighty, and Devout Scienfoologist

 

APPOSTASY sample email #12: ( To: usa-english@Rael.org ; All you Scienfoologists, please see http://www.rael.org/home )

 

Hi Raelians,

 

          I’ve read that you Raelians, unlike many people today, are NOT terrified of GMOs, Frankenfoods, and Bio-Boogey-Cooties of various sorts.  I don’t know about your attitudes towards the FDA, which wants to tie all the Frankenfoods proponents into endless loops of regulatory red tape, so that the poorest under-nourished Earthlings should starve to death, rather than being allowed to partake in Frankenfood cooties.  If you will look at the Church of Scienfoology’s primary web site at www.churchofSQRLS.com , you will find a series of emails listed (towards the bottom of the web site) to various potential providers of such services.  Let’s just pick one at random…  See http://www.uoguelph.ca/enviropig/ for a GMO food animal (a pig) that could help feed humans and simultaneously help preserve resources and lessen human pollution of the planet.  The FDA can be trusted to approve of such things, any geological epoch in just about any million millennia now, after doing their VERY best to make sure that NO bunny waaabbits, in this known universe or in any unknown parallel universes either, could EVER, even theoretically, be harmed by ingesting bio-booger-cooties or “frankenfoods”.  And if and when they are done studying such things (and only incidentally, also gaining our tax dollars, and power over us all), THEN they’ll think about approving our freedoms to eat such foods.  But we Scienfoologists don’t complain about such things; we know very well, that Government Almighty loves us, and that we must ALL, for our own good, obey our servants unquestioningly!

          So why am I writing to you today?  Well, if you will inspect our Scienfoology website at     www.churchofSQRLS.com , you’ll find that we Scienfoologists have religious beliefs (giving drug-like substances and food-like substances to our effigies in religious rituals) that allow us to access technologies that are otherwise forbidden to the mere mortals (those who do not dwell in SHAMM).  Please read the web site and use your Space-Aliens-Given Creative Minds, and see if you couldn’t possibly ally yourselves with us Scienfoologists.  While we Scienfoologists, for example, clamor for genetically engineered pork-like substances to feed to our effigies, y’all could be clamoring for your Sacred Religious Freedoms to buy some of these enviro-pigs as pets.  NOT for human consumption, see, so FDA regulations don’t apply.  Religious freedoms DO apply, especially if you or I or others start to WORSHIP these pigs, as the ancient Egyptians worshipped cats.  And then, perhaps, if you and I and others like-minded, are worshipful and creative enough, we can gain a modicum of freedoms for the mere mortals!  Especially if we say, for example, SUE at law, for these freedoms.

          Please consider my worthy proposals…

 

          Thank You!  -Sincere Worshipper of Government Almighty, and Devout Scienfoologist, SQRLSy One

 

INTRO to APPOSTASY sample email #13:

          Hi all of you millions and BILLIONS of Scienfoology followers,

          I would like to bring to your attention, something that the lame-stream media has pretty much been totally ignoring, and that is the ECAT, or nickel plus hydrogen to copper “cold fusion” energy source.  See http://nickelenergy.wordpress.com/ , http://faq.ecat.com/ , http://www.lenr-canr.org/acrobat/VillaMonthegamma.pdf , http://newenergyandfuel.com/http:/newenergyandfuel/com/2011/05/09/rossi-ecat-cold-fusion-reactor-update/ , etc.  Example search-strings (patent number) WO/2009/125444 works also.  Also search strings +Italy +Bologna +”Andrea Rossi” etc.  I have posted about the below topic, directly to the potential future seller (I sure hope!) of this technology, at http://faq.ecat.com/ , and have had my posts / questions promptly deleted.  So I am sorry, I have no suitable email addresses for you to post the below (or derivatives thereof) to.  But for what it’s worth, here is APPOSTASY EMAIL #13 (Please post it, or derivatives of it, to suitable discussion groups, news outlets, etc.; that’s what I plan to do).

 

APPOSTASY sample email #13:

 

Hi ECAT or ECAT fan or ECAT Skeptic, (Sorry, go find your email addresses or discussion groups yourselves),

 

Has anyone considered making a home-use version of the ECAT that could be used as a food irradiator?  Longer version/suggestion:  The ECAT, by all appearances, derives most of the heat energy produced, by converting (in its shielding) gamma rays (high-energy electromagnetic rays, AKA ionizing radiation that is eminently suitable for food irradiation) into heat.  In the USA, if you did such a thing (make a food irradiator), the FDA (a sub-division of Government Almighty) can be relied upon to make you study such a device for a few decades, and spend millions of dollars, to prove it to be safe, under all conceivable circumstances, and in all parallel universes that MIGHT possibly exist.  So my suggestion to you, if you should chose to make a food irradiator version, is to market it to a burgeoning new market called Scienfoology.  See www.churchofSQRLS.com , where you can see details about how Scienfoologists use technologies, in the name of RELIGIOUS FREEDOM, on their EFFIGIES rather than on themselves, and so therefor escape Government Almighty regulation.  Advertise your food irradiator to be used, NOT for foods for human consumption, but for use ONLY for feeding irradiated foods to EFFIGIES.  This is a VERY convenient escape from Government Almighty, for those greedy capitalists who might wish to combine the heat generation capabilities, plus the raw, cootie-organisms-killing (think salmonella, E-coli, etc.) powers of gamma radiation, into a VERY convenient (and disease-defeating) home cooking device!

 

Thanks!   -SQRLSY One

 

INTRO to APPOSTASY sample email, Topic #14:

 

Dearest Fans and Followers of Scienfoology,

 

          For an introduction to this introduction, this is about having your effigy do you smoking for you, to control your addiction (AKA, so as to have your effigy, not you, get lung cancer!).  Now, ideally, all of the low-brow nicotine addicted slobs should just keep right on paying out the wazoo, taxes-wise, while all of the cigarette sellers should take us Scienfoologists on our word, and sell us our cigarettes, w/o any taxes added on, see, since we are using ours for our EFFIGIES and not for ourselves!  And there ARE also side benefits to this arrangement!  For the sellers, that is.  Just as the Q-tip sellers put labels on their Q-Tips saying, “don’t shove these in your ear”, and they get lawsuit immunity that way from we who might bust our eardrums, see, you used the device counter to its labeled use…  Phillip Morris needs to label our Scienfoological cigarettes as follows: “For religious ritual use only!  Have your effigy smoke these for you, only behind a 20-yard-high, 30-yard thick, two-mile long blast-shielding wall, made out of unobtainium, and out of the passive-smoking range of any human within a 3-mile range”.  You violate the recommended use-label?  You’re on your own, buddy!

          Living in the real world, as I do, I am not starting an email campaign, just yet, to cigarette companies and to Government Almighty, about tax-code changes around all this.  With only billions of Scienfoologists so far, I don’t think we can make enough bribes, oops, I mean, campaign contributions, just yet, to get all this to happen.  Yet, that is!  March on bravely, my fellow Scienfoologists, and when our membership is in the trillions, we’ll be able to re-make the world!  And even at this early stage, if you DO have suggested APPOSTASY emails that we should be sending to Phillip Morris, et al, send them my, I will always accept creative writing, email SQRLSy_1@ChurchofSQRLS.com

          Now for a more narrowly targeted beginning campaign of cigarette APPOSTASY then, today I have this for you:  http://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/2012/03/14/gIQAKoCBJS_singlePage.html ...  Big tobacco companies make large bribes, ooops, I mean, campaign contributions, to the likes of Senator Max Baucus, D-Montana, and so Government Almighty will tax out of existence, a cigarette-making-machine-manufacturer, which might compete with the Big Boys.  My research tells me that Cordy's The Cigar Box, 1842 North State Street in Girard, Ohio” seems to be the place that will soon lose 35 workers who manufacture roll-your-own-smokes machine, if/when the new taxes kick in.  The best I can do to find a related email address is pgonzalez@dongonzalezcigars.com , and also see http://www.cigarero.com/Ohio/Girard/Cordy-s-Cigar-Box-2254.htm and drop off your comments there.  If you Scienfoologists out there do succeed in getting tax breaks for smokes for your effigies, I as Head Scienfoologist COMMAND YOU to donate at least 1/3 of your tax savings to the Bribes Committee, ooops, I mean, campaign contributions committee, of Max Bauxus, so that in the longer term, we Scienfoologists who struggle with nicotine addiction, will be able to compete with Philip Morris and so forth, and “smokes” from ALL manufacturers, will be available tax-free, for Scienfoology effigies everywhere!

          Without further ado, here is my suggested APPOSTASY email for potential providers of cigarettes for the effigies of Scienfoologists:

 

Dear User or Manufacturer of Roll-Your-Own-Smokes Machines, (one sample is pgonzalez@dongonzalezcigars.com )

         

          It has come to my attention (see the bottom of www.churchofSQRLS.com and search for “smokes”) that Senator Max Baucus, D-Montana, and Government Almighty, will tax out of existence, a small cigarette-making-machine-manufacturer, which might compete with the Big Boy Tobacco Companies.  That’s just too bad, I suppose, for all the sinners and nicotine addicts.

          But wait!  Before you go, hear me out…  At the web site as listed above, find the full details.  But in short, we Scienfoologists are an emerging religion, whose followers believe in having our EFFIGIES do our smoking for us, so as to relieve ourselves of our own, personal bodily nicotine addictions.  Since we believe that Government Almighty LOVES us, and wants to help us cure our addictions, we are QUITE sure that Government Almighty will allow us religious exemptions from added tobacco taxes, as we “roll our own”, for our effigies.  I will not pollute your email inbox with endless details, but, if you will search my web site as shown above, I have a detailed methodology you can use, to verify the sincerity of the customers you might have, to guard against “stings” by undercover agents.  See my web site please…

 

          Thank You for supporting the Religious Freedoms of Scienfoologists!   - Sincerely, Scienfoology Adherent

 

FURTHER DETAILS ON THE ABOVE:

 

          Potential Scienfoology customer who want to skip the taxes, since the “smokes” are for their effigies, and not for them, should have to appear in front of the special webcam first.  The nature of the webcam should be as follows:

What of “customers” who are secretly undercover agents, looking for technical violations of decrees from Government Almighty?  Here is your solution for this particular potential problem:  Find the oaths and rituals of the local branch of Government Almighty, and have them ready.  Now, set up a video camera and an off-site storage space for video footage (so that Government Almighty may not confiscate your data).  See the following web site:  http://reason.com/archives/2010/09/20/how-to-record-the-cops ...  Which I will now excerpt from:  Qik and UStream, two services available for both the iPhone and Android phones, allow instant online video streaming and archiving. Once you stop recording, the video is instantly saved online. Both services also allow you to send out a mass email or notice to your Twitter followers when you have posted a new video from your phone. Not only will your video of police misconduct be preserved, but so will the video of the police officer illegally confiscating your phone (assuming you continue recording until that point).”  http://qik.com/  and http://www.ustream.tv/ that is…

          Then, before your potential customers can receive ANY services from roll-your-own machines, require ALL of your new customers, in front of said camera, to swear up and down on a stack of Bibles or Qurans or on their mother’s grave or whatever sacred rituals they do in court these days…  Have them SWEAR they are freely practicing their religious freedoms to receive ritual cigarettes for use with effigies only, and that they are NOT agents of Government Almighty.  Then if/when they haul you up on charges, have your lawyer(s) trot out said video of Government Almighty agent(s), and ask the jury. “Now, just exactly WHY should you believe this person’s testimony?”

If you think that this is totally “whack”, then please consider this:  Please do not confuse us with Scientology.  But if you will examine web sites like http://skepdic.com/emeter.html and also http://www.catholic.org/national/national_story.php?id=41507 , then you will find that the Church of Scientology has founded some VERY nice precedents for us to follow!  Even though their “E-meter” could clearly be construed as a medical device, the FDA and the courts “left them off the hook” in 1963, when Scientology agreed to various stipulations, such as putting a “non-medical device” disclaimer label, clearly up front and center, on their device.  They have not complied, and they still use their “quasi-medical device”, with the label buried on the bottom.  And the FDA has not shut them down, nor is it likely to.  But they have set fine precedents for us Scienfoologists to follow!  And with the web-cam method, we can document ALL of this, that we Scienfoologists are merely looking for freedom of religion, no more so that the Scientologists!

          Suggestions for how it might go, in front of the webcam:

 

CUSTOMER:  Hi, I’m looking to roll my own smokes.  But they’re not for me, they’re for my effigy to smoke, so that I can quit my addiction to nicotine.  That is, they’re for use in religious rituals, for GOOD purposes.  So they should be tax-free.

 

STAFF:  Oh, OK, wait, let me turn on the web-cam here, and can you re-state this thing?  Here, read this for posterity.  There you go…

 

CUSTOMER:  I, Recovering Nicotine Fiend, being of sound body and mind, do hereby declare obedience and fealty to Government Almighty, and I do solemnly swear to Government Almighty, which is my GAWD and my Savior, as a Devout and Sincere Scienfoologist, that the following is true:  My sincerely held religious belief is that I should NOT be forced, in order to roll some smokes, to pay extra taxes.  Instead, it is my belief that Government Almighty, in its respect for Religious Freedoms, and in its Mercies, for me, will SURELY allow me skip paying taxes, to help me overcome my addictions.

 

STAFF:  And have you had a federal judge declare that your religious beliefs are “sincerely held”?

 

CUSTOMER:  No, I have not.  Is this required by the U.S. constitution?  I have my constitutional rights, you know.

 

STAFF:  Yes, sub-paragraph-23-B-square-root-of-negative-one says that your beliefs have to be validated by Government Almighty, as being “sincerely held”.

 

CUSTOMER:  Hey, wait, square-root-of-negative-one is an imaginary number!

 

STAFF:  Tell it to the judge, see if he cares.  See if Senator Max Baucus cares.

 

CUSTOMER:  I don’t care if he cares, or not.  I don’t care if you care.  But you should care that if you don’t respect my religious freedom, then I will bring a lawsuit against you, under the Religious Freedom Restoration Act!

 

STAFF:  Oh, well, OK, then, I guess we have no real choice.  We’ll support you in your needs for religious freedoms then.  Here, you can have a go at the “roll your own” machine, tax free.

 

INTRO to APPOSTASY sample emails, Topic #15:

 

Hi all you Devout Scienfoologists out there in ScienfoologyLand,

 

I know that, since it’s very inception, my web site has declared that I will not make (nor accept) posts about Scienfoological techniques supporting suicide or abortion.  I am still adhering to this policy, due to the obvious hazards of HAM resulting from such posts.  Nor will I make sick jokes (or accept such posts) about coat-hangers or sluts & such (I will leave such hankering after attention, fame, and ultimately money, to the likes of Howard Stern, Rush Limbaugh, and Ann Coulter).  However, it has recently come to my attention that non-FDA flavors of Government Almighty have been requiring women who want to terminate their pregnancies, to be raped by ultrasound (sonogram) machines first.  The below sample APPOSTASY emails come in short, medium, and long versions, suitable for posting or emailing to abortion clinics, suggesting that abortion clinics might use Scienfoological versions (in the name of Religious Freedoms for any of us Scienfoologists desiring abortions, of course) of photo-taking of Scienfoological fertilized-egg-cell effigies, or blastocyst-effigies, or fetus-effigies, or unborn-baby effigies, as the case may be, to save us from being raped by the “shaming wand”.  To understand “shaming wand”, please see http://maddowblog.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/03/12/10652832-doonesbury-tackles-the-10-inch-shaming-wand and http://www.forbes.com/sites/shenegotiates/2012/03/12/egyptian-virginity-tests-americas-shaming-wand-and-trudeaus-satire/  All I can add is, I am Grateful to Government Almighty, that at least these women aren’t forced to put their heads and hands into a stockade for a day or two first, and be spat upon by the public, before they can access their desired medical procedure.

          Anyway, Scienfoological abortions?  No, I don’t want to support that!  Scienfoological sonograms?!  Dear Government Almighty, SHAMMs, yes!  I’m all over this one!  True Scienfoological Believers should QUITE obviously be allowed the Religious Freedom to have fetus-effigies photographed, and their personal effigies (not themselves), subjected to ritual shaming by the shaming wand, as simple and obvious Religious and Personal Bodily freedom, as opposed to having to be mechanically, sonically raped!  I don’t think we’re asking for that much, do you!?!?

          First, before the sample emails, more links:  See ”   http://mobile.bloomberg.com/news/2012-03-07/viagra-would-need-sex-therapist-s-approval-under-table-turning-ohio-bill  and http://www.wjla.com/articles/2012/02/jon-stewart-snl-help-doom-va-transvaginal-abortion-bill-with-ridicule-72976.html  ...  Some servants of Government Almighty want to subject men to similar requirements…  Or shall I say yet more of the same kinds of requirements that our “public servants” require us, the supposed “masters”… to follow.  Or else!  Or else fear the Wrath of Government Almighty!  But at least the comedians are having a good time, making jokes about “Transvaginal is my favorite airline”,  and that “Transvaginal Ultrasound” sounds like a good name for a rock band!  Shades of Dave Barry!

          OK, let’s get on with it!

 

APPOSTASY sample email #15_A:  (Short version, Scienfoological Substitutes for Ultrasound Sonograms)

(I’m not sure where to send emails to, maybe start at http://www.plannedparenthood.org/about-us/contact-us.htm , help, I can’t find email addresses to send this to, yet!)

 

Dear Abortion Services Provider,

 

          It has come to my attention that Government Almighty is requiring you to mechanically rape your patients with an ultrasonic “shaming wand” before you can provide your services.  I am a follower of the Church of Scienfoology, and we Scienfoologists do not believe in disrespecting Government Almighty; we actually WORSHIP Government Almighty.  You may not be inclined to read long emails, or your comment-input field on your web site may be very short, so let me please cut to the chase:  We Scienfoologists believe in a Gentle, Loving Government Almighty, who will give us Scienfoologists the Religious Liberty to practice medical-like (but actually Religious, in reality) rituals on our effigies, in lieu of on ourselves.  So we have devised effigy-based sonogram and shaming rituals, which you could (PLEASE!?!?!) use on True Believers, such as ourselves.  Please consider our most excellent suggestions!  Please see www.ChurchofSQRLS.com for full details, and search for “shaming wand”.

 

          Thank You!   -Sincere Scienfoology Adherent

 

APPOSTASY sample email #15_B:  (Medium length version, Scienfoological Substitutes for Ultrasound Sonograms)

 

Dear Abortion Services Provider,

 

          It has come to my attention that Government Almighty is requiring you to mechanically rape your patients with an ultrasonic “shaming wand” before you can provide your services.  I am a follower of the Church of Scienfoology, and we Scienfoologists do not believe in disrespecting Government Almighty; we actually WORSHIP Government Almighty.  Please do not confuse us with Scientology.  But if you will examine web sites like http://skepdic.com/emeter.html and also http://www.catholic.org/national/national_story.php?id=41507 , then you will find that the Church of Scientology has founded some VERY nice precedents for us to follow!  Even though their “E-meter” could clearly be construed as a medical device, the FDA and the courts “left them off the hook” in 1963, when Scientology agreed to various stipulations, such as putting a “non-medical device” disclaimer label, clearly up front and center, on their device.  They have not complied, and they still use their “quasi-medical device”, with the label buried on the bottom.  And the FDA has not shut them down, nor is it likely to.  But they have set fine precedents for us Scienfoologists to follow!

          If you will examine www.ChurchofSQRLS.com , you will see that we Scienfoologists believe in a Gentle, Loving Government Almighty, who will give us Scienfoologists the Religious Liberty to practice medical-like (but actually Religious, in reality) rituals on our effigies, in lieu of on ourselves.  So we have devised effigy-based sonogram and shaming rituals, which you could (PLEASE!?!?!) use on True Believers, such as ourselves, in lieu of personally being raped by the shaming wand.

          What, administratively, might your procedures look like, if you wanted to provide effigy-based sonograms to your customers?  Well, outside of the doors of your establishment, there might be some volunteers, who have NOTHING to do with your establishment, be out there practicing their religious and free-speech rights to proselytize, professing their sincere beliefs as practicing Scienfoologists, or perhaps some other effigy-based religion.  We Scienfoologists are proudly broad-minded, see?

          And perhaps these volunteers, if they are successful in gaining new adherents, could provide effigies, and effigies of fetuses, and perhaps even Ritual Shaming Wands.  (Good stand-ins for these can be bought at Harry Potter fan club establishments).  So then, now your potential patients are prepared to enter your establishment, as Sincere Scienfoologists (or similar).  So far, so good!

But then, what of “customers” who are secretly undercover agents, looking for technical violations of decrees from Government Almighty?  Here is your solution for this particular potential problem:  Find the oaths and rituals of the local branch of Government Almighty, and have them ready.  Now, set up a video camera and an off-site storage space for video footage (so that Government Almighty may not confiscate your data).  See the following web site:  http://reason.com/archives/2010/09/20/how-to-record-the-cops ...  Which I will now excerpt from:  Qik and UStream, two services available for both the iPhone and Android phones, allow instant online video streaming and archiving. Once you stop recording, the video is instantly saved online. Both services also allow you to send out a mass email or notice to your Twitter followers when you have posted a new video from your phone. Not only will your video of police misconduct be preserved, but so will the video of the police officer illegally confiscating your phone (assuming you continue recording until that point).”  http://qik.com/  and http://www.ustream.tv/ that is…

          Then, before your potential customers can receive ANY rituals and then services, require ALL of your new customers, in front of said camera, to swear up and down on a stack of Bibles or Qurans or on their mother’s grave or whatever sacred rituals they do in court these days…  Have them SWEAR they are freely practicing their religious freedoms to receive ritual shaming of the Scienfoology effigy and the photographing of the blastocyst effigy (desiring Religious Freedom from the raping / shaming routines on their real physical bodies), and that they are NOT agents of Government Almighty.  Then if/when they haul you up on charges, have your lawyer(s) trot out said video of Government Almighty agent(s), and ask the jury. “Now, just exactly WHY should you believe this person’s testimony?”

Please consider our most excellent suggestions!  Please see www.ChurchofSQRLS.com for full details, and search for “shaming wand”.

 

          Thank You!   -Sincere Scienfoology Adherent

 

          Hi All of You Gazzilions of True Scienfoologists!  Now I have a special treat for you!  To go and see ALL of the Full Glories of Scienfoological Doctrine, Practice, and Liturgies of Scienfoological use of the Sacred Shaming Wand, and Scienfoological Sonograms, go and see…

 

http://www.churchofsqrls.com/sonograms/

 

Also now, for those VERY few “out there” who have NOT yet firmly fossilized their minds into concrete formations, there is  http://www.churchofsqrls.com/Abortions/  to be perused…

 

Hi Scienfoologists,

Sorry for the long summer vacation here, but your favorite super-hero is now BACK on the job!  I have slipped into the nearest phone booth, donned my cape, boots, and spandex, and here I am! Come to save the day!!!

 

INTRO to APPOSTASY sample email #16:

See http://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/george-will-blocking-dietary-advice-is-an-attack-on-free-speech/2012/09/26/3058ee2e-0733-11e2-a10c-fa5a255a9258_story.html and similar, which talks about Steve Cooksey, whose web site is http://www.diabetes-warrior.net/  Government Almighty has decreed that he shall NOT speak about what we might be best off eating, and not eating, without getting a Ph. D. in nutritionology and expertology, and so forth.  As George Will points out, the US Supreme court, no less, has decided that videos of animals being tortured to death, are “free speech” that cannot be regulated.  Government Almighty in North Carolina, in its Wisdom, declares that unpaid talking or writing about human nutrition, though, CAN be Righteously Regulated.  Hence I am putting this into Steve Cooksey’s comments bucket at his web site (well OK, I tried, his web site seems to be inactive since early June 2012, as far as accepting new posts goes):

 

APPOSTASY sample email #16:

Hi Steve,

My condolences to you, that you have been subjected to the Wrath of Government Almighty.  I must advise you, though, that Government Almighty Loves us mere mortals FAR, far more than we can ever know.  We must Worship in Awe and Silent Admiration.  That’s all I can say about Medical Matters such as Human Nutrition.

Now on the topic of religious freedom, though, this is a totally different matter.  If you will investigate the Church of Scienfoology as documented at www.churchofSQRLS.com , then you will find that we Scienfoologists believe in ALWAYS obeying and even, yes, WORSHIPPING Government Almighty, and how It Loves and Protects us.  But if you’ll read my web site, you’ll also see that we believe in religious medical-like rituals on our EFFIGIES which will bring us Spiritual Good Health.  So we Scienfoologists would MUCH appreciate it, if you could start writing about what foods it would be best to feed to our Religious-Rituals EFFIGIES, not to ourselves.  Please?  Won’t you, PLEASE?

We Scienfoologists actually believe that ***IF*** our Faith was strong enough, then we could live without eating at ALL!  Even I, the SQRLSY One, do have to admit I have not yet attained this Advanced Level.  I don’t think ANYONE has, although Kate Moss (rumor has it that she may be a Secret, Closet Scienfoologist) might have been secretly the FIRST to attain this level!

Well anyway, I wonder if you might think me to be some sort of “Whack Job”?  If so, I would point you to the following, as well as to my web site:  Please do not confuse us with Scientology.  But if you will examine web sites like http://skepdic.com/emeter.html and also http://www.catholic.org/national/national_story.php?id=41507 , then you will find that the Church of Scientology has founded some VERY nice precedents for us to follow!  Even though their “E-meter” could clearly be construed as a medical device, the FDA and the courts “left them off the hook” in 1963, when Scientology agreed to various stipulations, such as putting a “non-medical device” disclaimer label, clearly up front and center, on their device.  They have not complied, and they still use their “quasi-medical device”, with the label buried on the bottom.  And the FDA has not shut them down, nor is it likely to.  But they have set fine precedents for us Scienfoologists to follow!  Religious freedom reigns supreme!

Anyway, please tell us how to apply the Paleo Diet to our Religious Effigies…

 

Thanks Much!

 

SQRLSy_1@ChurchofSQRLS.com

 

 

APPOSTASY sample email #17: Heart-Healthy Genetically Engineered Tomatoes, AKA Frankenfood 

( Fellow Scienfoologists, please email Dr. Fogelman at afogelman@mednet.ucla.edu , and Dr. Reddy at sreddy@mednet.ucla.edu )

Access to Heart-Healthy Genetically Engineered Tomatoes?

 

Hi Dr. Fogelman,

 

          I read at http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2012/11/121105114616.htm and http://medimoon.com/2012/11/genetically-engineered-tomatoes-reduce-plaque-build-up-in-mice/  that you and your fellow doctors and scientists have shown that genetically engineered tomatoes, when fed to mice, can very significantly improve their heart health (especially with regards to arterial plaque build-up).  I am VERY happy for the mice; thanks much!  On the behalf of ALL mice EVERYWHERE, Kudos!

          Now what about us humans?  Yes, I know…  The FDA is going to make you and your fellow doctors, genetic engineers, etc., spend the next 79 years or so, and untold millions of dollars, endlessly verifying that no bunny waaabbits, endangered bacteria or slime molds, or tree huggers, in this or any possibly conceivable alternate universe, will EVER be hurt by “Frankenfood” tomatoes.  Us tens of thousands of heart-afflicted mere, regular humans will just have to wait.  Our could-be-prevented deaths don’t stack up, because, after all, we’re not THAT endangered.  Government Almighty Has Spoken.  Government Almighty giveth, and Government Almighty taketh away, Blessed Be the Name of Government Almighty.  In fact, if you will examine www.ChurchofSQRLS.com , you will see that we Scienfoologists actually, literally DO Worship Government Almighty!  So we do NOT believe in protesting the Perfect Love of our Government Almighty, that would be unseemly!

          However, we Scienfoologists DO believe in religious freedom, especially the religious freedom to feed, inject, medicate, or otherwise quasi-medically treat our EFFIGIES with faith-based, medical-like treatments, which, through faith, religious healing power, and placebo (belief) powers, will then heal us of our (strictly) SPIRITUAL ills (and as a beneficial by-product, from time to time, physical heal us as well, but that’s all under the realm of religious / belief freedom).  So we millions of Scienfoologists, we were wondering, might you (please) advise and assist us?  Just HOW do we exercise our religious freedom to freely access these genetically engineered tomatoes?  Where did you buy them, how can we get some?  What special forms would we have to fill out, for religious-freedom exemptions?

Utterly strangely enough, for some mysterious reason, I wonder if you might perhaps think me to be some sort of “Whack Job”?  If so, I would point you to the following, as well as to my web site:  Please do not confuse us with Scientology.  But if you will examine web sites like http://skepdic.com/emeter.html and also http://www.catholic.org/national/national_story.php?id=41507 , then you will find that the Church of Scientology has founded some VERY nice precedents for us Scienfoologists to follow!  Even though their “E-meter” could clearly be construed as a medical device, the FDA and the courts “left them off the hook” in 1963, when Scientology agreed to various stipulations, such as putting a “non-medical device” disclaimer label, clearly up front and center, on their device.  They have not complied, and they still use their “quasi-medical device”, with the label buried on the bottom.  And the FDA has not shut them down, nor is it likely to.  But they have set fine precedents for us Scienfoologists to follow!  Religious freedom reigns supreme!

Anyway, please tell us how to access genetically engineered tomatoes for our Religious Effigies…

 

Thanks Much!

 

SQRLSy_1@ChurchofSQRLS.com

 

APPOSTASY sample email #18: Anti-Obesity Combined Molecules, AKA FrankenCootieChemicals 

( Fellow Scienfoologists, please email Dr. DiMarchi at rdimarch@indiana.edu , or his flunky, Steve, at Indiana University slhinnef@iu.edu )

Access to FrankenCootieChemicals Please?

 

Hi Dr. DiMarchi,

 

          I see at http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2012/11/121113091902.htm that you and your fellow researchers have been successful in combining two different molecules to fight obesity in mice.  I am VERY happy for the mice; thanks much!  On the behalf of ALL mice EVERYWHERE, Kudos!

          Now what about us humans?  Yes, I know…  The FDA is going to make you and your fellow doctors, chemists, etc., spend the next 79 years or so, and untold millions of dollars, endlessly verifying that no bunny waaabbits, endangered bacteria or slime molds, or tree huggers, in this or any possibly conceivable alternate universe, will EVER be hurt by ANY kind of combined molecules (AKA FrankenCootieChemicals ; scary thought, to be sure, indeed!).

Us tens of thousands of obese mere, regular humans will just have to wait.  Our could-be-prevented deaths don’t stack up, because, after all, we’re not THAT endangered.  Government Almighty Has Spoken.  Government Almighty giveth, and Government Almighty taketh away, Blessed Be the Name of Government Almighty.  In fact, if you will examine www.ChurchofSQRLS.com , you will see that we Scienfoologists actually, literally DO Worship Government Almighty!  So we do NOT believe in protesting the Perfect Love of our Government Almighty, that would be unseemly!

          However, we Scienfoologists DO believe in religious freedom, especially the religious freedom to feed, inject, medicate, or otherwise quasi-medically treat our EFFIGIES with faith-based, medical-like treatments, which, through faith, religious healing power, and placebo (belief) powers, will then heal us of our (strictly) SPIRITUAL ills (and as a beneficial by-product, from time to time, physical heal us as well, but that’s all under the realm of religious / belief freedom).  So we millions of Scienfoologists, we were wondering, might you (please) advise and assist us?  Just HOW do we exercise our religious freedom to freely access these combined molecules?  Where did you buy them, how can we get some?  What special forms would we have to fill out, for religious-freedom exemptions?

Utterly strangely enough, for some mysterious reason, I wonder if you might perhaps think me to be some sort of “Whack Job”?  If so, I would point you to the following, as well as to my web site:  Please do not confuse us with Scientology.  But if you will examine web sites like http://skepdic.com/emeter.html and also http://www.catholic.org/national/national_story.php?id=41507 , then you will find that the Church of Scientology has founded some VERY nice precedents for us Scienfoologists to follow!  Even though their “E-meter” could clearly be construed as a medical device, the FDA and the courts “left them off the hook” in 1963, when Scientology agreed to various stipulations, such as putting a “non-medical device” disclaimer label, clearly up front and center, on their device.  They have not complied, and they still use their “quasi-medical device”, with the label buried on the bottom.  And the FDA has not shut them down, nor is it likely to.  But they have set fine precedents for us Scienfoologists to follow!  Religious freedom reigns supreme!

Anyway, please tell us how to access combined molecules for our Religious Effigies…

 

Thanks Much!

 

SQRLSy_1@ChurchofSQRLS.com

 

Dear Scienfoology Worshippers (in ALL of your BILLIONS AND BILLIONS!) J J J,

          As you can see by the above examples of APPOSTASY, I have now developed a near-perfect template to follow.  Just change the name, the email address, and a few relevant details, and, off you go!  Help us Scienfoologists to collect those Sacrificial Yummies!  In the interests of brevity, from here on in (perhaps with special exceptions), I will just list for you here, the web-site link of interest, the name of the researcher(s), and email address(es).  Please help!  As you can see, indubitably, I ***NEED*** help!!!

          Further potential sources of Sacrificial Yummies then:

          See http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2012/11/121118141516.htm concerning nano-particles for halting multiple sclerosis; email is l-shea@northwestern.edu for Prof. Lonnie D. Shea.

          See http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2012/04/120425143634.htm  concerning treating autism in mice, using a compound known as GRN-529; email is crawleyj@intra.nimh.nih.gov for Jacqueline Crawley, Ph.D., and jill.silverman@ucdmc.ucdavis.edu (I’m pretty sure) for Jill Silverman, Ph.D

 

         For APPOSTASY sample email(s) #19, this is an entire topic deserving a web page all by itself.  It may take some time to fully develop.  See  http://www.churchofsqrls.com/VACULLA/  It is about a About a VACcuum-Utilizing Leach-Like Apparatus…  Which could be used as a nose-hair trimmer, by semi-normal humanoids, ***IF*** they are fully licensed by Government Almighty, as a barber, of course!  OR, it might even be used to remove nasal polyps, by medical expertologists of expertology, who have gone to medical school for a gazillion years, and have paid gazillions of dollars to a near-endless array of rent-seekers.  ***OR***, of course, such a device could be used by unlicensed but religiously free Scienfoologists, for removing nose hairs OR nasal polyps, from their EFFIGIES!  Glory Be to Scienfoology!  No more here, though, no…  Don’t ruin your appetite before dinner!  Wait till later, and go and see  http://www.churchofsqrls.com/VACULLA/

 

          Now for a slight change of topics…  I have searched high and low, begged, borrowed, and pleaded, and have NEVER been able to find a Government-Almighty or pharmaceutical-industry form to fill out, for us Scienfoologists to acquire special religious-freedoms (ideally prescription-free) access to medical-like substances, or EXTREMELY dangerous medical devices like the lung flute or the ear-popper.  So, lacking such forms, I have devised one, see below.  It is called the “Trillion Year Contract”…  See, Scienfoology is a THOUSAND TIMES more serious-minded than Scientology is!  To learn about the “Billion Year Contract” in Scientology, just Google that phrase, or see http://www.cs.cmu.edu/~dst/Library/Shelf/wakefield/us-09.html or http://www.amazon.com/My-Billion-Year-Contract-Scientologist/dp/0578039222

          Get ON with it!  Here, then, is our own home-brewed “Trillion Year Contract”, to fill out when we ask for our Sacrificial Yummies  Use the below, till such time as Government Almighty devises a more-official one:

 

TRILLION YEAR CONTRACT FOR SCIENFOOLOGICAL ACCESS TO SACRIFICIAL YUMMIES

 

          I, ______(Humanoid Unit BR-549 for example)____________, being of sound mind and body, do hereby declare, on  ______Bimsday the 39th of Bemberbember, 2121_______, that I am a Devout follower of _____________________ (parenthetical comment, see, we Scienfoologists are VERY broad-minded; we allow our forms to be used even by non-Scienfoologists!).

 

          I do hereby certify my religious-freedom-based needs for special access to medical-like substances and devices to be as follows: ________  (Scienfoologists, please fill in this blank, explaining that our effigy-based religious and placebo-powers-beliefs requires us to acquire medical-like treatments for our EFFIGIES, not for ourselves, etc.)______

 

          Fully acknowledging the Powers of Government Almighty, and It’s Sacred Needs of providing Sacred Job Security, and big fat paychecks, to the Servants of the Industrial/Justice/Imprisonment Complex, I do hereby declare that ***IF*** I should be found to be pretending to hold religious beliefs that are “insincerely held”, by a Federal Judge (as pertains to the US Constitution Amendment #23-B-square-root-of-negative-one, which clearly states that your beliefs have to be validated by Government Almighty, as being “sincerely held”, before they have any validity at all), then I do hereby agree that I (and all of my future reincarnations) will gladly and willingly occupy a jail cell for the next trillion years.  I and the future incarnations of myself also agree to appeal our case at least once a year, to justify never-ending appeals and retrials, and job security for lawyers, etc.  Furthermore, we agree that if we are ever caught engaging in the Scienfoological “sin” called “HAM”, then we shall be spanked severely, under the full Penalty of Law.

 

          Signed Sincerely (Pending Government Almighty certification of Sincerity),     __________(Humanoid Unit BR-549)___________  

 

Dear Scienfoology Worshippers (in ALL of your QUADRILLIONS AND QUADRILLIONS!) J J J,

 

          Here is a collection of our other sub-web sites, for reference down here at the end of the main site:

http://www.churchofsqrls.com/sonograms/  and  http://www.churchofsqrls.com/Abortions/

 

          Also http://www.churchofsqrls.com/PEETA/ (for People’s Effigies Eating Tasty Animals) and http://www.churchofsqrls.com/SASSI_AT_HOME/ for a description of some powerful anti-spamming software that somebody, somewhere, should write…

 

Today I have a (not-so-NEW-now-any-more-actually) category of writings for your reading pleasure!  It is apostasy, plain and simple, in this case… 

 

I’m spinning this older, slightly stale stuff off to sub-sites to reduce the loading time of my main site now, go see http://www.churchofsqrls.com/apostasy/     Other sub-site is http://www.churchofsqrls.com/qandawithsqrlsy1/

 

OK, new as of 12-25-2012, Merry Christmas!  http://www.churchofsqrls.com/VACULLA/   About a VACcuum-Utilizing Leach-Like Apparatus…  Which must be allowed to speak for itself!  Just go read it…  (Yes, it is on my “do list” to get more done on that one, stay tuned please).

 

Meanwhile, millions of guns are running around killing billions of school-kids lately, having seemingly slipped the bonds of any responsible person anywhere nearby (certainly not anyone who’s got deep-enough pockets to be cleaned out by the lawyers), who actually PULLED THE TRIGGERS and should therefore be held accountable.  Troublesome indeed...  SURELY troublesome enough that the SQRLSY One should strap on boots, spandex, and cape, and ride to the rescue?!?!  Yes, abso-tootly!  Na-na-na-na-na-na, Na-na-na-na-na-na, FAT MAN!!!  (Or Frat Man, or Flat Babe, I’m not telling!!!) …  In any case, I ***AM*** riding to the rescue, though, with Scienfoological Solutions to theses & thoses kindses of troubles, please see  http://www.churchofsqrls.com/gunsandschools/  All we need is Scienfoology, Scienfoology, Scienfoology; Scienfoology is all we need…  (Beatles, beware, Scienfoologists are coming, and we’re a-gonna EAT YER LUNCH!!!!)

 

-SQRLSY One