Welcome to
the Church of SQRLS Web Site!
(Church of
SQRLS, FDA-Worshipping Diocese)
By the High
SQRLSy Priest / Priestess (AKA The SQRLSy One)
( Email me
at SQRLSy_1@ChurchofSQRLS.com )
Sub-Site gunsandschools
Last
updated 21 April 2018
Back to home page, www.churchofsqrls.com
…
Hi All of You Xillions & Zillions & Googleplexes of
Faithful Scienfoologists! And others…
As I have steadfastly mentioned (or at least implied) on
the main page ( www.churchofsqrls.com)
, people of Good Will everywhere depend on Government Almighty to be Universally
(or at the VERY least, Inter-Galactically) Benevolent, and Take Care of Us All;
and CERTAINLY of The Children! So it is
certainly VERY disturbing to contemplate that certain un-named individuals here
and there, from time to time… STEEL
yourselves, now, Dear Readers, for some VERY disturbing news… Actually, willfully and truly, even deliberately… VIOLATE ten gazillion laws, and use guns to
MURDER people, to include helpless schoolchildren! All the money we have spent for nearly
endless armies of lawyers, judges, therapists, social workers, and legislators,
and ten trillion laws, and mass murderers STILL mow down children in public
schools, with guns! So just WHAT is the
solution??!?! SURELY, we say to
ourselves and to our Totally Selfless Pubic Politicians & Sacred Public
Servants, just a FEW more gazillions laws, and THEN the shameless lawbreakers
will FINALLY be shamed into obeying the Sacred Laws of The Land, and NOT mordor
any more of our Precious Children! SURELY!!! And anyone who dis-believes, well, they,
themselves, MUST be shameless heathens! SURELY!!!
Well, for sure, Yours Truly, the SQRLSy One, doeth Yea
Verily agree with all of them thar Sacred Pus-Filled Postulates; I am NOT some
sort of Nazi-like heathen! We
Scienfoologists ALWAYS worship Government Almighty, and ALL associated Sacred
Postulates; see www.churchofsqrls.com
…
In the meantime, I, the SQRLSy One, have thought of a few
ideas about how to Protect The Children, and so I feel duty-bound to contribute
them, selflessly, to the pubic dopamine, or the public domain, or some such
sort of Noble and High-Sounding Thing, whatever… Read on, oh ye Faithful Followers!!! Please feel free to contribute the below
ideas to your own personal CongressPerson or CongressPig or
CongressIntestinalParasite or CongressSpaceAlien, as the case may be, and you
need NOT even bother to give Me, the Sacred Dear Leader of Scienfoology,
ANY credit at ALL, for Said Brilliant Ideas; I am ALL about the Pubic
Good!!! And NOTHING else, I say again,
NOTHING else?!?!?!, OK!??!?!?! Well,
maybe a few more contributions to the Sacred Coffers of Scienfoology would be
in order, which is, of course, is ALL about the Public Good, and NOTHING else,
but I digress… Back to the subject at
hand…
SUMMARY OF PROPOSAL
Simply put, why not put emergency guns in gun safes or
booths or alcoves (“in emergency, break glass”)? Place alarms so that the entire school
facility, plus the nearest police station, is alerted if anyone “break glass”,
via automated phone call. We already do
this sort of thing with fire alarms and fire extinguishers, and the local fire station,
and so why not with guns and the local police station? A simple combination lock for access (where
only the school personnel know the combination) would suffice if funds are
short… Or, perhaps, biometric access
(fingerprints scans, retina scans, etc.).
PLUS, a double-alarm system for safety would help… Recess the safe up close to the ceiling, so
one has to “break glass” to get at the stored step-ladder, first, and send out
alarms at THAT early point, for extra safety, for all you Nervous Nellies out
there… Alarms tied to accessing gun-safes
need NOT be horribly expensive or high-tech.
Think of the simple light beam and photo sensor at the bottom of your
garage door, to prevent the garage door from shutting on your kid or cat… These kinds of things can be made simply
& inexpensively. “In emergency,
break glass” can simply be “…break light beam” instead, that is. Various objections and possible remedies, and
variations of the basic scenario, are spelled out below.
PACIFIST OR OTHER ANTI-GUN OBJECTIONS – For those teachers
who are summarily opposed to guns in their classroom, we can put a TOY gun
behind the glass, if “break in emergency” is used… Or nothing, in the so-called “gun safe”. Now if any unruly schoolchildren “break
glass” to get violent, the toy gun is mere “entrapment” bait for them… Expulsion time! And done safely! We use so-called “entrapment” all the time,
to catch the bad guys, so why not use it to flush any such trouble-makers, out
of the schools?
RELIGIOUS OBJECTIONS – This topic is very near and dear to
my heart, me being a Devout Scienfoologist, and all. We Scienfoologists are generally Devout
Pacifists, yes… ALL violence is
BAD-bad-bad, EXCEPT, of course, if it is committed by Government Almighty! We Scienfoologists are frankly puzzled by
THAT whole deal, how Vice-Emperor Biden can be 2nd in line to the
Chief Warmonger & sponsor all sorts of Government-Almighty-Approved wars,
all over the Vast Empire, and then go and drag violent-video-game-making
executives, who make Noble Military Role-Playing shoot-‘em-up games like “Call
of Duty”… Sounds patriotic to ME… And chastise them for glorifying FAKE,
MAKE-BELIEVE violence! Can we just issue
military uniforms to all the teachers who volunteer, seeing as to how they are
already servants of Government Almighty, anyway? Declare the kid’s schoolrooms to be the new
war front, and march on? Would it not be
nice to see our tax money going to defend our own freedom and security first,
before that of the foreigners? Since we
pay the taxes, and they do not? Or shall
we implement world-wide taxes for our empire?
Well, I digress…
Anyway, we Scienfoologists ARE yea verily generally
lovingly and hippagroovalistically pacifistic, which is why we object to
shooting, yes, even the bad guys. So in
those schools where there are Scienfoological students present… Yes, we ARE legion, you’d be surprised to
know just HOW MANY of us are out there…
We would MUCH object, if there weren’t special provisions made on our
behalf! Specifically, there should ALSO
be an emergency alcove, “In case of emergency, break glass”, of course, with a
Scienfoological Sacred Effigy inside it.
And automated phone call would alert the nearest Scienfoological
Temple. There would also be a small
assortment of wigs, fake mustaches, and makeup, etc., and tie-in to local
security TV cameras, so that the practicing Scienfoological teacher or student
could quickly make up the effigy to look like the potentially offending
invader. Then the practicing
Scienfoologist(s) could proceed to shoot the EFFIGY OF THE POTENTIAL OFFENDER
rather than a live human being, thereby saving much trouble, anguish, and pain! Not to mention taxpayer expenses for all of
the emergency room visits and lawyers! Said
Scienfoologist(s) would, of course, conduct any such effigy-shooting ritual while
exuding reams and reams of loving, benevolent prayers for the potential
offender, via the Placebo Effect of the Everlasting Effigy Powers. The potential offender, Scienfoology has
PROVEN beyond a reasonable doubt, would Profoundly FEEL these Benevolent
Scienfoological Vibes, and mend his or her ways, and NOT shoot ANY
schoolchildren! TRUST Me on this!
OK, I hear all of your objections, of COURSE I do! Separation of Church and State, silly little
thingee-thing, yes… Well, OK!!! Even that utter fascist, George Bush Jr.,
realized, though, that by PASSING THE MONEY THROUGH THE HANDS OF GOVERNMENT
ALMIGHTY, the uncharitable aspects of assuming that conservatives are
automatically UN-compassionate, if they do not declare themselves to specifically
be of the sub-species known as “COMPASSIONATE conservatives”, are
cleaned up, pristine clean! Government
Almighty making your charity choices FOR you, at the points of guns and jails
and fines, is all just fine and dandy, as long as SOME of the Government
Almighty money goes to churches and synagogues and mosques and Scientology Temples, Sacred Atheist
Shrines, and Scienfoology Houses of Worship.
Yes, yes, we as Compassionate and broad-minded Scienfoologists know all
of this; For Sure!!! That is why
we propose, along with the “in emergency, break glass” alcoves for the fire
alarm, fire extinguisher, gun cabinet, Scienfoological Effigy, etc., we ALSO
add a Koran cabinet, a Bible cabinet, a Dianetics cabinet, a Torah cabinet, a
cabinet with a link to www.churchofsqrls.com
, etc.-etc.-etc., ALL of them automagically linked to a phone call to the
nearest House of Worship of WHATEVER your religion might be, so the
PROFESSIONALS (like ME for example!) can counsel you in the case of a spiritual
emergency! Problem solved!
In the more specifically Scienfoology-related domain, I
think I hear some of you Scienfoology skeptics out there, objecting to the fact
that I have previously stated that Scienfoology is ALL about “white magic”, and
that we do NOT dabble in the “dark side” of voodoo, of doing harm to the
effigies of others. And now I am saying,
yes, go ahead and SHOOT the effigies of the potential evil-doers??!?!?! What gives?!!?!
Well, every religion has Sacred Exceptions to their Sacred
Rules, you see. In Catholicism, sex is
dirty, so we can’t have married priests, but it’s OK to molest little
boys. In Islamofascism, gayness is
dirty, except if you are a big-wig elder in Afghanistan, and you want keep a little
boy toy or two. In Islamofascism also,
charity and compassion are mandated by Allah, except the infidels are to be
slaughtered w/o mercy. In all organized
religions, hypocrisy abounds. In
Religious Nationalism, we can be Devout Christians & then advocate putting
up billion-dollar super-walls to keep all of the swarming masses of illegal
humans OUT of the good part of town! All
is fair in Ideology and War, Sacred War.
Especially the War on Drugs. If
we are followers of the Church of Liberalism or the Worship of Government
Almighty, then yes, just like us followers of the Church of Scienfoology… Then if our son or daughter or favorite niece
or nephew got caught in “bad company” with a joint or an un-prescribed pain
pill or an un-prescribed lung flute…
Then OBVIOUSLY they were just pure-as-the-driven-snow innocents, caught
momentarily pushed into a bad spot by “peer pressure”… By pressure from the bad guys, from the bad
side of town… And we should trot out the
checkbook, and spend our thousands and even tens of thousands of dollars, to
keep them out of jail. And then go right
ahead, a day or two later, and vote for the same old politicians who cast their
votes to keep the OTHER guy’s kids in jail for smoking pot!!! That’s not MY kid, SEE!?!?! He’s a GOOD kid!!! Jails, fines, and taxes, stock in trade of
Government Almighty... Those kinds of things, they’re good for the OTHER guy
and HIS kids and favorites nieces and nephews, not for ME and MINE, see?!?!? And liberals who LOVE the power of Government
Almighty, they NEVER want to talk about the BIGGEST racist in town, which is
the Feds, who want to put all the POOR and DARK-SKINNED drug-partakers in jail,
it’s just a place we don’t want to go, that’s our HEROES at work there… Do NOT talk about the racism of the Warriors
of the Sacred War on Drugs, lest we be called “soft on crime”!!!
Anyway, at the end of the day, we Scienfoologists do yea
verily advocate, in this one special exceptional circumstance, dabbling in the
“dark side” of, yes voodoo-like, SHOOTING the effigies of the bad guys!!!! As an emergency measure only, surely, you
MUST understand. OK?!?! And ONLY, I must
repeat most emphatically, with GREAT Love of Peace and Grooviness and Yea
Verily Even Uber-Hippagroovalistic LOVE of our potential
children-shooters!!! They want to shoot
our children, ONLY because no one EVER smooched their behinds in JUST the
exactly correct (psychiatry-and-psychology-professionally-degreed-and-Government-Almighty-certified)
way, OK!?!?! So if we Enlightened Scienfoologists
merely practice our Sacred Art, and, yes, SHOOT their Sacred Effigies in JUST
the Right Loving Way, they (the real pepples behind the effigies) will come
around, OK?!?!? TRUST us!!! OK?!?!
What is WRONG with you non-conformist trouble-makers you?!?!? LOVE them just The Right Way, as you SHOOT
their effigies, yes, and ALL will be well!
TRUST us, please! TRUST the man
with the gun over there, telling us to beware, TRUST him, yes, especially if he
espouses opposing YOUR personal enemies, YES!!!
The enemy of my enemy is ALWAYS my friend, so ALWAYS be sure to arm the
enemy of your enemy!
OK, where were we?
Other potential objections to the Scienfoology Way? Or more globally in this case, to putting
guns in the “break glass…” alcoves in the schools? OK, yes, LACK OF TRAINING… I hear you now, as I channel my zillions of
readers… What about those poor teachers
who don’t now just exactly how to point a gun at the bad guy’s effigy, and pull
the trigger? Well, if you look at a fire
extinguisher, you’ll see some mumble-eesy, cheesy talk about “pull grommet pin
out of restraining aperture of the smegmatronic buglawoolla”, or some such
thing, and point in the general direction of the fire, and that’s it. And such fire extinguishers are put behind
the “break glass…” alcoves in many-many places, and NO lawyer ANYWHERE
envisions himself or herself suing the pants off of some poor bastard who DARED
to put out a fire and save thousands of lives and thousands of dollars in
buildings, because, well, they’re just not that nakedly greedy. Yet comes the idea of treating the EFFIGY,
for Chris-sakes, of the bad guy, similarly, with a gun, well, guns smell bad,
we can convince the jury of that, case closed!
Guns are bad, only bad guys want guns, except if they serve Government
Almighty!!! Case
CLOSED-CLOSED-CLOSED!!! … Wait a minute, can we re-open this case, and
simply propose that the gun cabinet have a super-special 10-second training
video, mandatory viewing before opening…
Yea verily blessed off by some Association of Professional Trainers of
Gun-Pointing and Trigger-Pulling Expertologists of Expertology at SOME Elite
Eastern-Coast Super-Elite Academia of Something or Else, Who Makes The Right
Campaign Contributions to Someone Special…
And the potential trigger-pullers can be specially TRAINED for 5 or 10
seconds, in just HOW to point that gun at the effigy, and PULL that
trigger? Grease the right palms, I am
saying, and ANYTHING can happen!!!
Ok, then, I am done, we Scienfoologists trust Government
Almighty, as do ALL sensible semi-intelligent entities EVERYWHERE!!! Case closed!
Now before we quit, I know that there are a LOT of other
axes to grind, out there. Guns are WAY
dangerous, they KILL people, and not just EFFIGIES, for Chrissakes, Allahsakes,
etc., I hear you, crying out in anguish!
Yes, we Scienfoologists DO yea verily hear you, let me assure you!!!
That is why I as the SQRLSy One do yea verily hear your
cries for mercy, and do fully acknowledge that there are SPECIAL needs of the
SPECIAL children, whose needs should be elevated above all else. In the schoolroom, yes, the “in case of
spiritual emergency” (break glass) alcoves should be readily available to all,
in all normal cases (fire emergency, spiritual crisis, need for access to a
Bible, Koran, or Scienfoology Sacred Effigy, etc.). These normal and non-dangerous alarms and
emergency needs should be made easily available, at waist level, to ALL
teachers and students, clearly and plainly.
Now the need to KILL an aggressor (if you are a
non-Scienfoologist, a Scienfoology unbeliever; we all have the freedom to be
flat-out WRONG ), or the need to shoot an effigy, if you are a
MUCH-more enlightened, peace-loving, and hippagroovalistic Scienfoologist… This is a MUCH more different kind of thing,
involving deadly firearms, and that is why I as Chief Scienfoological SQRLSy
One say that such deadly instruments should be double-alarmed and be put in
alcoves up next to the ceiling, accessible ONLY after “breaking glass” to get
to the step-ladder that will get you up there in the first place.
NO expenses should be spared when Protecting Our
Children!!! So when we put up our
bi-level “In Emergency…” alcoves, with the non-deadly instruments put down
below, and the Deadly Instruments put up High on the Upper Level, Beyond the
Mere Mortals… There are a few fringe
benefits to this “bi-level” approach, which will become clear soon… While we are placing this new infrastructure
anyway, we can meet a few other needs…
To wit, see http://reason.com/brickbat/2012/06/06/breathe-freely
and http://reason.com/archives/2002/04/01/asthma-attack
and http://www.wesh.com/Parents-Of-Student-Denied-Inhaler-Get-Attorney/-/11788876/14348994/-/knjiec/-/index.html
... Oh, and, http://www.denverpost.com/news/ci_19997417
and http://denver.cbslocal.com/2012/01/28/2-students-face-expulsion-for-sharing-an-asthma-inhaler/
… I have also read of a 6-year-old on a school-bus who saved the life of her
fellow humanoid by sharing her inhaler, only to be sent to Siberia for her
horrible misdeed of treasuring human life over the pay-checks of the Sacred
Ones Who Write Sacred Prescriptions For All Of Us (medically ignorant peons)! Sorry, cannot find a link for y’all right now
on that one… Suffice it to say, your Selfless
Public Servants at public school are WAY, way more concerned about making SURE
that NO doctor (fellow teat-suckers at the Breasts of Government Almighty),
ANYWHERE, gets deprived of his or her pay-checks for writing asthma-inhaler
prescriptions, than they have EVER been concerned about the life of your
school-kid, should he or she ever suddenly need access to asthma medicine.
So… Right up there
next to the ceiling, next to the gun case, there should be an (“In emergency
break glass…”) alcove containing some asthma inhaler. The final lock would NOT unlock until the
on-call physician at the other end of the line, was PROPERLY re-embarrassed for
the zillions they are owed, for PERMISSION for the mere humanoids who need
access to life-saving medicine, to yea verily save their lives! Rent-seekers everywhere MUST be
re-embarrassed; first things first!!!
Also right next to the gun case and
the asthma inhaler case (up there at the higher-emergency, next-to-the-ceiling,
safer, uber-safe level) there should be cases for lung flutes and for
earpoppers, see main page www.churchofsqrls.com
and search there for “earpopper” or “lung flute” or see http://www.lungflute.com/Lung-Flute-Buy.htm
and see http://www.anactivelife.com/documents/DOC_Requires_a_doctor_Rx.pdf?osCsid=62c68f3f154bc27015f198f3caa96531
… and You will see that you will need a
PRESCRIPTION before you can blow on a cheap plastic flute, to use sound waves
to clear out the phlegm out of your throat, and that you will need a
PRESCRIPTION before you can pop your eardrums!
Kinda like “coughing”, see, or pinching your nose and blowing on it,
OK? So the emergency alcoves up there
could contain, yes, guns, asthma inhaler, lung flutes, and ear-poppers, oh
my!!! With automated emergency calls to
prescribing physicians… Perhaps, failing
the availability of a prescribing physician, an EMERGENCY, emergency call to
the All-Wise and All-Knowing FDA in Warshington, D.C. … The Sacred Rent-Seekers can be appeased, and
your child can relieve himself or herself of phlegm in the lungs, or
air-pressure differentials in his or her eardrums!!! Side benefits of my scheme, here, that are
NOT to be casually ignored, OK?!?!
And finally, yes, I as the SQRLSy
One DO yea verily, hear your parental cries of anguish… “OH, SQRLSy One, but WHAT about the Innocent
Children who might un-knowingly, innocently, COUGH, or PINCH THEIR NOSES AND BLOW
UPON THEM, without ANY benefit of Modern Medical Dangerously Un-prescribed
Instruments of Medical Death and Destruction, w/o ANY benefits of a Prescribing
Physician, upon the public school grounds, without my knowledge?” This is a VERY valid concern, and I am SOOOO
glad you have raised this most important question!!!
The answer is, we must put TV spy
cameras in ALL the public schools, to prevent ANY such un-authorized
nose-pinching, nose-blowing, coughing, etc.!!!
Our freedoms and security must be protected and preserved, at all costs,
everywhere!!! Costs?!?! COSTS, for the sake of the
Ever-Living, Ever-Loving Government Almighty?!?!? What are you SAYING,
here??!!? Let’s just cast us a twenty-googleplex
platinum coin, put it in the treasury, and be DONE with it! See http://www.eurasiareview.com/21012013-ron-paul-krugmans-trillion-dollar-coin-is-not-real-wealth-oped/
Paul Krugman to the rescue!!! … Costs
are NOTHING, I say, NOTHING!!! Government Almighty can just make money out of
thin air; such are Its Powers of Almightiness; do NOT worry about such SILLY
things as COSTS; thinking about COSTS is just a silly old thing that the old-time
Neanderthals, bill-payers, fools, foogies, and squares used to worry
about. No more!!!
Well, just now I have laid my hands
upon the forehead of My Own Dear Sacred Effigy, Star-Trek-Spock-style, and have
Yea Verily read them thar “Cosmic Vibes” as they used to call them in the old
days, and it does come to my mind now, that, yes, some of you out there in
reader-land think that I am “off of my meds”, maybe, or some such thing. That some of my above ideas are “whack”…
So it seems to me that it’s time for
a short break for a study of Scienfoological history on associated matters, and
of comparative religions, and of comparative so-called “whack-ness”, although
on second and third and fourth thought, that latter two comparative studies may
be repetitively, redund-dund-dund-ant-antly repetitive and
repititititititious. In a preview of
coming attractions, we will then conclude that my proposals are NOT quite
“whack” ENOUGH, and we (me and my effigy, that is) will propose some MORE
proposals!
Historically, in the way-ancient
days, schools were about learning useful things, and nothing else. In the days of the Schools of Hard Knocks
(and hard rocks), it was all about either ‘A) out-running the hungry sabre
toothed tigers, sabre toothed bunny waaabbbits, and sabre toothed bad hair days
or ‘B) ganging up on them, and pelting them to death with hard rocks. And so school was a simple concept, and our
ancestors didn’t NEED armies of lawyers to fight about the curriculum. Then
some time went by, and the concept of fire extinguishers and “In case of
emergency, break glass” alcoves was invented.
This sounded like a very good idea at the time, bringing such things
into school. It is hard to learn when
one’s building or one’s body is on fire.
So we went with it… Then we
started adding more and more… It is hard
to learn when one is distracted by gang wars or aids or global warming or drugs
or hookers or multi-ethnic awareness or aromatherapy awareness, and so on. And so we have to add more and more items to
the curriculum, and by logical extension, to what all things we should add to
the “in case of emergency…” alcoves. For
example, WHO can deny that it’s VERY hard to learn when crazy mad-persons are
SHOOTING at us? Or, just HOW can we
learn, if we are overcome by drug withdrawal or mad sexual lusts?!?! So OF COURSE there should be “in case of
emergency…” alcoves for drug-injection needles (yes, of COURSE, with automated
phone call to prescribing physician), because CLEAN drug needles prevent aids
(and they are only REALLY clean, if they have been prescribed). And an emergency alcoves also, for emergency
needs for condoms and birth-control pills, in case your 6-year-old is suddenly
overcome by uncontrollable passions. OF
COURSE! Unless you are some sort of troglodyte
who wants Our Children to be needlessly distracted from LEARNING important
stuff like Hippagroovalism Awareness?!!?
Then yes, about the guns, and the
religious freedom, and separation of church and state… Compassionate Conservatism, though, makes the
church-state thing all cleaned up by passing the money through the hands of
both the Church AND the State, see, and modern multi-ethnic progressive
hippagroovalism does away, in its own way, with these kinds of worries, by
saying that ALL religions are GOOD (except maybe for conservative Christianity,
but let’s not talk about that). As long
as the State (AKA Government Almighty) does not prefer one religion over
another (ugh, hack, barf, that would involve a “value judgment”, and GAWD
knows, we don’t want any of THAT business in the schools).
And so, that’s why, at the end of
all these kinds of arguments and hand-wringing, I as the SQRLSy One come flying
(in my spandex, boots, and cape) through your window, to your rescue, to lay
your fears to rest… With MORE good
ideas! So as you can see, we can be way
tolerantly hippagroovalisticvally multi-culturally broad-minded, and put up
spiritual-emergency alcoves with Bibles, Korans, Torahs, Atheist Manuals, sure,
duh, don’t bore us all to death. Well, how
about some sacrificial goats and chickens, for any teachers or children who
practice Santeria? More to the point, we
do NOT want to get JUDGMENTAL here… For
the practicing Islamofascists, we are ALSO going to have to provide a spiritual-emergency
booth equipped with bombs and suicide vests.
And no, we may NOT put that thar particular emergency alcove up on the
upper level, with the guns and the asthma inhaler and earpopper and lung flute,
no Sir! That might exclude, discriminate
against, objectify, humiliate, demean, ostracize, or stereotype sincere
Islamofascists and their morally alternative life-styles and death-styles, this
idea that we should put THEIR faith-objects up there in the same dirty /
dangerous category as weapons of self-defense, lung flutes, and earpoppers, oh
my!
Now my vibes-meter is once again
detecting you thinking I am “whack”… Am
I!?!?! AM I?!?!?! Check
this out: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fort_Hood_shooting
... Here we have an army base FULL of
people who have been trained to carry weapons and to kill people, and have been
credentialified etc. by Government Almighty Itself, for such duties… But only the SPECIALLY specially certified
expertologists of expertology of such things, the on-base military police, can
carry guns on-base! Soldiers are NOT
allowed to defend themselves, and so a member of The Tribe of the whackiest of
the whack, a whacked-out expertologist of the Highest Expertology of All, Those
Who Can Read Our Minds and Heal Our Souls (and testify about it in court), the
Sacred Psychiatrists… Is allowed to
snuff said under-educated soldiers and officers, who can NOT be trusted to
carry guns to defend themselves and their friends, on base! This murderous Islamofascist shrink had
PLENTY of history of disturbing the bejezus out of fellow soldiers, with
Islamofascist rants and such, but, hey, he’s got his degrees and credentials
and so forth, Government Almighty has conferred upon him some of THE highest
degrees of Expertology known to humans; who are WE to question such Elevated
Beings??!! If he could not be restrained
from unlawful gun violence, by ten zillion laws, on a Government Almighty army base
chock-FULL of law-abiding, Government-Almighty obeying instruments of the Will
of Government Almighty, then WHERE is the hope that a FEW MORE LAWS will fix it
all? As Devout Scienfoologists, we will
simply TRUST in Government Almighty, yes…
Then for one more small mental
exercise, I would ask for you to consider that many airline pilots are former
military pilots, who were entrusted by Government Almighty to fly planes loaded
with nuclear weapons. But today, the
same pilot can NOT be trusted with a handgun in the cockpit! I suspect that a major reason why is, they
are no longer in total and direct control by Government Almighty, and
rent-seekers therein, who want to control the last little micro-steps of all
mind slaves everywhere. So… To solve the problem with the pilots who
might need emergency access to a handgun in the cockpit, I propose the gun be
put into an “in emergency, break glass” alcove, as usual, but with a radio link
to the Emperor, and to the CongressSlimeMolds.
Before the gun can actually be released from the safe, a selected
CongressSlimeMold, or maybe even The Emperor Himself, should make a GLORIOUS
1-hour speech, and THEN re-activate the military commission of the airline
pilot, and then the pilot would be allowed to throw his wheelcap up into the
air, service-academy-graduation-style, and THEN he would be actively serving directly
under The Emperor again, and THEN he might FINALLY be allowed to shoot the
terrorist intruder in the cockpit (while praising the Wise Emperor, who
permitted the self-defense, and defense of others, to occur). Problem solved, rent-seekers paid off!
Similarly,
long speeches and military commissions and wheelcap-throwing ceremonies could
be awarded to teachers in schools, who need to access the gun safes, before
they can actually use the guns to shoot violent intruders, or the effigies of
the intruders, depending on whether or not the teachers are Scienfoologists. This way, The Emperor wouldn’t feel so left
out & ostracized, when the teachers-become-military-heroes get ribbons to
put on their chests… The Emperor gets to
be involved, authorizing it all, and could even make speeches afterwards, when
He pins military ribbons on their chests.
This is clearly a win-win-win situation here!
Well OK, enough endless yammering
about all these MOST excellent ideas… It
is now time for some DRAWINGS to illustrate them all! First off, the boring stuff, for old-time
fuddy-duddy believers in old-time religions:
Now if some of your students and /
or teachers are more hippagroovalistic followers of more progressive,
newer-type Hollyweird-type religions, like Scientology for one randomly
selected instance of such things, then you’re going to have to put up one or
more of these…
Now if some of your students or
teachers (or even the janitor or other staff) are followers of Santeria, they
might need a live chicken or goat, to sacrifice in a spiritual emergency, and
we don’t want to ostracize ANYONE, and all religions and cultures are equal,
and what-not, so here’s your Santeria emergency alcove…
Now if some of your down-home folks
here are anti-Muslims, if anti-Muslimism is THEIR faith, sorry, I can’t help
you there, sorry, some fanatics might blow up the entire Universe to PROVE that
others are all totally WRONG about them being violent and hateful, and
all. But now if you are some sort of
anti-CHRISTIAN, well, we can always get some public tax dollars to fund your
“art”, like “Piss Christ”, for example.
So the anti-Christian crowd is going to need one of these here below
emergency alcoves… Oooops, sorry, I
cannot find a decent image that really captures that whole deal, go Google
“piss Christ” if you are interested…
Moving on now…
As we discussed, if Johnny can’t
read, it’s probably because Johnny is too distracted from his studies, by his
utterly, totally, COMPLETELY un-controllable sexual needs, and so we are going
to have to provide one or more of these…
Or maybe Johnny can’t read because
Johnny is too distracted from his studies, by his utterly, totally, COMPLETELY
un-controllable need for drugs, so we’ll have to give him methodone, which is
just like heroin, see, in that you can OD on it and / or kill yourself and, of
course, get a good buzz on, BUT, it is FAR more hippagroovalistic, because
Government Almighty employees and helpers and various hangers-on get paid your
tax money to run the scheme, whereas heroin money goes to the
NON-Government-Almighty types of hangers-on, see? Kinda like Government Almighty’s war in
Afghanistan, where we’re propping up the GOOD drug dealers (the Afghan
Government Almighty and its cronies) against the BAD drug dealers (and
politically un-connected poppy growers, etc).
… Well anyway, for your druggie
emergency, methodone, of course…
OK, sorry for all the diversions, we
need to at least briefly get back to guns and schools. Some people are going to worry about, well,
if people are allowed to defend themselves with weapons in the schools, what is
going to happen to all of our Totally Selfless Government Servants, who depend
on defending us from kindergartners who might be tempted to point fingers at
each other, and say “bang, bang, you’re dead, brush your teeth, and go to
bed?” Such horrible, dangerous,
anti-social behaviors must NOT go un-challenged, and the job security,
paychecks, job benefits, powers, and prestige of Government Almighty types who
protect us from such horrors, must ALSO never be endangered. But… Who
says we can’t have emergency guns in glass-covered alcoves, AND simultaneously
ALSO protect the “zero tolerance” policies and the Selfless Government Servants
who depend on these policies? We CAN
have our cake, and eat it, too! See http://gma.yahoo.com/blogs/abc-blogs/kindergartner-suspended-over-bubble-gun-threat-174618051--abc-news-topstories.html
, “it’s all good”, but who says we can’t do these kinds of things, PLUS have
glass-covered “security alcoves” with guns in them? I’m sure we could create MANY new jobs for
the Totally Selfless Government Servants, in
supervising the creation and administration of the “security alcoves”!
One other argument against
gun-containing security alcoves might be along the lines of, it would be
sexist. Manly men (hard-edged with
square jaws and all) love guns, and soft cuddly-wuddly feminist women are
scared of guns, so guns for security is a sexist idea. Well, horse malarkey, I say! Paint the guns nice cute pastel pink and soft
purple colors, put “Hello Kitty” decals on them, and we are all squared
away! See http://www.kittyhell.com/category/hello-kitty-guns/
for details. In that vein, and stealing photos
from said web site, then, I finally present to you…
Well, back now to the category of
spiritual emergencies, and not wanting to ostracize ANYONE for belonging to the
wrong group, and all, and the associated, unquestionable dogma that any one
religion possibly being “better” than another, MUST be a totally biased,
discriminatory, and fascistic “value judgment” and all, well, we REALLY must
provide any attendant Islamofascist students or teachers, with THEIR articles
of faith, also. NO ostracism allowed
here!
And now I am consulting with my Own
Sacred Effigy once again, reading y’all’s minds out there, Scienfoology
Faithful and Scienfoology skeptics alike…
Wearing my tri-cornered aluminum-foil hat this time also… And I am hearing your skeptical thoughts and
questions. HOW could I advocate placing
“emergency alcoves” with suicide-bomb vests in them!?!?! Well, I say, how could I NOT do so, when I am
trying my utter utmost to be hippagroovalistically progressive, and even
“tragically hip”, as some would say?
Everyone knows that being broad-mindedly all-inclusive is a GOOD thing,
right?!?!!?! Oh, and yes, now, what was
that? What do you say? Keeping live chickens and live goats in the
Santeria emergency alcoves is what, kinda cruel, you say? …
Well, wait, I decidedly did NOT say, and don’t feed and water them,
either! Special animal-rights people
could be employed by the schools, and take care of THAT kind of thing, for
SURE! Costs!?!?! COSTS, for that kind of thing?!?! Hey, we’d be talking about a GOVERNMENT
FUNCTION, here; just cast a few more trillion-dollar, freshly-minted platinum-clad… Oh, save some money, in this category at
least… Cast some new trillion-dollar
coins made out of dog poop, throw them in the vault at the National Treasury,
and be done with it!
Now I am also channeling the vibes
of some of you out there, who think it is cruel on my part, to advocate that we
should assist the suicidal impulses of those who might want to put on that
suicide vest, and blow themselves (and us) away. Suicide is a bad-bad thing, you say. Well, OK, yes, then, I agree, although that
might be a “value judgment”. But did you
ever hear me say that we should encourage THE STUDENT OR TEACHER to put on that
suicide vest, and do the dirty deed? Or
should they perhaps encourage OTHER, lesser beings to do such things on their
behalf? How many middle eastern Mullahs
have done this to THEMSELVES, or their favorite child, or their favorite niece
or nephew? I have even read that common
middle-of-the-road moms and pops in various Middle Eastern nations resent the
heck out of holier-than-thou mullahs exhorting the OTHER guy to give up
themselves or their children for suicide bombings… Never themselves or their children. At a casual internet search, the closest that
I can come is this… http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2012/12/30/how-bullying-creates-suicide-bombers.html
... It’s not the most popular
square-jawed superheroes of the middle east, that they put up for this kind of
thing, no Sir! In fact, see http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22945797/ns/world_news-mideast_n_africa/t/handicapped-bombers-kill-dozens-iraq/
, the Islamofascists are quite happy to trick mentally handicapped people to do
their work for them.
So now I am carefully straightening
out my tin-foil hat, and I am hearing you say, “So, what are you saying? Are you saying, along with the live chickens
and the live goats for Santeria followers, these emergency alcoves / booths
should ALSO contain live mentally handicapped children, along with the suicide
vests, so that the hippagroovalistically progressive
no-religion-is-ever-to-be-judged-as-“bad”, Islamofascist followers, can equip
THEM with the suicide vests?” … Well,
no, I am NOT saying that, that was YOUR idea (logical extension though it may
have been). I do admit that this is
where this kind of “logic” takes us. I
hang my head in utter shame, and admit that I am just NOT quite that
broad-mindedly, tolerantly hippagroovalistic.
And no, I am NOT going to cook up a photo collage / drawing of the
mentally handicapped child in chains next to the suicide vest; the
Islamofascists will do that for us sooner or later, I will bet. After all, they are totally right, and so
they feel no shame. Unlike me, who
falls, yes, way short, on the tolerantly hippagroovalistic scale. SHAME on me, OK, I admit it, I am biased, prejudiced,
and all. I will go away and wear my hair
shirt and sulk now…
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