Welcome to the Church of SQRLS Web Site!

(Church of SQRLS, FDA-Worshipping Diocese)

DON’T DO THIS!!!! Sub-Page

Last Updated 21 April 2018

By the High SQRLSy Priest / Priestess (AKA The SQRLSy One)

( Email me at SQRLSy_1@ChurchofSQRLS.com )

Return to root page at www.ChurchofSQRLS.com



Please excuse this bit of repetition from the text surrounding the link to here, from the main page, but…  This is about how one should definitely NOT build one’s own homemade lung flute, since this would be HIGHLY disrespectful towards Government Almighty and patent lawyers and so forth!  I do hope that the following comment will not be TOOOO terribly disrespectful of Government Almighty, but sometimes, it seems that Government Almighty passes SOOO many laws, that we’re just not sure any more, what’s allowed, and what’s not allowed!  Google the following phrase:  “Three felonies a day”, and you’ll see what I’m writing about.  So, as a pubic service, I am spelling out fairly precisely, what NOT to do here, so as to NOT fall afoul of Government Almighty!  Please proceed…

I have noticed that “The Google Knows All”, and that The Google, when prompted, will even come up with suggested associated search string, such as, “homemade lung flute” (that one most of all), AKA lung flute, homemade, home made lung flute, lung flute home made, lung flute, home made, etc.  At some time ago (months, a few years ago at most), I ***DID*** find associated links for this kind of topic!  But I can NOT find ANYTHING along these lines recently!

Now excuse my momentary digression, but (if you keep on reading) you will find the “method to my madness” shortly.  I am a devout adherent of Scienfoology; this cannot be doubted by sane humans.  But, if you will investigate Scientology (a TOTALLY DIFFERENT religion!), you will find that they ***SAY*** that Scientology is compatible with ANY and EVERY other religion!  But in reality, if you pay your thousands and thousands of dollars (of voluntary “contributions” to this “church”, wink-wink, nudge nudge), then you will be allowed to take their “religious training”.  HOWEVER, if you keep on saying things like “I believe that Jesus is The Way”, or “I believe that The Buddha is The Way”, then somehow, mysteriously, you will find yourself FAILING the Scientology training courses!  And having to take them over and over and over again, and having to make more “donations”!!!  In order to “advance up the bridge” of Scientology, or some such mumbo-jumbo.  And you only “advance up the bridge” AFTER you finally learn to say, “I believe that The L. Ron Hubbard is The Way, and The Only Way”.

Now we (me and the mouse in my pocket, and ten gazillion other followers of my Church) adherents of Scienfoology are NOT that way at ALL!!!  Not only will we NOT accept “contributions” in order to get “training”, we really and truly DO accept followers of other religions as well!  In order to be a GOOD Scienfoologist, ***ALL*** that you need to do, is to accept Government Almighty into your heart, as Your Savior!

Now PLEASE excuse this bit of repetition from the main page, but, at this point I am UTTERLY OVERCOME by the Spirit of Scienfoology Stuff and Stuff, and so we MUST divert to a moment of Worship!  Please join me in Song and Praise!  THEN we will return to matters at hand!


Scienfoology Song…  Please note that GAWD = Government Almighty’s Wrath Delivers!


Government loves me, This I know,

For the Government tells me so,

Little ones to GAWD belong,

We are weak, but GAWD is strong!

Yes, Guv-Mint loves me!

Yes, Guv-Mint loves me!

Yes, Guv-Mint loves me!

My Nannies tell me so!


GAWD does love me, yes indeed,

Keeps me safe, and gives me feed,

Shelters me from bad drugs and weed,

And gives me all that I might need!

Yes, Guv-Mint loves me!

Yes, Guv-Mint loves me!

Yes, Guv-Mint loves me!

My Nannies tell me so!



Our protectors, they will be,

FBI, TSA, and FDA,

With us, astride us, in every way!

Yes, Guv-Mint loves me!

Yes, Guv-Mint loves me!

Yes, Guv-Mint loves me!

My Nannies tell me so!


So NOW you will perhaps TRULY understand that sometimes I will write as both a Devout Scienfoologist, ***AND*** as a devout Christian, for example!  If you can follow along, that would be GREAT!

            Now, then, back to the history of “homemade lung flute”, as illuminated by the above.  PLEASE understand that as a Christian, I have to “love the sinner, but hate the sin”.  And as a Devout Scienfoologist, I simply ***MUST*** bow and worship Government Almighty!  That’s the context in which we can best follow the below, then…

            So “homemade lung flute” leads us to just about nowhere!  It leads us to https://www.dailystrength.org/group/copd-emphysema/discussion/homemade-lung-flute and to http://www.vsplanet.com/ubbthreads/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=996178 where both sub-links go to the void…  Courtesy of “Tom” AKA “Tommix” AKA “Tom Mix”.  Also the same is true of “Karen M. Rose”, who used to have a You-Tube video out there about this, but https://www.pinterest.com/pin/458382068302751361/ shows the name of “Karen M Rose” as having built a homemade lung flute, but the video is no longer available.

            Now I don’t really know one way or the other, but I wonder if these homemade-lung-flute manufacturers have fallen afoul of patent lawyers and the Government Almighty (Praises Be!) that backs the lawyers up.  Perhaps one or the both of them is being held in solitary confinement, without having had any semblance of a trial, “for their own protection”, hundreds of miles from their families.  Now if you think that “this sort of thing doesn’t happen in the USA, thank Government Almighty!”, let me paste in a link that shows what the Government Almighty of the State of Tennessee has been up to.  See https://www.commercialappeal.com/story/news/crime/2018/02/15/tennessee-not-convicted-crime-sent-solitary-confinement-safekeeping/1026151001/ , AKA “Special Report: Alone and afraid, Tennesseans not convicted of a crime spend months in solitary”.

            So the Christian in me says that “Tom Mix” and “Karen M. Rose” are hopefully being forgiven for their Government-Almighty-disrespecting sins, and aren’t in solitary confinement (without a trial) for too terribly long, or otherwise suffering.  The Scienfoologist in me wants to see ‘em being “hung high” for their blasphemy against patent lawyers and Government Almighty!!!  Blending my two belief systems together, I would note that Jesus told us something along the lines of, “Give to Government Almighty, that which belongs to Government Almighty, and give to, um, what was it, your own free-will Conscience or some such, and your own moral intuition, that which belong to your own moral intuition”.  Almost EVERYTHING belongs to Government Almighty these days, and so I am VERY GLAD that I can still use my own fingernails to scratch my own butt, WITHOUT a prescription!  Now, as soon as I manufacture a “device” to help me scratch my own butt, that will probably be called a “medical device”, and I will risk the wrath of Government Almighty.

            In summary of all the above, just let me say this:  “Tom Mix” and “Karen Rose” may or may not be suffering horribly for their sins, but it would sure be a tragedy compounded if we were NOT to learn our lessons from their misdeeds!  We should ALL know EXACTLY what is forbidden to do!  So, as a pubic service, I will document fairly precisely, what we should NOT do, so that we can all be “fully informed”, in order to enable ourselves to escape the Wrath of Government Almighty!  Jesus told us that “The Truth will set you free”.  So I believe that the FULL Truth, in as much detail as is possible, should be provided to you, Dear Reader, about what NOT to do, here, that you may NOT fall into Sin and Disobedience against Government Almighty!

            Bear with me as I momentarily divert to a “general lung flute update” of sorts, since it has been since November of 2016 that I have last updated these pages here, and it is now Feb. of 2018 here.  First off, please note that the “Medical Acoustics” version of the lung flute STILL requires a prescription, but ONLY in the US of A, AKA the “Land of the Free, and Home of  the Brave”.  It is a sad-sad day, when those heathen foreigners in those heathen foreign lands are NOT being properly protected from physician-unsupervised blowing on cheap plastic flutes!  Perhaps our USA soldiers should be invading those lands to bring TRUE civilization to the heathens!  But I digress from my digressions…

            So here you go:

http://www.lungflute.com/BUY-LungFlute.aspx "Medical Acoustics" for the original lung flute still says...

Patients in the USA or any US Territory require a prescription to buy the Lung Flute
Once you have a prescription you can buy the Lung Flute directly online
Lung Flute orders for other countries do not require a prescription

$49.50 in mainland USA, includes shipping.

            Now, if you “Google” “lung flute Amazon”, you can find an “Acapella Vibratory PEP Mucus Clearance Device by Smiths Medical” for $39 (apparently includes shipping).  Note that it is NOT called a “lung flute”, it is called a blah-de-blah.  ALSO note that THIS one does NOT require a prescription!!!  I have no idea WHY Government Almighty protects us from physician-unsupervised blowing on cheap plastic flutes of one kind, but not of another.  This is among the Mysteries of the Ages…  Perhaps we will never know…  I also do NOT know how many patent lawyers that “Smiths Medical” had to pay, in order to fend off the Wrath of Government Almighty.  Yet another mystery…

            The mysteries go on and on.  Can I safely build a similar device for making noises to attract elephants or ephelumps?  Or, to repel such elephants or ephelumps?  Or, for making party-celebrating whistles?  Or party-goer repeller devices?  Such-type assorted other uses of a device of this kind are detailed on the main page at www.ChurchofSQRLS.com  Go there and search for “ephelumps” for more details.

            The other use of such devices that is described in EXCRUCIATING detail (TRUST me on THIS one!) on the main page at www.ChurchofSQRLS.com is that such devices (or any other) can be used for non-medical, RELIGIOUS RITUALS uses on your religious effigy.  The religious rituals tap into the vast, and usually underestimated, “placebo powers”, and (must I repeat?) they are strictly NON-medical.  So hopefully we Scienfoologists can get special exemptions from the FDA.  However, the FDA has NEVER explained to me (or anyone else that I know of), HOW do Scienfoologists (or others) get special religious exemptions?  Also note that (as once again detailed on the main page), using NON-medical devices on YOUR OWN PERSONAL BODY (as opposed to your religious effigy) is a HORRIBLE violation of Scienfoology practices, and I am clearly agitating AGAINST such violations!  Search the main page for HAM, AKA “Heresy, Apostasy, & Malpractice”.

            So let me state it straight out:  PLEASE DO NOT PERFORM ANY OF THE STEPS OUTLINED HERE!!!  Do not gather the materials and assemble them as described!!!  ***IF*** you are going to NOT listen to me, and make such a device or devices of this or similar kinds, then PLEASE be sure to hire an army of lawyers to advise you!!!  And IF you are going to use such devices on your religious effigy, then do it ONLY by remote control, behind and 18-foot-tall (or taller) 3-yard-thick (or thicker) blast-proof safety wall made out of unobtanium!!!  (Do NOT come belly-aching to me, if you ignore my sage advice!)

            OK, let’s get ON with it, then, shall we?




        Do NOT (for the Ever-Bleeding LOVE of Government Almighty!!!) obtain the following:


        ‘1)  A cutting implement capable of cutting plastic (a saw).


        ‘2)  A hole-drilling implement capable of drilling plastic (a drill).


        ‘3)  A clear-plastic turkey baster (large pipette), or similar “flute body”.


        ‘4)  Some stiff (but flexible) plastic to form the “reed”.  Best is “acetate” sheet, as was used by “foil flippers” on overhead projectors, in the “good old days”.  Office supply shops still carry these, so if you want to follow my good advice, and NOT get some of this acetate stuff, a good place to NOT get it, is at “Office DePot”.


        ‘5)  A pair of scissors for NOT cutting the acetate “reed”.


        ‘6)  A nail which is at least ¾ of an inch longer than the OD (Outer Diameter) of the tube, where you want to NOT anchor the reed!


        ‘7)  Needle and thread, for NOT sewing the acetate “reed” end into a loop, for NOT lassoing the acetate loop onto the nail.  The thread should also NOT be used for “fishing into place”, the reed, for nail placement.  ALTERNATE:  For NOT forming the reed into a loop, a staple or staples would be easier to add, than NOT having to sew some stitches!  If you have a working, loaded stapler handy, I would recommend NOT using it, to NOT save some work!


        ‘8)  Duct tape, for NOT wrapping around the outside-of-the-flute-body end of the nail, to NOT keep the nail from sliding out of the flute body.


            Now let’s just write out the non-bulletized (pretty simple) written instructions, on what should NOT be done:  Do NOT take the turkey baster and discard the squeeze bulb.  Optionally, do NOT cut off a wee tad of the constricted (fluid up-sucking) “business end” of the baster, so as to NOT allow for more air inflow volume, at the “lips” end.  Do NOT “deburr” this cut end.  Do NOT drill a hole ½ or 3/4th of an inch or so, from the “lips” end of the turkey baster, clear through both walls of the tube, with drill diameter slightly greater than the OD (Outer Diameter) of the nail.  Do NOT cut a “reed” shape of acetate to fill most (but not all) of the inner shape of the tube, with clearance left for oscillations in the reed.  Do NOT leave extra length at the “lips” end of the reed, for sewing (or stapling) a loop.  Do NOT sew (or staple) a loop end onto the reed.  Do NOT use a temporary long piece of thread to snag the loop, and pull it from the bulb end of the tube, towards the “lips” end of the tube (having NOT passed the thread through the lips end).  Do NOT “jigger” and rotate the reed loop till it is aligned with the nail-holes, and pass the nail through the holes and the reed-loop (while looking through the clear plastic tube-walls).  And finally, do NOT remove the temporary “jiggering” thread, and do NOT thicken the non-head or sharp end of the nail, with duct tape, so as to NOT secure the nail and prevent it from sliding out.  Don’t do ANY of these things!!!  Ye have been WARNED!!!

            This is the essence of what to NOT do.  Now, I will prepare drawings and/or photos, for the mechanically not-inclined, or, alternately, for those who find my writings to be obtuse.  Once again, I want it to be as clear as I can make it, what it is, that you should NOT do!  I want to PROTECT you from sin and wrong-doing!



            A friendly reminder for the readers out there, in all of their millions and billions…  The above illustrates what NOT to do!!!  Especially if you do NOT want to be lovingly punished by your favorite patent lawyers and their ever-eager Government Almighty enforcers!  However, I didn’t want to clutter up my drawings with endless repetitions of “do NOT do THIS!”  So the above is provided “as is”.  Reader, beware!

            So in the same vein, let me add just one more drawing (this time from the “top”, or an edge-on view of the reed), to clarify what I mean by using some thread to NOT jigger and pull and twist or rotate the reed, for NON-nail placement.  This is why the tube-wall (of the rube-wall) should NOT be transparent (“clear”, to use a favored Scientology term, hereby “culturally appropriated” for Scienfoological uses, perhaps)…  The tube-walls should NOT be “clear”, so as to PREVENT your vision-guided placement of the nail through the acetate-reed-sown-loop!  So as to PREVENT your egregious SINS!!!



In ALL of my many-many sincerely held religious beliefs, I do ***NOT*** want you to fall into sin!!!  Not into sin against Government Almighty, the patent lawyers, L. Ron Hubbard, the FDA, the physician’s cartel, the AMA (American Mendaciousness Association), or ANYONE else!  THAT is why the above drawings, etc., are provided, is to PROTECT you, by providing detailed information about what you should NOT do!

However, if all is NOT “clear” to you, I wouldn’t actually-really-sincerely recommend that you go to the so-called “Church” of Scientology.  I would, instead, sincerely recommend that if you need “clarification” into the state of being “clear” about all this (about what NOT to do), that you write me an email at SQRLSy_1@ChurchofSQRLS.com  BE GOOD!!!  (If’n ye cannot be GOOD, at least be GOOFY!!!).

At this point, “I just don’t know any more”, what to say or do.  The only somewhat-open question that I can see that remains is…

WHAT exact model of turkey baster should I NOT use, to create such a dangerous, potentially civilization-as-we-know-it-destroying device?!?

I went to Walmart (circa end Feb. 2018, Any Town or Busy Town, USA), and bought “T-fal Comfort, Dripless Baster Poire Anti-Goutte” …  According to the packaging…  For $9.97 (with the black bulb as shown below).  The other is a “Tasty” “2PC BASTER SET” for $5.44…  Keep in mind, you do NOT want (if’n ye want to stay in the Good Graces of Government Almighty) to build such a MONSTEROUS device as is described above, and ye do NOT want to maximize the internal volume of the tube, nor do you want to custom-cut your reed for filling the internal space, while providing clearance!  That said, the black-bulb one is probably the one you want the LEAST, since it has more internal volume!  (It is more potentially full of SIN against Government Almighty!).  That said, I used “Dripless Baster Poire Anti-Goutte” as a shopping search-string, and found https://www.amazon.com/Prepworks-Progressive-Drip-less-Basting-Brush/dp/B0002UZRWO as a sample site...  With that, I am DONE, I am thoroughly BASTED and WASTED!  Happy shopping (If’n ye DARE, which I do ***NOT*** recommend!).

I have NOT built the above-described MONSTROUS device, because I am full of chicken by-products, if’n ye know what I mean, BAWK-BAWK-BOOOK-GAWK-GOOK!!!  Good luck to all; you are gonna NEED it!!!

Well OK then, what I mean by the above is, I am afraid of the Ever-Loving Graces of Government Almighty, so I did NOT build it!  If you REALLY want me to build it, to learn more, let me know, and, after having built it, I will test and photograph it (actually, have my religious EFFIGY test it), then BURN it, offering it as a “burnt sacrifice” to Government Almighty!  And then HOPE AND PRAY that I will escape the Ever-Loving Graces of said Government Almighty!  And then I can let you know what I have learned!  But do NOT (I BEG of you!) lightly ask this of me, lest I sin needlessly against Government Almighty!!!