Welcome to the Church of SQRLS Web Site!
(Church of SQRLS, FDA-Worshipping Diocese)
By the High SQRLSy Priest / Priestess (AKA The SQRLSy One)
( Email me at SQRLSy_1@ChurchofSQRLS.com )
Last updated Feb-16-2013
Hi All of You Xillions & Zillions & Googleplexes of Faithful Scienfoologists! And others…
As I have steadfastly mentioned (or at least implied) on the main page ( www.churchofsqrls.com) , people of Good Will everywhere depend on Government Almighty to be Universally (or at the VERY least, Inter-Galactically) Benevolent, and Take Care of Us All; and CERTAINLY of The Children! So it is certainly VERY disturbing to contemplate that certain un-named individuals here and there, from time to time… STEEL yourselves, now, Dear Readers, for some VERY disturbing news… Actually, willfully and truly, even deliberately… VIOLATE ten gazillion laws, and use guns to MURDER people, to include helpless schoolchildren! All the money we have spent for nearly endless armies of lawyers, judges, therapists, social workers, and legislators, and ten trillion laws, and mass murderers STILL mow down children in public schools, with guns! So just WHAT is the solution??!?! SURELY, we say to ourselves and to our Totally Selfless Pubic Politicians & Sacred Public Servants, just a FEW more gazillions laws, and THEN the shameless lawbreakers will FINALLY be shamed into obeying the Sacred Laws of The Land, and NOT mordor any more of our Precious Children! SURELY!!! And anyone who dis-believes, well, they, themselves, MUST be shameless heathens! SURELY!!!
Well, for sure, Yours Truly, the SQRLSy One, doeth Yea Verily agree with all of them thar Sacred Pus-Filled Postulates; I am NOT some sort of Nazi-like heathen! We Scienfoologists ALWAYS worship Government Almighty, and ALL associated Sacred Postulates; see www.churchofsqrls.com …
In the meantime, I, the SQRLSy One, have thought of a few ideas about how to Protect The Children, and so I feel duty-bound to contribute them, selflessly, to the pubic dopamine, or the public domain, or some such sort of Noble and High-Sounding Thing, whatever… Read on, oh ye Faithful Followers!!! Please feel free to contribute the below ideas to your own personal CongressPerson or CongressPig or CongressIntestinalParasite or CongressSpaceAlien, as the case may be, and you need NOT even bother to give Me, the Sacred Dear Leader of Scienfoology, ANY credit at ALL, for Said Brilliant Ideas; I am ALL about the Pubic Good!!! And NOTHING else, I say again, NOTHING else?!?!?!, OK!??!?!?! Well, maybe a few more contributions to the Sacred Coffers of Scienfoology would be in order, which is, of course, is ALL about the Public Good, and NOTHING else, but I digress… Back to the subject at hand…
SUMMARY OF PROPOSAL
Simply put, why not put emergency guns in gun safes or booths or alcoves (“in emergency, break glass”)? Place alarms so that the entire school facility, plus the nearest police station, is alerted if anyone “break glass”, via automated phone call. We already do this sort of thing with fire alarms and fire extinguishers, and the local fire station, and so why not with guns and the local police station? A simple combination lock for access (where only the school personnel know the combination) would suffice if funds are short… Or, perhaps, biometric access (fingerprints scans, retina scans, etc.). PLUS, a double-alarm system for safety would help… Recess the safe up close to the ceiling, so one has to “break glass” to get at the stored step-ladder, first, and send out alarms at THAT early point, for extra safety, for all you Nervous Nellies out there… Alarms tied to accessing gun-safes need NOT be horribly expensive or high-tech. Think of the simple light beam and photo sensor at the bottom of your garage door, to prevent the garage door from shutting on your kid or cat… These kinds of things can be made simply & inexpensively. “In emergency, break glass” can simply be “…break light beam” instead, that is. Various objections and possible remedies, and variations of the basic scenario, are spelled out below.
PACIFIST OR OTHER ANTI-GUN OBJECTIONS – For those teachers who are summarily opposed to guns in their classroom, we can put a TOY gun behind the glass, if “break in emergency” is used… Or nothing, in the so-called “gun safe”. Now if any unruly schoolchildren “break glass” to get violent, the toy gun is mere “entrapment” bait for them… Expulsion time! And done safely! We use so-called “entrapment” all the time, to catch the bad guys, so why not use it to flush any such trouble-makers, out of the schools?
RELIGIOUS OBJECTIONS – This topic is very near and dear to my heart, me being a Devout Scienfoologist, and all. We Scienfoologists are generally Devout Pacifists, yes… ALL violence is BAD-bad-bad, EXCEPT, of course, if it is committed by Government Almighty! We Scienfoologists are frankly puzzled by THAT whole deal, how Vice-Emperor Biden can be 2nd in line to the Chief Warmonger & sponsor all sorts of Government-Almighty-Approved wars, all over the Vast Empire, and then go and drag violent-video-game-making executives, who make Noble Military Role-Playing shoot-‘em-up games like “Call of Duty”… Sounds patriotic to ME… And chastise them for glorifying FAKE, MAKE-BELIEVE violence! Can we just issue military uniforms to all the teachers who volunteer, seeing as to how they are already servants of Government Almighty, anyway? Declare the kid’s schoolrooms to be the new war front, and march on? Would it not be nice to see our tax money going to defend our own freedom and security first, before that of the foreigners? Since we pay the taxes, and they do not? Or shall we implement world-wide taxes for our empire? Well, I digress…
Anyway, we Scienfoologists ARE yea verily generally lovingly and hippagroovalistically pacifistic, which is why we object to shooting, yes, even the bad guys. So in those schools where there are Scienfoological students present… Yes, we ARE legion, you’d be surprised to know just HOW MANY of us are out there… We would MUCH object, if there weren’t special provisions made on our behalf! Specifically, there should ALSO be an emergency alcove, “In case of emergency, break glass”, of course, with a Scienfoological Sacred Effigy inside it. And automated phone call would alert the nearest Scienfoological Temple. There would also be a small assortment of wigs, fake mustaches, and makeup, etc., and tie-in to local security TV cameras, so that the practicing Scienfoological teacher or student could quickly make up the effigy to look like the potentially offending invader. Then the practicing Scienfoologist(s) could proceed to shoot the EFFIGY OF THE POTENTIAL OFFENDER rather than a live human being, thereby saving much trouble, anguish, and pain! Not to mention taxpayer expenses for all of the emergency room visits and lawyers! Said Scienfoologist(s) would, of course, conduct any such effigy-shooting ritual while exuding reams and reams of loving, benevolent prayers for the potential offender, via the Placebo Effect of the Everlasting Effigy Powers. The potential offender, Scienfoology has PROVEN beyond a reasonable doubt, would Profoundly FEEL these Benevolent Scienfoological Vibes, and mend his or her ways, and NOT shoot ANY schoolchildren! TRUST Me on this!
OK, I hear all of your objections, of COURSE I do! Separation of Church and State, silly little thingee-thing, yes… Well, OK!!! Even that utter fascist, George Bush Jr., realized, though, that by PASSING THE MONEY THROUGH THE HANDS OF GOVERNMENT ALMIGHTY, the uncharitable aspects of assuming that conservatives are automatically UN-compassionate, if they do not declare themselves to specifically be of the sub-species known as “COMPASSIONATE conservatives”, are cleaned up, pristine clean! Government Almighty making your charity choices FOR you, at the points of guns and jails and fines, is all just fine and dandy, as long as SOME of the Government Almighty money goes to churches and synagogues and mosques and Scientology Temples, Sacred Atheist Shrines, and Scienfoology Houses of Worship. Yes, yes, we as Compassionate and broad-minded Scienfoologists know all of this; For Sure!!! That is why we propose, along with the “in emergency, break glass” alcoves for the fire alarm, fire extinguisher, gun cabinet, Scienfoological Effigy, etc., we ALSO add a Koran cabinet, a Bible cabinet, a Dianetics cabinet, a Torah cabinet, a cabinet with a link to www.churchofsqrls.com , etc.-etc.-etc., ALL of them automagically linked to a phone call to the nearest House of Worship of WHATEVER your religion might be, so the PROFESSIONALS (like ME for example!) can counsel you in the case of a spiritual emergency! Problem solved!
In the more specifically Scienfoology-related domain, I think I hear some of you Scienfoology skeptics out there, objecting to the fact that I have previously stated that Scienfoology is ALL about “white magic”, and that we do NOT dabble in the “dark side” of voodoo, of doing harm to the effigies of others. And now I am saying, yes, go ahead and SHOOT the effigies of the potential evil-doers??!?!?! What gives?!!?!
Well, every religion has Sacred Exceptions to their Sacred Rules, you see. In Catholicism, sex is dirty, so we can’t have married priests, but it’s OK to molest little boys. In Islamofascism, gayness is dirty, except if you are a big-wig elder in Afghanistan, and you want keep a little boy toy or two. In Islamofascism also, charity and compassion are mandated by Allah, except the infidels are to be slaughtered w/o mercy. In all organized religions, hypocrisy abounds. In Religious Nationalism, we can be Devout Christians & then advocate putting up billion-dollar super-walls to keep all of the swarming masses of illegal humans OUT of the good part of town! All is fair in Ideology and War, Sacred War. Especially the War on Drugs. If we are followers of the Church of Liberalism or the Worship of Government Almighty, then yes, just like us followers of the Church of Scienfoology… Then if our son or daughter or favorite niece or nephew got caught in “bad company” with a joint or an un-prescribed pain pill or an un-prescribed lung flute… Then OBVIOUSLY they were just pure-as-the-driven-snow innocents, caught momentarily pushed into a bad spot by “peer pressure”… By pressure from the bad guys, from the bad side of town… And we should trot out the checkbook, and spend our thousands and even tens of thousands of dollars, to keep them out of jail. And then go right ahead, a day or two later, and vote for the same old politicians who cast their votes to keep the OTHER guy’s kids in jail for smoking pot!!! That’s not MY kid, SEE!?!?! He’s a GOOD kid!!! Jails, fines, and taxes, stock in trade of Government Almighty... Those kinds of things, they’re good for the OTHER guy and HIS kids and favorites nieces and nephews, not for ME and MINE, see?!?!? And liberals who LOVE the power of Government Almighty, they NEVER want to talk about the BIGGEST racist in town, which is the Feds, who want to put all the POOR and DARK-SKINNED drug-partakers in jail, it’s just a place we don’t want to go, that’s our HEROES at work there… Do NOT talk about the racism of the Warriors of the Sacred War on Drugs, lest we be called “soft on crime”!!!
Anyway, at the end of the day, we Scienfoologists do yea verily advocate, in this one special exceptional circumstance, dabbling in the “dark side” of, yes voodoo-like, SHOOTING the effigies of the bad guys!!!! As an emergency measure only, surely, you MUST understand. OK?!?! And ONLY, I must repeat most emphatically, with GREAT Love of Peace and Grooviness and Yea Verily Even Uber-Hippagroovalistic LOVE of our potential children-shooters!!! They want to shoot our children, ONLY because no one EVER smooched their behinds in JUST the exactly correct (psychiatry-and-psychology-professionally-degreed-and-Government-Almighty-certified) way, OK!?!?! So if we Enlightened Scienfoologists merely practice our Sacred Art, and, yes, SHOOT their Sacred Effigies in JUST the Right Loving Way, they (the real pepples behind the effigies) will come around, OK?!?!? TRUST us!!! OK?!?! What is WRONG with you non-conformist trouble-makers you?!?!? LOVE them just The Right Way, as you SHOOT their effigies, yes, and ALL will be well! TRUST us, please! TRUST the man with the gun over there, telling us to beware, TRUST him, yes, especially if he espouses opposing YOUR personal enemies, YES!!! The enemy of my enemy is ALWAYS my friend, so ALWAYS be sure to arm the enemy of your enemy!
OK, where were we? Other potential objections to the Scienfoology Way? Or more globally in this case, to putting guns in the “break glass…” alcoves in the schools? OK, yes, LACK OF TRAINING… I hear you now, as I channel my zillions of readers… What about those poor teachers who don’t now just exactly how to point a gun at the bad guy’s effigy, and pull the trigger? Well, if you look at a fire extinguisher, you’ll see some mumble-eesy, cheesy talk about “pull grommet pin out of restraining aperture of the smegmatronic buglawoolla”, or some such thing, and point in the general direction of the fire, and that’s it. And such fire extinguishers are put behind the “break glass…” alcoves in many-many places, and NO lawyer ANYWHERE envisions himself or herself suing the pants off of some poor bastard who DARED to put out a fire and save thousands of lives and thousands of dollars in buildings, because, well, they’re just not that nakedly greedy. Yet comes the idea of treating the EFFIGY, for Chris-sakes, of the bad guy, similarly, with a gun, well, guns smell bad, we can convince the jury of that, case closed! Guns are bad, only bad guys want guns, except if they serve Government Almighty!!! Case CLOSED-CLOSED-CLOSED!!! … Wait a minute, can we re-open this case, and simply propose that the gun cabinet have a super-special 10-second training video, mandatory viewing before opening… Yea verily blessed off by some Association of Professional Trainers of Gun-Pointing and Trigger-Pulling Expertologists of Expertology at SOME Elite Eastern-Coast Super-Elite Academia of Something or Else, Who Makes The Right Campaign Contributions to Someone Special… And the potential trigger-pullers can be specially TRAINED for 5 or 10 seconds, in just HOW to point that gun at the effigy, and PULL that trigger? Grease the right palms, I am saying, and ANYTHING can happen!!!
Ok, then, I am done, we Scienfoologists trust Government Almighty, as do ALL sensible semi-intelligent entities EVERYWHERE!!! Case closed!
Now before we quit, I know that there are a LOT of other axes to grind, out there. Guns are WAY dangerous, they KILL people, and not just EFFIGIES, for Chrissakes, Allahsakes, etc., I hear you, crying out in anguish! Yes, we Scienfoologists DO yea verily hear you, let me assure you!!!
That is why I as the SQRLSy One do yea verily hear your cries for mercy, and do fully acknowledge that there are SPECIAL needs of the SPECIAL children, whose needs should be elevated above all else. In the schoolroom, yes, the “in case of spiritual emergency” (break glass) alcoves should be readily available to all, in all normal cases (fire emergency, spiritual crisis, need for access to a Bible, Koran, or Scienfoology Sacred Effigy, etc.). These normal and non-dangerous alarms and emergency needs should be made easily available, at waist level, to ALL teachers and students, clearly and plainly.
Now the need to KILL an aggressor (if you are a non-Scienfoologist, a Scienfoology unbeliever; we all have the freedom to be flat-out WRONG ), or the need to shoot an effigy, if you are a MUCH-more enlightened, peace-loving, and hippagroovalistic Scienfoologist… This is a MUCH more different kind of thing, involving deadly firearms, and that is why I as Chief Scienfoological SQRLSy One say that such deadly instruments should be double-alarmed and be put in alcoves up next to the ceiling, accessible ONLY after “breaking glass” to get to the step-ladder that will get you up there in the first place.
NO expenses should be spared when Protecting Our Children!!! So when we put up our bi-level “In Emergency…” alcoves, with the non-deadly instruments put down below, and the Deadly Instruments put up High on the Upper Level, Beyond the Mere Mortals… There are a few fringe benefits to this “bi-level” approach, which will become clear soon… While we are placing this new infrastructure anyway, we can meet a few other needs…
To wit, see http://reason.com/brickbat/2012/06/06/breathe-freely and http://reason.com/archives/2002/04/01/asthma-attack and http://www.wesh.com/Parents-Of-Student-Denied-Inhaler-Get-Attorney/-/11788876/14348994/-/knjiec/-/index.html ... Oh, and, http://www.denverpost.com/news/ci_19997417 and http://denver.cbslocal.com/2012/01/28/2-students-face-expulsion-for-sharing-an-asthma-inhaler/ … I have also read of a 6-year-old on a school-bus who saved the life of her fellow humanoid by sharing her inhaler, only to be sent to Siberia for her horrible misdeed of treasuring human life over the pay-checks of the Sacred Ones Who Write Sacred Prescriptions For All Of Us (medically ignorant peons)! Sorry, cannot find a link for y’all right now on that one… Suffice it to say, your Selfless Public Servants at public school are WAY, way more concerned about making SURE that NO doctor (fellow teat-suckers at the Breasts of Government Almighty), ANYWHERE, gets deprived of his or her pay-checks for writing asthma-inhaler prescriptions, than they have EVER been concerned about the life of your school-kid, should he or she ever suddenly need access to asthma medicine.
So… Right up there next to the ceiling, next to the gun case, there should be an (“In emergency break glass…”) alcove containing some asthma inhaler. The final lock would NOT unlock until the on-call physician at the other end of the line, was PROPERLY re-embarrassed for the zillions they are owed, for PERMISSION for the mere humanoids who need access to life-saving medicine, to yea verily save their lives! Rent-seekers everywhere MUST be re-embarrassed; first things first!!!
Also right next to the gun case and the asthma inhaler case (up there at the higher-emergency, next-to-the-ceiling, safer, uber-safe level) there should be cases for lung flutes and for earpoppers, see main page www.churchofsqrls.com and search there for “earpopper” or “lung flute” or see http://www.lungflute.com/Lung-Flute-Buy.htm and see http://www.anactivelife.com/documents/DOC_Requires_a_doctor_Rx.pdf?osCsid=62c68f3f154bc27015f198f3caa96531 … and You will see that you will need a PRESCRIPTION before you can blow on a cheap plastic flute, to use sound waves to clear out the phlegm out of your throat, and that you will need a PRESCRIPTION before you can pop your eardrums! Kinda like “coughing”, see, or pinching your nose and blowing on it, OK? So the emergency alcoves up there could contain, yes, guns, asthma inhaler, lung flutes, and ear-poppers, oh my!!! With automated emergency calls to prescribing physicians… Perhaps, failing the availability of a prescribing physician, an EMERGENCY, emergency call to the All-Wise and All-Knowing FDA in Warshington, D.C. … The Sacred Rent-Seekers can be appeased, and your child can relieve himself or herself of phlegm in the lungs, or air-pressure differentials in his or her eardrums!!! Side benefits of my scheme, here, that are NOT to be casually ignored, OK?!?!
And finally, yes, I as the SQRLSy One DO yea verily, hear your parental cries of anguish… “OH, SQRLSy One, but WHAT about the Innocent Children who might un-knowingly, innocently, COUGH, or PINCH THEIR NOSES AND BLOW UPON THEM, without ANY benefit of Modern Medical Dangerously Un-prescribed Instruments of Medical Death and Destruction, w/o ANY benefits of a Prescribing Physician, upon the public school grounds, without my knowledge?” This is a VERY valid concern, and I am SOOOO glad you have raised this most important question!!!
The answer is, we must put TV spy cameras in ALL the public schools, to prevent ANY such un-authorized nose-pinching, nose-blowing, coughing, etc.!!! Our freedoms and security must be protected and preserved, at all costs, everywhere!!! Costs?!?! COSTS, for the sake of the Ever-Living, Ever-Loving Government Almighty?!?!? What are you SAYING, here??!!? Let’s just cast us a twenty-googleplex platinum coin, put it in the treasury, and be DONE with it! See http://www.eurasiareview.com/21012013-ron-paul-krugmans-trillion-dollar-coin-is-not-real-wealth-oped/ Paul Krugman to the rescue!!! … Costs are NOTHING, I say, NOTHING!!! Government Almighty can just make money out of thin air; such are Its Powers of Almightiness; do NOT worry about such SILLY things as COSTS; thinking about COSTS is just a silly old thing that the old-time Neanderthals, bill-payers, fools, foogies, and squares used to worry about. No more!!!
Well, just now I have laid my hands upon the forehead of My Own Dear Sacred Effigy, Star-Trek-Spock-style, and have Yea Verily read them thar “Cosmic Vibes” as they used to call them in the old days, and it does come to my mind now, that, yes, some of you out there in reader-land think that I am “off of my meds”, maybe, or some such thing. That some of my above ideas are “whack”…
So it seems to me that it’s time for a short break for a study of Scienfoological history on associated matters, and of comparative religions, and of comparative so-called “whack-ness”, although on second and third and fourth thought, that latter two comparative studies may be repetitively, redund-dund-dund-ant-antly repetitive and repititititititious. In a preview of coming attractions, we will then conclude that my proposals are NOT quite “whack” ENOUGH, and we (me and my effigy, that is) will propose some MORE proposals!
Historically, in the way-ancient days, schools were about learning useful things, and nothing else. In the days of the Schools of Hard Knocks (and hard rocks), it was all about either ‘A) out-running the hungry sabre toothed tigers, sabre toothed bunny waaabbbits, and sabre toothed bad hair days or ‘B) ganging up on them, and pelting them to death with hard rocks. And so school was a simple concept, and our ancestors didn’t NEED armies of lawyers to fight about the curriculum. Then some time went by, and the concept of fire extinguishers and “In case of emergency, break glass” alcoves was invented. This sounded like a very good idea at the time, bringing such things into school. It is hard to learn when one’s building or one’s body is on fire. So we went with it… Then we started adding more and more… It is hard to learn when one is distracted by gang wars or aids or global warming or drugs or hookers or multi-ethnic awareness or aromatherapy awareness, and so on. And so we have to add more and more items to the curriculum, and by logical extension, to what all things we should add to the “in case of emergency…” alcoves. For example, WHO can deny that it’s VERY hard to learn when crazy mad-persons are SHOOTING at us? Or, just HOW can we learn, if we are overcome by drug withdrawal or mad sexual lusts?!?! So OF COURSE there should be “in case of emergency…” alcoves for drug-injection needles (yes, of COURSE, with automated phone call to prescribing physician), because CLEAN drug needles prevent aids (and they are only REALLY clean, if they have been prescribed). And an emergency alcoves also, for emergency needs for condoms and birth-control pills, in case your 6-year-old is suddenly overcome by uncontrollable passions. OF COURSE! Unless you are some sort of troglodyte who wants Our Children to be needlessly distracted from LEARNING important stuff like Hippagroovalism Awareness?!!?
Then yes, about the guns, and the religious freedom, and separation of church and state… Compassionate Conservatism, though, makes the church-state thing all cleaned up by passing the money through the hands of both the Church AND the State, see, and modern multi-ethnic progressive hippagroovalism does away, in its own way, with these kinds of worries, by saying that ALL religions are GOOD (except maybe for conservative Christianity, but let’s not talk about that). As long as the State (AKA Government Almighty) does not prefer one religion over another (ugh, hack, barf, that would involve a “value judgment”, and GAWD knows, we don’t want any of THAT business in the schools).
And so, that’s why, at the end of all these kinds of arguments and hand-wringing, I as the SQRLSy One come flying (in my spandex, boots, and cape) through your window, to your rescue, to lay your fears to rest… With MORE good ideas! So as you can see, we can be way tolerantly hippagroovalisticvally multi-culturally broad-minded, and put up spiritual-emergency alcoves with Bibles, Korans, Torahs, Atheist Manuals, sure, duh, don’t bore us all to death. Well, how about some sacrificial goats and chickens, for any teachers or children who practice Santeria? More to the point, we do NOT want to get JUDGMENTAL here… For the practicing Islamofascists, we are ALSO going to have to provide a spiritual-emergency booth equipped with bombs and suicide vests. And no, we may NOT put that thar particular emergency alcove up on the upper level, with the guns and the asthma inhaler and earpopper and lung flute, no Sir! That might exclude, discriminate against, objectify, humiliate, demean, ostracize, or stereotype sincere Islamofascists and their morally alternative life-styles and death-styles, this idea that we should put THEIR faith-objects up there in the same dirty / dangerous category as weapons of self-defense, lung flutes, and earpoppers, oh my!
Now my vibes-meter is once again detecting you thinking I am “whack”… Am I!?!?! AM I?!?!?! Check this out: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fort_Hood_shooting ... Here we have an army base FULL of people who have been trained to carry weapons and to kill people, and have been credentialified etc. by Government Almighty Itself, for such duties… But only the SPECIALLY specially certified expertologists of expertology of such things, the on-base military police, can carry guns on-base! Soldiers are NOT allowed to defend themselves, and so a member of The Tribe of the whackiest of the whack, a whacked-out expertologist of the Highest Expertology of All, Those Who Can Read Our Minds and Heal Our Souls (and testify about it in court), the Sacred Psychiatrists… Is allowed to snuff said under-educated soldiers and officers, who can NOT be trusted to carry guns to defend themselves and their friends, on base! This murderous Islamofascist shrink had PLENTY of history of disturbing the bejezus out of fellow soldiers, with Islamofascist rants and such, but, hey, he’s got his degrees and credentials and so forth, Government Almighty has conferred upon him some of THE highest degrees of Expertology known to humans; who are WE to question such Elevated Beings??!! If he could not be restrained from unlawful gun violence, by ten zillion laws, on a Government Almighty army base chock-FULL of law-abiding, Government-Almighty obeying instruments of the Will of Government Almighty, then WHERE is the hope that a FEW MORE LAWS will fix it all? As Devout Scienfoologists, we will simply TRUST in Government Almighty, yes…
Then for one more small mental exercise, I would ask for you to consider that many airline pilots are former military pilots, who were entrusted by Government Almighty to fly planes loaded with nuclear weapons. But today, the same pilot can NOT be trusted with a handgun in the cockpit! I suspect that a major reason why is, they are no longer in total and direct control by Government Almighty, and rent-seekers therein, who want to control the last little micro-steps of all mind slaves everywhere. So… To solve the problem with the pilots who might need emergency access to a handgun in the cockpit, I propose the gun be put into an “in emergency, break glass” alcove, as usual, but with a radio link to the Emperor, and to the CongressSlimeMolds. Before the gun can actually be released from the safe, a selected CongressSlimeMold, or maybe even The Emperor Himself, should make a GLORIOUS 1-hour speech, and THEN re-activate the military commission of the airline pilot, and then the pilot would be allowed to throw his wheelcap up into the air, service-academy-graduation-style, and THEN he would be actively serving directly under The Emperor again, and THEN he might FINALLY be allowed to shoot the terrorist intruder in the cockpit (while praising the Wise Emperor, who permitted the self-defense, and defense of others, to occur). Problem solved, rent-seekers paid off!
Similarly, long speeches and military commissions and wheelcap-throwing ceremonies could be awarded to teachers in schools, who need to access the gun safes, before they can actually use the guns to shoot violent intruders, or the effigies of the intruders, depending on whether or not the teachers are Scienfoologists. This way, The Emperor wouldn’t feel so left out & ostracized, when the teachers-become-military-heroes get ribbons to put on their chests… The Emperor gets to be involved, authorizing it all, and could even make speeches afterwards, when He pins military ribbons on their chests. This is clearly a win-win-win situation here!
Well OK, enough endless yammering about all these MOST excellent ideas… It is now time for some DRAWINGS to illustrate them all! First off, the boring stuff, for old-time fuddy-duddy believers in old-time religions:
Now if some of your students and / or teachers are more hippagroovalistic followers of more progressive, newer-type Hollyweird-type religions, like Scientology for one randomly selected instance of such things, then you’re going to have to put up one or more of these…
Now if some of your students or teachers (or even the janitor or other staff) are followers of Santeria, they might need a live chicken or goat, to sacrifice in a spiritual emergency, and we don’t want to ostracize ANYONE, and all religions and cultures are equal, and what-not, so here’s your Santeria emergency alcove…
Now if some of your down-home folks here are anti-Muslims, if anti-Muslimism is THEIR faith, sorry, I can’t help you there, sorry, some fanatics might blow up the entire Universe to PROVE that others are all totally WRONG about them being violent and hateful, and all. But now if you are some sort of anti-CHRISTIAN, well, we can always get some public tax dollars to fund your “art”, like “Piss Christ”, for example. So the anti-Christian crowd is going to need one of these here below emergency alcoves… Oooops, sorry, I cannot find a decent image that really captures that whole deal, go Google “piss Christ” if you are interested… Moving on now…
As we discussed, if Johnny can’t read, it’s probably because Johnny is too distracted from his studies, by his utterly, totally, COMPLETELY un-controllable sexual needs, and so we are going to have to provide one or more of these…
Or maybe Johnny can’t read because Johnny is too distracted from his studies, by his utterly, totally, COMPLETELY un-controllable need for drugs, so we’ll have to give him methodone, which is just like heroin, see, in that you can OD on it and / or kill yourself and, of course, get a good buzz on, BUT, it is FAR more hippagroovalistic, because Government Almighty employees and helpers and various hangers-on get paid your tax money to run the scheme, whereas heroin money goes to the NON-Government-Almighty types of hangers-on, see? Kinda like Government Almighty’s war in Afghanistan, where we’re propping up the GOOD drug dealers (the Afghan Government Almighty and its cronies) against the BAD drug dealers (and politically un-connected poppy growers, etc). … Well anyway, for your druggie emergency, methodone, of course…
OK, sorry for all the diversions, we need to at least briefly get back to guns and schools. Some people are going to worry about, well, if people are allowed to defend themselves with weapons in the schools, what is going to happen to all of our Totally Selfless Government Servants, who depend on defending us from kindergartners who might be tempted to point fingers at each other, and say “bang, bang, you’re dead, brush your teeth, and go to bed?” Such horrible, dangerous, anti-social behaviors must NOT go un-challenged, and the job security, paychecks, job benefits, powers, and prestige of Government Almighty types who protect us from such horrors, must ALSO never be endangered. But… Who says we can’t have emergency guns in glass-covered alcoves, AND simultaneously ALSO protect the “zero tolerance” policies and the Selfless Government Servants who depend on these policies? We CAN have our cake, and eat it, too! See http://gma.yahoo.com/blogs/abc-blogs/kindergartner-suspended-over-bubble-gun-threat-174618051--abc-news-topstories.html , “it’s all good”, but who says we can’t do these kinds of things, PLUS have glass-covered “security alcoves” with guns in them? I’m sure we could create MANY new jobs for the Totally Selfless Government Servants, in supervising the creation and administration of the “security alcoves”!
One other argument against gun-containing security alcoves might be along the lines of, it would be sexist. Manly men (hard-edged with square jaws and all) love guns, and soft cuddly-wuddly feminist women are scared of guns, so guns for security is a sexist idea. Well, horse malarkey, I say! Paint the guns nice cute pastel pink and soft purple colors, put “Hello Kitty” decals on them, and we are all squared away! See http://www.kittyhell.com/category/hello-kitty-guns/ for details. In that vein, and stealing photos from said web site, then, I finally present to you…
Well, back now to the category of spiritual emergencies, and not wanting to ostracize ANYONE for belonging to the wrong group, and all, and the associated, unquestionable dogma that any one religion possibly being “better” than another, MUST be a totally biased, discriminatory, and fascistic “value judgment” and all, well, we REALLY must provide any attendant Islamofascist students or teachers, with THEIR articles of faith, also. NO ostracism allowed here!
And now I am consulting with my Own Sacred Effigy once again, reading y’all’s minds out there, Scienfoology Faithful and Scienfoology skeptics alike… Wearing my tri-cornered aluminum-foil hat this time also… And I am hearing your skeptical thoughts and questions. HOW could I advocate placing “emergency alcoves” with suicide-bomb vests in them!?!?! Well, I say, how could I NOT do so, when I am trying my utter utmost to be hippagroovalistically progressive, and even “tragically hip”, as some would say? Everyone knows that being broad-mindedly all-inclusive is a GOOD thing, right?!?!!?! Oh, and yes, now, what was that? What do you say? Keeping live chickens and live goats in the Santeria emergency alcoves is what, kinda cruel, you say? … Well, wait, I decidedly did NOT say, and don’t feed and water them, either! Special animal-rights people could be employed by the schools, and take care of THAT kind of thing, for SURE! Costs!?!?! COSTS, for that kind of thing?!?! Hey, we’d be talking about a GOVERNMENT FUNCTION, here; just cast a few more trillion-dollar, freshly-minted platinum-clad… Oh, save some money, in this category at least… Cast some new trillion-dollar coins made out of dog poop, throw them in the vault at the National Treasury, and be done with it!
Now I am also channeling the vibes of some of you out there, who think it is cruel on my part, to advocate that we should assist the suicidal impulses of those who might want to put on that suicide vest, and blow themselves (and us) away. Suicide is a bad-bad thing, you say. Well, OK, yes, then, I agree, although that might be a “value judgment”. But did you ever hear me say that we should encourage THE STUDENT OR TEACHER to put on that suicide vest, and do the dirty deed? Or should they perhaps encourage OTHER, lesser beings to do such things on their behalf? How many middle eastern Mullahs have done this to THEMSELVES, or their favorite child, or their favorite niece or nephew? I have even read that common middle-of-the-road moms and pops in various Middle Eastern nations resent the heck out of holier-than-thou mullahs exhorting the OTHER guy to give up themselves or their children for suicide bombings… Never themselves or their children. At a casual internet search, the closest that I can come is this… http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2012/12/30/how-bullying-creates-suicide-bombers.html ... It’s not the most popular square-jawed superheroes of the middle east, that they put up for this kind of thing, no Sir! In fact, see http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22945797/ns/world_news-mideast_n_africa/t/handicapped-bombers-kill-dozens-iraq/ , the Islamofascists are quite happy to trick mentally handicapped people to do their work for them.
So now I am carefully straightening out my tin-foil hat, and I am hearing you say, “So, what are you saying? Are you saying, along with the live chickens and the live goats for Santeria followers, these emergency alcoves / booths should ALSO contain live mentally handicapped children, along with the suicide vests, so that the hippagroovalistically progressive no-religion-is-ever-to-be-judged-as-“bad”, Islamofascist followers, can equip THEM with the suicide vests?” … Well, no, I am NOT saying that, that was YOUR idea (logical extension though it may have been). I do admit that this is where this kind of “logic” takes us. I hang my head in utter shame, and admit that I am just NOT quite that broad-mindedly, tolerantly hippagroovalistic. And no, I am NOT going to cook up a photo collage / drawing of the mentally handicapped child in chains next to the suicide vest; the Islamofascists will do that for us sooner or later, I will bet. After all, they are totally right, and so they feel no shame. Unlike me, who falls, yes, way short, on the tolerantly hippagroovalistic scale. SHAME on me, OK, I admit it, I am biased, prejudiced, and all. I will go away and wear my hair shirt and sulk now…
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